Musings from the Workplace 

There is a guy in my company, who shall remain nameless, that seems to have an extremely skewed sense of reality.  He will sit in a meeting and complain how things didnt go exactly how he planned no matter how much money he threw at it.  The rest of us usually just look at each other with raised eyebrows, because we know that if it is a bad idea, it doesnt matter how much money you throw around, it wont fly.

 

After what seemed liked close to an hour of his rambling, belly aching and excuses, my mind started to wander.  Now dont get all judgmental on me; I know I am not the only one that glazes over when they are inundated with nonsense. I found myself imaging, as I often do, that he was an aspiring writer trying to get his first book published.

 

 "Sir, your mail has arrived.  It would appear that you have a response from the William Morris Agency on your book."  Jeeves says, handing Mr. X a stack of envelopes.

"Well, its about time.  Dont they realize how valuable my time is?"

"Apparently not, sir.  Will there be anything else?"

"That will be all Jeeves."  Mr. X replies with a dismissive wave of his hand.

A confused look sweeps over his face as he reads the impersonal form letter. He crumples up the letter and slams his fists on his desk.

"Jeeves!"

"Coming, sir."  He calls from the other room.

"Get Owen Laster of the William Morris Agency on the phone for me."

"With all due respect sir, I dont think they like to discuss proposals over the phone."

"He will discuss it with me.  Just get him on the phone."  He declares, sitting back in his chair as he waits for Jeeves to return with the number.

Jeeves silently dials in the number and places the call on speakerphone.

"Hello?" I voice echoes out of the speakerbox.

"Owen, this is Mr. X.  I wanted to talk to you about a proposal that I sent to your company."

"This is my private home phone number!  How did you get it?" Mr. Laster demanded.

"I have my ways.  Listen I think there has been some kind of mistake.  I received a rejection letter today."

"I was just about to sit down to dinner, call my office if you are hell bent on discussing this over the phone."

"This wont take long, as I have said it is clearly a mistake.  I sent you a proposal for the next best seller of all time.  Hell, we may even be talking movie rights and the whole nine yards."

"What was the book called?"

"The downside of being rich. It is about all of the hassles that I have to face every day just to keep a firm grip on my money and try to make more of it."

"Seriously? Did I mention that I was about to eat?  I dont have time for practical jokes. Mannie, is that you?"

"Mannie?  No, I have already told you that this is Mr. X."  He replied shrugging at the speakerphone as if Owen could see him.

"Well I am sure whoever looked at your proposal, gave it careful consideration before deciding to decline on it." 

"You didnt review it personally?  I sent it directly to you."

"No, Mr. X, I didnt.  I have an entire staff that is dedicated to doing that very thing."

"Well, I still think there must be some sort of mistake.  Preliminary results show that it will sell very well."

"Do tell."

"My wife, said that it really captured the essence of what a day in my life is like. Three out of my four maids said that it was absolutely riveting."

"Only three?"  Owen asked with a smirk.

"Well yes, the other one doesnt speak English.  My Au Pair says that she reads it to my children every night and they love it. My butler Jeeves says that it is the best thing that he has ever read.  Isnt that right, Jeeves?"

"Quite right, sir."

"My gardener, says that he has considered translating it to Spanish so that he can share it with his whole family.  My driver even asked if he could have an entire Sunday off so that he could read it in one sitting."

"Yeah, I am sure that is why he wanted a day off."  Mr. Laster quipped.

"That is what he told me.  He is still reading it in his off time.  I guess he is a slow reader."

"How big of a book is this?"

"Well if I keep it down to a font size of 8 and only use half inch margins, it is only a few hundred pages or so."

"No I mean words.  What is your word count?"

"Oh, it is in the area of four hundred thousand."

"Four hundred thousand words?  Are you insane?"

"Well I have a lot to say and I didnt want to deprive anyone of any of my thoughts."

"Mr. X, let me stop you right there.  This isnt going to happen.  There is not a publisher on the planet that will publish your book for you.  Have you considered Vanity Press?"

"Well we will just have to see about that.  I will have the last laugh when I am at the top of the best sellers list."

"Good luck with that!"  Owen said before hanging up the phone.

"Jeeves find out how much it will cost to publish my book on our own."

"Yes, Sir.  How many copies should I inquire about?"

"Good point, find out how many copies I have to see to be #1 on the best sellers lists.  Then make twice that many."

"Very well, sir.  I will start on this first thing tomorrow."

"I bet the guys in the office are going to love it.  They always seem to enjoy hearing me talk."

"Not nearly as much as you do I am sure."  Jeeves muttered under his breath.

"What was that Jeeves?"

"Not nearly as much as they will enjoy reading them, I am sure."  Jeeves replied after clearing his throat.

 

But then I realized that the throat clearing was coming from Mr. X as he waited for my response on why his idea wouldnt work.  Oh, well.  I am sure that my answer wouldnt have been any different if I had actually been listening to him.