The Lovers

I
Gentle hands that touch my body
Gentle words that touch me
Searching for my secrets
Exploring me as I try
To discover myself.

He is so hungry for me
For the air I breathe
The lips I hesitantly lick
The hands that will not stay still
He wants it all
He wants too much.

We do not think of troubles now
Entwined in each other's arms.
Time will heal most things
Though scars will remain,
Like bloodstained sheets,
Hidden but not gone
Silent accusations
My tears have dried

Perhaps it is only a dream
Sent by Shakespeare's Puck,
Or the deceiving Borachio,
He is so uncertain
I am so lost
I do not know what to do,
what to think
where to go
So I stay.

I shiver and he holds me.
There is nothing between us now.
Not words, not anger, not space.
We lie together in stillness
In silence
There is no need for words
We both understand.
Almost as if it were love.

II
Sometimes I wake up screaming
Not often, just sometimes
The nights I sleep.
Screaming, reaching
For the knife under my mattress.
It wasn't suicide
It was self-defense
Cacophony of sounds
Collage of images
Only his voice
Only his face
Haunting me with memories
You are so beautiful
I want you
I love you, I love you, I love you
I hate him, I hate him, I hate him
A blue tweed skirt, knee length
Sensible cotton turtleneck sweater
Black knee socks under
Schoolgirl Mary Jane flats
A promise of change
A pact of respectability
Regained
Now crumpled behind the wardrobe
Garments of a fallen woman
One of us was drunk that night
It wasn't me, a can of Coke in my hand
I feel the accusing eyes watching me everywhere I go
You lie, he never would, I know him
I did too
Whore, what did you expect, a girl like you?
I only went back there cause he needed me
Cause he didn't want to be alone
Cause the other man scared me
Memories, unkind hands, I don't want it!
Sometimes I take their drugs
And go far away from here
And him
Sometimes I don't
Sometimes I wake screaming
Screaming, reaching for the knife
And realize that I never fell asleep.