I think I need a road trip, or something. Something to break up the monotony.

I know in my head that to change my life style I am going tohave to change my life and vice versa, but does it have to be so boring?

I have rarely been bored in my life.

Stewart being gone, the kids constant bickering and sniping the diabetes and non cooperation with the puppy's choice of bathroom area is wearing on me, I just want to grab a sleeping bag and walk out into the wilderness and put up camp. Wake up to the smells of sunlight on the canvas, campfires and coffee. No cars, tractors, irrigation machine generators, just birds and wind and vegetation applauding the breeze.

I miss Stewart. I miss silence. I miss laughing. I miss the sound of thrown rocks plucking in the river. I miss sneakers, scrub oak and the smell of the canyon.

I miss small adventures.

I hate pills, I hate eating, I hate my back hurting. I hate my foot itching. I hate crying at everything good or tender or painful or angering. I hate being anchored to obligations of adulthood.

I want to just get lost in the wind.

Some people think that because of how I feel that I'm depressed. I hate that too. It's like when I was a kid and my mom would think I was such a sad little girl cause I spent so much time by myself with few or no friends. I wasn't sad... I was quiet and liked it that way.  Getting lost in the wind isn't depression, it's freedom, like soaring on thermals with your wings outstretched. Not hunting, not flapping, not going anywhere, just suspended in time and space. Do you look up at a bird floating on the wind and think It is depressed? I didn't think so.