Elusive Love
For almost a year I was carried inside
aware of nothing, just along for the ride
For almost a year, you kept me so safe
yet when I was born you showed me such hate
What were you thinking? what could I have done
for you to ignore me, for me you did shun
As a child it's impossible be fully aware
of the reasons a mother just chose not to care
A child is simply not able to comprehend
why someone so important can't see them as a friend
Did I ask for too much? did I push, did I shove?
in the end all I wanted and needed was love
Although I can't fathom having a child that I'd hate
I refuse now to have one and risk the same fate
I made this decision at the age of three
when first I discovered you didn't want me
My longing for a mom, an eternal quest,
I'd latch onto adults, even our guests
Onto my teachers and mothers of all of my friends
I'd attach when it seemed I was nearing the end
Of my subconscious desires, though aware I was not
but your love coudn't be given, or earned or bought
With the gift of pride to hide my disgrace
I was able to hide behind paint on my face
A perfect picture is envied; it tells no lies
yet was merely a shelter behind which I could hide
All that glitters is surely not gold
and the pain that is hidden is never told
Years later you told me, years later you shared
that you really did love me, that you really did care
By then I had built such walls made of stone
Better a bitch than to be hurt and alone
Took years to realize that it wasn't my fault
Took my strength to keep me from falling apart
But you, too never got it, never had love to give
took me years to realize just how you had lived
We do the best we can with the skills we're taught
but the scars of our past aren't easily forgot
I no longer blame you and I'm no longer mad
I'm just thankful I got what I needed from dad.
SheCat 2/25/03
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