Sherry's story of her son

My dearest son,

I have sat and sat thinking of your life; I'm going to try and put your life on paper to the best of my ability.  As I sit here thinking about when I found out I was pregnant with you; not only myself but your dad were overjoyed with happiness. Another child in our lives; JoAnna was little but she understood that she was going to have a baby brother or sister. My pregnancy preceeded wihtout any complications.  We didn't know whether you would be a boy or a girl; however we wanted a son.
Early in the evening on August 30, l978 I knew I was going into labor but I told your daddy to go on to work because I knew if I was in labor as long with you as I was JoAnna it would be a very long night.  Surprisingly enough things rushed forward fairly rapidly and I had to call your dad in from the rig.  Once he got over to mema's and big pa's I didn't want to go to the hospital; I wanted to wait a little while longer;  Finally at 1:30 a.m. on 08-31-78 we made it to the hospital which was Golden Plains Community Hospital here in Borger.
You had other plans, and were ready to get here.  They prepared me and took me to the delivery room where you were born at 3:02 a.m.  Dr. Ingham didn't even make it until you were already here; said he figured you were gonna be a hard headed little girl and take your time. Oh my son, when I held you in my arms for the very first time; I thanked God for the miracle of your birth and that I now had a son and a daughter.  Your daddy was so very proud, he just beamed with pride.
We hadn't chosen a name until then and we decided to name you James after your BigPa and Irvin after your Little Pa. Your sister was so excited when mema and big pa snuck her in my hospital room and she got to see you.  James you were such a good baby; carefree and so full of life; you brought laughter and sunshine to all you met.
I remember your first fall, I was scared you had really hurt yourself; however you got up and kept on going.  I think about all the first's in your life; cutting teeth, crawling, standing, sitting, walking, all the things that all babies do.  I wish I could have kept you safe from any harm that would come your way.
You proceeded on a normal boy; you and your sister were so close; she adored you and you adored her; you to were always best of friends. 
Your first day of school oh how I didn't want you to start school; my baby was growing up to fast.  You always had lots of friends; seems like everybody you ever met; they liked you and you liked them.  That was your nature.  You acted so grown up not wanting mom to make a fuss over you in front of your friends.
You were really attached to mema, big pa, and little pa; I can still see big pa rocking you on his knee; you loved it.  Big pa got sick and passed away and you were so young; 5 1/2 years, but you acted like a grown man.  I tried to shelter you from death, but you wanted to know everything.  I remember when your dad died on 10-01-85; I was so proud of you because you were the one who tried to keep mom and sister together.  I remember your little hand in mine.  Such a young age to have been introduced to such tragedy in your life.
The years passed by all the time you were growing up to be a fine young man.  In March of 1987 I began to notice some changes in you that were oh so familiar and I knew before we even went to the doctor that you my son, were a juvenile diabetic.  My world stopped and stood still that day in the doctor's office when we were told to immediately admit you to the hospital.  I tried on the outside to be as brave as I could while on the inside I was dying.  It seemed to me that I had lived with diabetes in my life forever, and now to know that my child would have to have daily injections, watch his diet, check his blood sugar, go to the doctor; etc; it was almost more than I could handle.
You had then and still have a dear friend; Chris Ford who was with you from the time you went into the hospital until we lost you 2 years ago.  His family had me teach them all they needed to know to be able to take care of you when you were over with them. You were so blessed by good friends ; you had a way with people. 
As your young years passed by so did the relationship you shared with JoAnna; it pleased me so much to see the two of you as such good friends; oh there were times that she got mad at you and you at her; but nothing ever came between the two of ya'll.  She loved you unconditionally and she trusted in you and you in her.
Through the years you were developing into such a unique young man; remember when you started shaving; some of those wild haircuts you and your friends gave eachother.  When you started playing Little League Softball and Football; you were so proud and I was so proud of you.  You made certain that you were not treated differently because of your diabetes.  Basketball was your life; and you were good at it. 
The first time you ended up in the emergency  room because your blood sugar dropped too low; it was Ronnie and Steven who rushed over to tell me to get to the hospital; and when I stormed in, you were laying there like nothing had happened; but I saw the look in your eyes and I knew it had scared you as much as it had me.
You started to date and all the girls were crazy about you; I sure miss those talks where you would come wake me up at 3:00 or 4:00a.m. and say mom I need to talk.  We had that kind of relationship.  People were amazed that you confided in me some of the things that you did; but it was always that way; we had an understanding that I would listen always and you would always be open and honest with me.  Thank you for that trust my son.
You came into me in the kitchen one evening and Jeremy and Wesley were with you; how the conversation started I don't really remember, but the words you spoke caused my heart to almost stop; remember those words; I will never live to see 24 years old; all I could do was turn around and respond telling you not to ever say that again; you looked at me and said it's true mom, I just know it's true.
You were becoming quite a man; I was so proud of you when you graduated from Champs; my son had his high school diploma.  You weren't sure what you wanted to do and you were still a little young; at 16 1/2 years old and out of high school you had a lot to thing about.
I remember whenever Rick and I told you we were going to get married; your reply was "that's cool mom"  You had a relationship with Rick like no other relationship I've seen between a step-father and step-son.  The two of you were buddies, friends, you trusted eachother; and you loved eachother.  You would tell Rick things you wouldn't tell me and to this day Rick has never told me anything you told him not to.  To Rick, you were his son James.
You left here and moved to Oklahoma with your sister for a little over a year; I was devastated; but I must say she took good care of you. When you came back in September 2001; I saw changes in you that I couldn't put my finger on but they were there.  We spent lots of time together and talked; we became closer than we ever had before.  I wonder were you trying to prepare me for what was about to happen.
I saw you on Saturday March 2, 2002 and you seemed alright; then Sunday night we got that horrible phone call that told us to get to the hospital immediately because you were fixing to be airlifted to Amarillo.  I lost it; I couldn't comprehend what had happened, had you been in a fight, a carwreck, what had happened?  You were in a diabetic coma. Oh James when I looked at you and took your hand in mine I knew in my heart that you would never come home again.  A mother knows; your life flashed before my very eyes; I then was told that David your cousin was one of the ambulance drivers who picked you up and through tears he told me about them arriving where you were at.  How could I your mother not sense something was wrong that day; what happened between Saturday night and Sunday night?  Nobody but you and God know that.  I told you son I don't know what happened and it's not important to me to know; what is important is to get you well. I flew with you to Amarillo; they worked on you the entire time; you were admitted to CCU in DKA with pneumonia; and at that time you had a seizure, then you went into cardiac arrest; after 30 minutes they brought you back.  Over the next week you went into cardiac arrest once again and they brought you back.  They put you on life support; I had to keep you alive until your sister could get here from Oklahoma. Oh son, friends poured into the hospital; I've never seen anything like it; you were so loved.
The doctors got your diabetes somewhat controlled but you still wouldn't come out of the coma; they ask me if they could do an MRI and EEG on you; I paced the floor waiting for the doctor; he came in and told me you had extensive brain damage; swelling in your brain and it was not going to be getting any better; you were in a vegatative state.Your sister arrived and son she was devastated; I sat down with her, with Rick and with your Little Pa and we began to try and decide what to do next.  I sat with you day and night only leaving the room when visitors showed up. Your doctor came back to me on March 22, 2002 and told me he wanted to do another EEG, I agreed; that night the results were in and the swelling in your brain was worse; I had to make a decision; take you home; send you to a nursing home; or put you in the in house Hospice.  The four of us sat and talked and I told your doctor to call Hospice but I would not let them take you off of life support until on Monday because your friends needed a chance to tell you by.
Over the weekend over 100 of your friends came to see you and I told them what was going to be done; everybody agreed and everybody that could said they would be back on Monday early; they wanted to be with you.  The doctors had told us you might die as soon as life support was removed.  After talking with the doctors I told them that your sister and I would be in the room with you when they removed life support; at first they said no and I argued and told them, she and I had had you for 23 years and I was there when you breathed your first breathe and I was going to be there when you breathed your last; they finally consented.
The weekend was hard; I would sit by you and hold you and tell you everything that they were doing and going to do and I also told you everything I could think of because I knew our time together was almost over with.  I told you; My son I love you and I love you enough to let you die; to let you die with the peace and dignity you deserve. I know that you knew everything I would say to you just by your expression or the occasional tear that would fall down on your cheek.
 (to be continued  April 22, 2003)

My Son,
As I sat with you over the weekend; I was truly amazed at how loved you were.  Your friends poured in constantly. You know I would have never in my wildest dreams thought I would see some of these young men cry; they always wanted to leave that macho image; but I did see them cry. I saw them hold your hand and talk to you.  I saw the true meaning of friendship. You my son were so blessed.
I did not leave your side all weekend except when your friends were in with you. I felt that they needed their own time with you
As Monday came around; I cried and cried and held you so close to me; telling you everything that was going to happen.  My final promise to you my son; to take you off of life support and let God take total control.
Time drew near and you can't imagine the people that were there.  Melissa, the Chaplain had all your friends come into your room, and they all held hands and prayed; then they told stories about what ya'll used to do; and she ask them if they could throw one big party what would they do? I don't know what their answer was; it wasn't for me to know.
At 8:00 p.m. I went to the nurses desk and ask them if Hospice was on their way over; you see as soon as the life support was removed we were going to transfer you through the underground tunnel straight to the in house Hospice.
With your sister holding your right hand and I holding your left hand the life support was removed; you were stable enough to be moved.
Oh my son, when we came out of CCU with you in that bed the hallways were lined with your friends and family; and everybody walked through that tunnel with us.  I told Rick on the way and the nurse we had better hurry because we were losing you. If you could have seen the look on the nurses faces when this huge crowd of people came inside; you would have been amazed.  We got you to your room; just like as if you were here at home my son; friends and family stayed; some left; some came back.
I sat on the bed and held your hands all through the night and talked to you; my son, I want you to know that you are the best son a mother could ever have; God gave you to me for such a short time and now it is God's turn.
I prayed with you, I read to you, I talked to you, and my son I know you understood. Around 6:00 a.m. I began to notice some changes and went to the nurses station and we agreed that we had better call everybody back over there.  People began to arrive; the minutes were oh so precious to me my son; our time together was almost over.
As I sat on your bed and lay my head on your chest I knew my son when you took your last breath; God had taken you home with him.  No more pain and suffering; no more insulin and shots; etc. You are at peace now my son.
I sat with you they say for over an hour and then I recall telling Rick to go tell the nurse to call the funeral home that I wanted to take my baby home.
I love you my son. Thank you for being my son, for loving me, for trusting in me. I am truly blessed to be your mother. I carry you in my heart James and I love you unconditionally. Wait for me at the Crossroads son.

I love you James,

Mother