I need to be a lot more careful of my food, water, rest, and exercise.  I am still not loving myself, and if I don't come to love myself, we all know what will happen.

 

My major complaint is that I am not clear-headed and I am distracted a lot.  I know that being a lot more rigorous about diabetes control is the only answer, and sometimes I just don't do it anyway.

 

My sugar hasn't been particularly dangerous, but if I don't get a grip, it will become so.  I'm really struggling to keep it all together, and failing in some areas.  My house is an absolute mess, I am so far behind on my school project that I'm terrified, and I finally quit Weight Watchers tonight because there was always some reason--my pass didn't come in the mail, my husband would have some reason that I should just rush and weigh in and miss the meetings, or something would come up and I would just miss the meetings altogether.  I just got tired of fighting it, and paying all that money if I only went and weighed in every other week.  I can weigh myself at home if I'm not attending the meetings.

 

Anyway, I'm fighting depression, and it's touch and go.  I really need to exercise more, and I'm so tired of isolation.  I can't work out because of my injuries, but maybe I could buy a treadmill to use in the house.  I need to do something different.

 

Anyway, good to post and just get it out in the open.

 

Cody

 

 

 

Veets,

 

I have never been able to find a mailbox for you, so I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to read my journal and for caring.

 

I am doing so much better!  My family was in chaos mode, but they've settled down.  I just don't react well to that, and when I don't react well, my health suffers.

 

My eating has stabilized quite a bit.  I'm still being pulled in 1,000 directions with work and school, and I'm managing it--amazingly.

 

I need to say "no" to a lot of people a lot more because school is hot and heavy as I near the end.  I need to put most of my time outside work into school.  So I'm working to keep it all balanced and mostly doing a much better job.

 

My injuries are permanent.  There, I said it.  I've been in denial about it for some reason.  I was like that when I first learned I had diabetes, too.  After I'd eat a carby meal, I'd be almost in a stupor and wonder why.  Now I'm very careful at meals and it's rare, indeed, that I find myself completely groggy after meals any more.  So I do have success!

 

I've started doing more creative things, and that also helps.  When I finish school--I'm hoping more more than a month from now for the bulk of it--that I can do some painting myself.  I'd love to do the bathroom.  If not, though, I'm not going to fret.  A close friend has a daughter who paints and papers and designs, so I'll just draw on her if I need to.  I need to learn that I really *can't* do it myself, and just be OK with that.  It really *is* OK.  I have a good life, and my health is quite good, even with the diabetes and the physical injuries.  I'm enjoying life, and I feel like I am really on a good path.

 

So, maybe I can do a little playtime and then get back to my schoolwork!

 

Cody

Dear Journal,

 

It's been a while.  I'm shifting seasons with my eating and exercise, and I'm doing better.  I have an enormous amount of very serious stress going on in my life right now.  At first it seemed insurmountable, and now I'm slowly starting to move forward again.

 

This is a great site--I've never seen such supportive people.  I'm glad I finally slowed down and took a little time here.

 

Cody

Dear Journal,

 

I am clearly in crisis.  My focus has been terrible, and stress levels are high.  I've had to really work to fight off depression.  So I decided what would help me most was to jump in and say hello to my friends here with diabetes and give them some encouragement, because I'm sure at least some of them are dealing with life, too!

 

My numbers have been high, and sometimes higher than others.  My eating is somewhat out of control--not as bad as it was after 3 friends died in April, but still not good.  I am just constantly craving things, and sometimes I manage to keep it at bay with small healthy snacks and then poof! it just blows.

 

Tonight I'm trying to get my focus back--just reining in my emotions, lifestyle, and dealing with the family stress, which is just absolutely out of control and outside my control.  What I'm doing is not handling those things that *are* within my control because I'm responding inappropriately to the things that are not!  What a mess!

 

My mood is pretty good--but I keep it that way with a combination of sarcastic wit and trying to stay in touch with my emotions and not let them build up and blow.

 

Meanwhile, I really need to get getter control of my diabetes.  I got a lot of exercise today, and I've been doing a lot better with that.  But I need to get even more, because it is the only thing that helps me keep my glucose levels balanced.  I'm not one of those regimented people who easily sets goals like walking 15 minutes after meals and rigorously sticking to it.  I'm too easily distracted by family emergencies that I always allow to trump my own needs.  (Yes, I know, I'm no use to anyone else if I don't have my own health--but it's like I go on automatic pilot and this doesn't even enter my awareness.)

 

Maybe journaling will help.  I've found it does help me focus, especially if I don't do it all the time.  If I only do it occasionally, it seems more powerful than if I do it a lot.  I'm sure that's just me and not appropriate for everyone.  Some people can keep a daily diary.  That's just not me.

 

I hope all are doing well on this journey we share.  I'm considering asking my doctor if insulin might be better than pills, even though I'm a type 2.  He keeps wanting to put me in studies, but some of those study drugs have caused such severe side effects that I was afraid I would die.

 

Anyway, everyone have a wonderful week.

 

Cody