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| | From:  RoCamum (Original Message) | Sent: 9/7/2008 10:31 PM |
Hi ladies Firstly I want to apologise for not being on here for a while. It has been hard for me but I honestly havent had the time. I have had to go back to work fulltime and of course when I get home its time to cook and spend time with my boys. I have tried... I want to know... as time slips by to your friends and family look at you funny if you mention your babies? I have 3 friends in particular that are wonderful.... they are more than happy for me to talk about Ashley as they have also been through a loss of a child. BUT I have others that if I do mention Ashley I get looked at funny... almost like I shouldnt be talking about her anymore. As it turned out one of them told my close friend (previously mentioned friend) that she thinks I talk about Ashley too much. My friend explained that it helps to talk about her. She didnt get it... Is it just me or do others get this reaction too. The hardest part for me is when I get asked by strangers how many children I have... I have 3 in my heart!!! but only 2 to hold... what do you say to that question cos I always tend to freeze momentarily. I dont want to not include Ashley. She is my daughter and I love her with every part of me. I feel so guilty if I only say 2 but if I say 3 I then have to explain and people once again look at me like Im crazy!! Any suggestions/answers Jodi |
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| | | From: MomOf4 | Sent: 9/8/2008 3:02 AM |
Hi Jodi...It is good to hear from you, but, I certainly understand about having to work full time, then, come home and still have things to do there...and it is important to spend as much fimt as possible with your boys. Yes, it is true that people stop coming around, and, some don't even want us to mention our child..they even think that we should 'get over it'....and, we know that is not possible. I am glad that you do have those 3 wonderful friends who will talk with you about your child. It really does help us to be able to talk about our loss. No, it is not just you....I think we all have had that reaction people at some point. People just don't understand our need to talk about our child. And, they also get uncomfortable talking about because they have not been there and they don't know what to say, or how to react. It is hard to know how to respond when someone asks us how many children we have. I still say that I have 4 children....I am still a mom of 4 children...even if one of them is no longer here with me. I used to feel badly if I did not include my Bobby...so, now I include him and let it go at that. You still have 3 children, even if one of them is not there with you. You are still her mom. So, go ahead and tell them you have 3 children..and, unless they question further..let it go at that...or do as I sometimes do..I sometimes say that I had 4 but that my son died. Most of the time they just say they are sorry...If they ask what happened, I tell them. But, I always include my son that is not with me any longer...as he is always with me in my heart...just as your daughter is always with you. Love and hugs....Rean |
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| | | From: RoCamum | Sent: 9/8/2008 9:46 AM |
Thanks for that Rean. Its nice to hear someone say that it is acceptable to include my little girl when asked how many children I have. I dont want to not include her. I gave birth to her so yes I agree I have 3 children... 2 on earth and 1 in heaven. Thank you. |
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I get that too...as soon as i start talking about Justin most people look at me weird!but that is how i keep his memory alive and i feel good talking about him... when people ask how many kids i have i always say 3 but one is in heaven..i will always have 3 no matter what!he is in our hearts forever...i would feel guilty if i said i have 2..if they ask what happened i do tell them the truth some people even try to change the subject, |
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I always think it's so interesting how differently people react when they know someone who has lost a child in their life. I have some people who are wonderful about talking about it and then there are others.....when I mention Rachel, they are just silent and then go on with a different subject. It's like they don't want to hear about it anymore......or else they just don't know what to say. But it hurts when that happens. And as far as what to say to that question....I think the best response is "I have three children, two live with me and one lives in heaven." You are always the mother of your lost child.....NOTHING can ever take that away! God's peace.....(HUG)....Cindy |
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Jodi, I get that a lot too... like you at first I would freeze and didn't know what to say. I gave birth to 3 children and I love them all the same but when I say my boy died it really bothers me when people just want to pretend I didn't even said that and just change the subject! Now it just depends, if I know I'll meet someone more than once I do say I have 3 and my first born passed away but if it's someone I may never see again I probably wouldn't really say, I just don't feel like it. I relate to what you wrote about a friend who said you talked too much about your daughter Ashley... something similar happened to me and I found it very hurtful so I just distanced myself from my "friend" because from my point of view it was very insensitive of her and I need people around me who can help, even if that means just keeping quiet and lending a shoulder to cry on. A lot of people don't know what to say or how to beheave... and that's fine, but it is US who are in this journey not them... and in order to try to get through these difficult and painful times I think we should have understanding people around not someone who'll make us feel bad for talking about our child. Big hugs, Maria |
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My friend....when ask I still say I have 2 children...being from a small town where most everybody knows everybody doesn't change the fact that some people still ask....or don't ask...we never ever get over losing our child...over the years the pain lessens some....but there are still some days when it seems like it was just yesterday my James went to Heaven....as for me....I have learned to speak what I think or feel....if people don't like it or can't accept it....that isn't on me that is on them....everybody handle loss in their own way and there is no right or wrong my friend....hugs...Sherry |
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My newborn son, Richard, died 40 years ago this coming November 2nd, and even after all those years I still say I have 5 children. Most people who know me know that I have 4 living children, and most know I lost a child, so the question doesn't come up too often. However, when I'm asked the question or when it comes up in conversation I will say I have 5. Because my Richard has been gone so long those who (who know me but didn't know I lost a child) ask the question, or mention it in conversation will have a look of surprise or shock and will ask me where the fifth one is if there are five, and I tell them he passed away 40 years ago and I leave it at that. I had one lady ask me why I still included him as of my children after all those years, and I just looked at her in total disgust and said, "because he is my son, will always be my son, and will always be a member of this family... that's why!", and that was the end of that conversation. I'm like Sherry....I say what I think now, and if people have problems understanding the fact that I will talk about my son when I feel like it, then that's their problem. I don't care how long he's been gone I still miss him, I will talk about him whenever I want, and he will always be considered a part of my family no matter what. My husband is okay with that, my children are all okay with that, so I don't really care what-so-ever how others feel about it. Hugs...Shannon |
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