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A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Fishing Baptists

Q. Do you know why you should always invite TWO Baptists to go fishing with you?

A. Because if you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer. Invite two and they won't drink any.

There is a little old lady, who every morning steps onto her front porch, raises her arms to the sky and shouts, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

One day an atheist moves into the house next door. He becomes irritated at the little old lady, so every morning he steps onto his front porch after her and yells, "THERE IS NO LORD!"

Time passes with the two of them carrying on this way every day. Then one morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady steps onto her front porch and shouts, "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!"

The next morning she steps onto her porch and there are two HUGE bags of groceries sitting there. "PRAISE THE LORD!" she cries out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"

The atheist neighbor jumps out of the hedges and shouts, "THERE IS NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"

The little old lady throws her arms into the air and shouts, "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!"

God is Watching

A group of children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. Someone had written a note and placed it next to the apples. It read, "Take only one, God is watching."

Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

One little boy wrote his own note and snuck it next to the cookies, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

A Not So Silent Witness

A woman pulls up to a red light behind one other car. She notices the driver of the car in front of her is talking on his cell phone and appears to be shuffling through some papers on the seat beside him. The light turns green, but the man doesn't notice. The woman waits, but the man doesn't notice the light change. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move. The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow. The woman begins to blow the car horn and scream curses at the man. The man hearing the commotion, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red. The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection.

As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman. The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car.

She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and she is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects. He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn and cussing a blue streak at the car in front of you and then I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder and the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

I thought this one was good~ be sure if you talk the talk, to walk the walk. Don't be a hypocrite.

While working on a lesson in world religions, a
kindergarten teacher asked her students to bring
something related to their family's faith to class.

At the appropriate time she asked the students to come
forward and share with the rest of the students.

The first child said, "I am Muslim and this is my prayer rug."

The second child said, "I am Jewish and this is my Star of David."

The third student said, "I am Catholic and this is my
rosary."

Little Johnny was the final child and he said, "I am
Southern Baptist and this is my casserole dish."

p.s. I am not picking on Baptist; this is only copied from my home-town counties forum.

*Christian Football Terms*

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes into "overtime."

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defence - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

some of you will probably like this one.

DEVIL'S BEATITUDE'S

If the devil were to write his beatitude's, they would probably go something like this:

1. Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians -- they are my best workers.

2. Blessed are those Christians who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked -- I can use them.

3 . Blessed are the touchy who stop going to church -- they are my missionaries.

4. Blessed are the trouble makers -- they shall be called my children.

5. Blessed are the complainers -- I'm all ears to them.

6. Blessed are those who are bored with the minister's mannerisms and mistakes -- for they get nothing out of his
sermons.

7. Blessed is the church member who expects to be invited to his own church -- for he is a part of the problem instead of the solution.

8. Blessed are those who gossip -- for they shall cause strife and divisions that please me.

9. Blessed are those who are easily offended -- for they will soon get angry and quit.

10. Blessed are those who do not give their offering to carry on God's work -- for they are my helpers.

11. Blessed is he who professes to love God but hates his brother and sister -- for he shall be with me forever! .

12. Blessed are you who, when you read this think it is about other people and not yourself -- I've got you too!

Subject: Sunday school laughs

3-year-old, Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name." " Amen"
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A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
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A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
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I like these cute things about children and what they say.

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

Important Announcement The MSN Groups service will close in February 2009. You can move your group to Multiply, MSN’s partner for online groups. Learn More
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