by Cindy Carey


Journey Through my Mind

They promise us sunshine today....sunshine and warmth.
As I stepped outdoors this morning....I could feel it.
Delightfully balmy air hits my face.....it feels good.
I'm glad I'm not cold....and I'm ready for sleep.
One foot in front of the other....watching out for ice.
Watching familiar scenery....counting cows....
something dad always did....he loved the back roads and cows.
Funny I should be thinking of him now....
I reach my home....my place to soon be alone and enjoy.
The kids will leave for school....and silence will be loud...
and I will wonder....about a thousand things at once
and try to find a reason....some peace.
I will pray..........I can't wait for time alone with God.
He and I......He knows the feelings inside me....
that I can't find the words for......and clearness comes.
Just yesterday morning....what a war....
a 20 year old daughter.....of course, wiser than I.....
shouts out statements that crush my heart....
and I wonder.......what happened?
I was one of those young mothers who thought....
that will never happen to me....we are so close....
she is my everything....I have taught her well.....
but, before my eyes...it happened.
I don't know what happened.....where did my daughter go?
a 17 year old son stomps through the room.....
I say "How was your day?".....and grunts
and continues through the room.....out the door.....
bothered  by my questions.....this was the little boy....
who use to want to marry me when he grew up.....
The two little children that shared .....and loved
and grew with me......playing games.....
sharing far-away hugs.....telling stories.....
blowing kisses......camping out and campfires....
learning and growing......holidays and celebrations.
Today they seem like strangers.....and though I love them dearly,
I don't think today I like them very much.
I hug my dog....he licks my tears....
I go to bed.....and I sleep.......
after I pray..........
Evening comes and busy times.....
prepare supper.....pull things together.....
everything seems quiet.....
Little sina,still young and innocent......playing outdoors....
she has been waiting for snowman snow....
and it has arrived......big flakes.....soft and fluffy....
falling lightly and sparkly in the sunsets soft glow....
The evening is beautiful.......serene....
I watch her childish joy and delight....
she doesn't know I'm watching
as she spreads her arms wide and twirls.....
face pointing upward.....mouth open wide.....
catching snowflakes on her tongue.
She falls on her back.....makes a snow angel....
then spies me watching her.....and blows a kiss.
Suddenly, her older sister returns home....
unaware that I am watching......
and joins her little sister in play.
She falls on her back and makes an angel.....
she picks her little sister up.....and together.....
they twirl.....faces upward.....mouths open wide.....
catching sparkling snowflakes on their tongues.
They laugh......they play.....I cry and understand.....
"There she is!"  "There is my Jennie.........
she IS still here......there she is....right in front of me!"
Yes.......there she is.......she's still there.....
I stand there and watch......reflecting on my week.....
and what it contained.
A child died.......a brave child......and parents grieve......
and I am blessed to watch my daughters
dancing in the snow.......tears fill my eyes......
my heart swells with emotion.....
my son walks by......"Are you ok, mom?"
He cares!   Yes.....he does care......
sometimes carelessly......but, he cares all the same.
I nod at him......"I'm just fine.....I really am just fine."
then my eyes close and I thank my God......
for opening my eyes......helping me to see....
the beauty all around me.
The beauty that surrounds me.....
and gives me strength....and peace....
happiness and assurance........and rest.
Today.....I walk through the sunshine.....and warmth
that was promised for today......
I walk past the evergreen trees......
filled with singing birds......the springlike breeze
carresses my face........now trying to understand.....
why I am on my way......
to the funeral of a child?
Some things have no answers.....but,
all things have a reason.......that someday......
we will understand.
Until that time comes.......I will lift my face to the sun.....
and remember the words of my little one......
"mommy......the sun is shining so happy!
I think it's because Christie is shining bright from heaven,"
"Yes, sweetie.......I think you're right!"
Out of the mouths of babes......
"Yes, honey.....Heaven is a brighter place today!"
Now....they are in school.....I am alone.....
and I pray...... I thank God.....
for knowing my heart......my mind.....
my thoughts......even before I speak them.....
and for the blessings He has put in my life......
All through life.....there has been pain and loss.....
we all have that.....to different degrees......
in different ways......but, we all hurt......
and we all grow......we all age.....and we learn.....
life is an adventure.......a road.....a journey......
and we aren't alone.....through the bumps and curves.....
through the joyous easy times......
He is always there......and will remain.....
in my heart.....
in my mind....
in the air....
in the trees.....
in the singing birds.....
in the music....
in the breeze....
in the gentle snowflakes....
in the soft rain....
in the sunshine....
in the love of family....
in the blessings of friendship...
in the glory of His love.....
in the soul of every child.
And I pray..........................
And I learn.........................
And I treasure every lesson taught...........
and the little girl I was.........
the memories of my life..........
and the woman I've become...........
and the future I face...........
with God at my side..........