My son Jacob was born on the 14th February 2004.  He wasn't breathing when he was born and did not take his first breath for 14 mins, he started having fits shortly after and was transferred to another hospital.  He had to be resusciated 6 times within an hour at four days old.  I wasn.t allowed to hold him.  We were advised to put a DNR on him but I refused.  We prayed hard he would make it and he did.

Jacob was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy at 6 months old.  I was told he would never crawl, sit, walk or talk.

I fought hard for Jacob and yes I'll admit sometimes it was tough.  Jacob had a live expectancy of 55.  So it is a shock!

 

Even though he could'nt talk he could eye point and we always knew what he wanted.  He was always smiling, he has the most dazzling smile and amazing blue eyes.  He did get to walk in October with a walking frame and he loved it.  I am so proud of everything he acheived.  He was so bright and intelligent.  Strangers would come up to us in the park and say how beautiful he was.

 

Jacob had been poorly for 2 months prior to him leaving me.  I'd had him at the hospital several times and they did'nt know what was wrong with him.

 

I was awoken on the 30th November to the sound of his breathing monitor going off. I ran in and found him face down in bed.  jacob had to be moved so I thought he had fallen forward onto his face and suffocated.

 

I later found out my husband had gone in at 5.15am before woke and repositioned him so he immediatley thought it was his fault.  My husabnd said when he went out to work he could hear Jacob crying.  I was in the next room and did'nt hear him.  This is very unusual for me as it did'nt matter how tired I was I would still hear him.  I did cpr on Jacob but in my heart of hearts I knew he had gone and the rest ie., the paramedics the hospital and coroner were just a formality.  When I lifted Jacob from his bed he exhaled and I like to think he was waiting for me before he took his last breath.

 

I'm in shock and I expect him to come in the door from school.

 

His funeral was beautiful.  The church had over 300 people there as everyone knew and loved him.  I asked everyone to wear pink as it was his favourite colour.  Every piece of equipment Jacob got he wanted the pink and I would'nt let him.  So I told him he would finally get his pink.  We played two of his favourite songs The ugy duckling and martha's harbour that I would sing to him everyday when it was nap time. 

 

Jacob was cremated in his school uniform as he loved school.  He had one of his christmas presents which was iggle piggle out of the 'in the night garden ' programme, he had on his saint christopher.  I put normal shoes on him as he did'nt really like his splints and boots that he had to wear everyday.  We put letters in and my husband and I put locks of our hair in his hand.  He also had some of his favourite teddies.  The funeral director took a lock of his hair and his handprints for us.

 

When we saw Jacob at the Chapel of rest a couple of hours after he passed he had a slight smile on his face as if he was happy that he was no longer suffering from being sick or in a wheelchair and this comforted me.

 

At the funeral home later Jacob no longer looked like himself and I knew then that this wasn't him he'd already gone somewhere better.

 

I miss Jacob so much.  I keep telling myself over and over he's gone but it doesn't seem to want to sink in.

 

A lady came up to me a few weeks ago and said ' You know Jacob was to good for earth'.  This may be the case but it doesn't ease the pain.

 

I love you Jacob my munchkin.  I hope your happy sweetheart and I hope you can forgive me for not hearing you crying.

 

You are and always will be my heart, mind and soul till I get to hold you again.

 

love always from Mummy your huggy munster

xxxxxx