Going back to school is always tough, but when there has been a death in your family it's really hard. You wonder how your friends will treat you. You don't think you can concentrate or listen very well because your mind feels all confused. You worry how the rest of your family will be without you around. You just feel so differently; and school is sure to be just the same.

Dana (age 12): "I remember when 1 went back to school how termed 1 was. My heart began to beat faster as 1 reached for the doorknob. "

Sometimes kids and teachers don't know what to say so they say something dumb or they don't say anything at all. Some days it can seem almost impossible to keep from crying in front of people. Everyone thinks you should be "over it" right away.

"Fortunately the kids treated me very considerately. But the teacher wasn't as nice. She thought I was using my father's death to make her go easy on me. But as all of us know, that's not how it is. We can't help it if' we get upset. But some people don't understand. "

School can be very hard for a kid who is grieving the death of a loved one. Some things that might help a little are: Talk with your teacher about what you want the class to know about the death and who should tell them. Make a plan with your teacher so you can leave the room if you start feeling very upset. Try to find a safe quiet place to go: the library, the nurse's office, etc. If people ask you questions that you don't want to answer, say something like, "I'd rather not talk about that right now." Try to find at least one person who you feel comfortable talking to when you want to talk. Or start to write your thoughts in a journal.

Erin (age 17): entry in journal the month her baby brother died: "1 thought High School would be hard, but after what Tom had to go through, it wasn't bad. I've been in school for 2 weeks now and most of the teachers are nice..."

If you are bothered by what other kids say, try to talk to them and get them to understand that you need their support. If that doesn't work, talk with your teacher or a parent. If you think that your teacher doesn't understand, do your best to talk with her, and bring in an understanding adult to help if necessary.

To keep up with your homework, maybe you could study with a friend or get an older student to help you, or ask your teacher for some extra time. As long as you are really trying, that's all anyone should ask of you.

As you go through the school year there will be some good days and some tough ones. Don't be upset with yourself if you don't do as well as usual on grades, or you have trouble getting along with your same old friends.

Be patient with yourself, because you want everyone to do the same for you.

Grief is a big long process that changes people and change can be tough. But change can bring good things too. Perhaps you will find yourself appreciating the little things more, or being kinder to people, or wanting to make the most of your time, or developing an ability to express yourself creatively. These are things you don't normally learn in school, but these are things you learn from living.

~by Dana Ward, Erin Hetrnerand and Barb Coe, TCF St.Louis. MO