Nothing says festive like yard bags under the tree (From Dave Barry)

 This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas,
 when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthasar and Herb -- went to see the
 baby Jesus, and, according to the Book of Matthew, ``presented unto Him
 gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh.' These are simple words, but if we
 analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often-overlooked,
 theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper. If there had
 been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:``And lo, the gifts WERE
 inside 600 square cubits of paper.``And the paper WAS festooned with
 pictures of Frosty the Snowman.``And Joseph WAS going to throweth it
 away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, `Holdeth it! That is nice
 paper! Saveth it for next year!'``And Joseph DID rolleth his
 eyeballs.``And the baby Jesus WAS more interested in the paper than, for
 example, the frankincense.''But these words do not appear in the Bible,
 which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped.

 This is because the people giving those gifts had two important
 characteristics:

 1. They were wise.
 2. They were men.

 Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of
 putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is
 not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of
 two guys I know. One is my son, Rob, who said the only time he ever
 wraps a gift is, quote, ``if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to
 be there when the person opens it.'' The other is my friend Gene
 Weingarten, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle
 never takes more than 15 seconds per gift.``No one ever had to wonder
 which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas,'' Gene said. ``They were the
 ones that looked like enormous spitballs.''I also wrap gifts, but
 because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never COMPLETELY wrap
 them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact
 center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball
 court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector
 of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a
 marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies,
 the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.

 On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping
 paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women,
 actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires
 batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close
 to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would
 wrap each individual volt. My point is that gift-wrapping is one of
 those skills -- like having babies -- that come more naturally to women
 than to men. That is why today I am presenting:

   GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN
 Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped.
 If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it,
 you can claim that it's myrrh. The editors of Woman's Day magazine
 recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing
 a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a
 mixture of food coloring and liquid starch.  They must be smoking crack.
 If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put
 it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This
 creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky
 recipient on Christmas morning:

 YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
 YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
 YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
 YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
 YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
 YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

 In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give,
 or how you wrap it.

 The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you
 save the receipt.

Love em Jack!! LOL