This says it all.....

FEELINGS

I need to talk to a friend, but, I don't know what I want to say. I wish someone could look in side my head and know all the things that I wonder and think about. I'm scared, I'm so afraid.. I am lonely and lost and so many other things. My head just spins and my heart aches and my stomach is in knots. I don''t know what to do or what to say. I want to go and yet, where?

I don't want to start all over again, and I don't want to make all the decisions alone. I really don't want to make any of these decisions. I don't want to think. I'm tired. Is this life? Things are rotten and cruel, and the pit I see is deep, long, and dark..How will I get to the top? How will I get out?

I wander through the house, doing the things I have to do and then I realize I am just sitting on the floor with all the memories of him, family, kids, heartaches, headaches, sadness, loss of dear loved ones, good times, bad times, worry times, struggles, fights, laughs, things we did that were funny and the mistakes we never seem to forget.

I want someone to put their arms around me and tell me it will be alright. "Just wait and see, you need time." I cry for hours hoping that all of a sudden something will happen to take away my fears and change what has happened in my life. But the moment does not change.

I hate the words, "why" and "how come". I pray for that great strength we all are supposed to have, and I ask for hope, guidance and, yes, another chance. I'd like to just turn back time for a few special monemts, but it doesn't happen. I ask myself, why me? Why do I have the ad luck? What did I do that was so awful for this to happen? I look around and see really awful people and the awful things they do, yet good things happen to them. Why not to me?

People say how strong I am, how tough I am. But I'm not as strong or as tough as they think. They relly don't even know me, not now. I play the game and laugh with everyone and then they are gone and I go home, alone again. tomorrow all of this will repeat itself. Life goes on, but how?

This is how I am today, God. Please bring me peace tomorrow and put a smile on my face so I can put a smile on the face of others.

I don't want to hear lies from others and I don't want to be told I'm in my own world of self-pity. I am lost, mad, angry and hurt. I have need to say all of these things to a dear friend who would not condemn, but, understand, accept and say nothing.

People keep asking me how I am, how I am doing. Well, this is how I am today. If I seem to fail people's expectations, then I am sorry.

By Shirley Lairmore