Well where to start. I guess I can start by saying her pregnancy was a surprise. I was rushed to the Emergency Room by my mom & step father with intense pains in my back & stomach. After too many tests I found out it was my gall bladder & I needed emergency surgery. I was turning jauntice from it. They wanted to life flight me but I refused & went in a Ambulance. The doctor told me I was about 3 or 4 months pregnant too & that the surgery would make me lose the baby. I was a wreck I didnt want to do it but my life depended on it. So I did it & she miraculasiously survived,the docs don't know how.
On April 11,2000 my beautiful little girl was born after about 16 hours of labor. She was 7lbs. 11 oz. My mom & older sister was in the room with me when she was born. My mom was the first to hold her besides the doc & nurses. I was so doped up on pain meds I couldn't hold her. When I finally could I was so excited she was here finally that I bounced out of the bed telling them to give me my shower so I could be moved to the other hosp. room. They couldn't believe how energized I was.
I lived with my mom at the time with my son who was almost 2. They helped me get a place in the projects not too far from their house. I got a job at a Mr. Z's & my mom babysat for me while I worked.
We loved our place. It was so nice to have my freedom & raise my 2 kids as a strong,employed single mother. I was very proud of myself.
Then I met the man that would change my life forever. I was at my older sisters house & the apartment building was having a big party. Thats when I laid eyes on him & said to myself that I was going to meet him. He ended up coming to my house later that night drunk off his butt barely able to stand. I let him crash on my couch & went to bed. We clicked right away & was a couple the next day. He had 4 boys with his ex that I eventually found out about & raised as my own.
He wasn't very kind to his kids & I wish I left him when I saw it for the first time. But stupid me I stayed.
I will skip to what he did to her.
He wanted sex before work & she was crying for me. He was mentally abusive to me & sexually. I didn't know he went in & hit her in the stomach so hard he left a mark that the DA later brought to him about a year ago having the proof to finally prosecute him for her death.
I thought she had the flu,she had every sign. And the day I was going to bring her to the docs was the afternoon I found her passed away in her crib. She must have died as soon as I put her in.
I realized that she was sleeping longer than usual & went in ti check on here. She was ice cold & her eyes were kinda open. I knew in my head that she was gone but didnt want to accept it.
I ran from my apartment to my sisters upstairs with my son running after me saying,"Whats wrong with Fatta?"Her nickname was Fat Baby or Fatta. My sister called 911 from her cell while I ran across the street to convenient to use the payphone to call almost getting hit by a few cars. I just ran across & didnt look. It was the last thing on my mind.
We ended up going to the hospital while she went in the Ambulance. They put us in a room there waiting for the doc. He walked in saying,"We tried all we could to save her but she didn't make it." I was told by my parents I screamed but I didn't remember much the next following days. They were all a blur. I cried so much that all my tears were gone.
I had dreams of here for awhile after she was gone. I was at my grandma's & the lady who has my 2 kids was there in the kitchen. Then out of my pop pop's tv room comes Alicia running to me giving me hugs & kisses & saying her famous words to me,"Love you Momma". I told her ,"See it was all a bad dream,you are still here!" Then I woke up with tears running down my cheeks.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of her & regret not knowing what my ex did to her. I will never forgive myself. I'm her mom & was suppost to take care of her & look what happened.
After "seeing"her the night she died just for a brief second standing there in her favorite jammies smiling at me, I knew she was ok now. I just wish I knew.
It's been 5 years since she's been gone. She died on Sept. 20,2001. She was & always will be my beautiful angel baby & i will miss her until the day we are reunited in Heaven.
People have told me,"At least you had her for the 17 months she was here with you". I hated when they said that,but now I cherish all memories of her & always will. I will always have a hole in my heart that can never be filled. And I will never look at life in stride. I don't take nothing for granted no more,especially the time I have with my kids. Cherish what you have in your life. I know that I get many blessings everyday & thank God everyday for them when I wake up & when I go to bed.
Thanks for listening. It means alot to me.
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