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|  0 recommendations | Message 1 of 28 in Discussion |
| | (Original Message) | Sent: 10/20/2006 8:20 AM |
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| | | From: Indigo | Sent: 10/26/2006 5:21 PM |
Hey Chuvstvui -- Sorry if I over-reacted--my comments weren't specifically aimed at you or anyone else in particular---My comments were meant as a general reminder of HoH,s original intentions--- I see that we got plenty of great input from our members in the "General Discussion" section...Everything is very cool--- Once again Peace & Healthy discussions reign in the Land of HoH-- Your friend Indigo |
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Hey FC I agree with you man, it's whatever; live and let live - I don't like this attitude of division, we've all been there if we aren't there right now we could be in a New York minute; if you don't struggle with temptation I would submit that you wre never addicted in the first place; Hey man, I used to come visit this board all the time; I don't know how I drifted away but it wasn't intentional on my part, my PC was down for awhile, I moved, and I just fell out of the habit - I'll try to stop by a little more often now that I'm reminded, but anyway this post sort of voiced something that kind of coincidentally resignates with me as I visit; that is this; when I used ot come here before I would get very tempted to use; I distinctly remember coming to this site while waiting for a deal to go through; now I'm reading about dope without the slightest temptation to use, It's great....it's like for maybe the first time in my life I feel cured. What's the difference? For the first time in my life I have an adequate Methadone dose. For anyone who questions the idea of 'adequate dosing' - especially if you are fighting a clinic that has the an 'abstinence is best' philosophy toward treatment as opposed to a modality that starts at harm reduction. Hi everyone; a lot of new people. Special hugz to Sha I missed you. |
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Hey Indigo, no problem and nice to meet you.
So I guess I can feel addiction growing. I am starting to get frustrated when I had my last hit, and today in the afternoon I started wanting some, because I knew I had some at home. If I don't get anymore tonight, I plan on cooling it for a while to let it get out of my system. The worse part of withdrawing for me is sleepless nights. The pain in my back and being a little feverish, and feeling sick don't bother me. I just hate not being able to sleep. And I know these withdrawals are nothing compared to someone who has been using for a while. Point is, I don't much want to find out what that's like. |
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| | | From: Indigo | Sent: 10/28/2006 8:31 PM |
Hey Chuv -- I'm not that familiar with your addiction history but be careful with your theory on cycles.. Sure I can relate to cycles of certain foods, TV shows, music etc,-- but don't fool yourself that you're in any control of the heroin using cycle -- You're Dancing with the Devil now & you're not leading..I used heroin for 30 years & then I got unto Methadone for the next 10 years (though I still use H every month or so). So I know abit about heroin addiction .. You're still in the early stages of heroin adddiction but you're already in great danger (as the little voice in your head is probably telling you)..Its very good that you realize that your addiction is growing,, I feel like telling you to stop doing the H now, while your chances of success are the best,- but we all have to go through our own trips---- I truely hope that your heroin use is just a minor cycle in your life, cause it gets real ugly for alot of people who choose to Dance with the DEvil... 40 years ago I also remember telling myself that I just need "to cool it for awhile" -- I'm still Dancing.... Good Luck & let me know if I can be of any help. Indigo |
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Hey Indigo,
First thanks for the reply. Yeh I know I am playing with fire. And I had decided that I wanted to take a break after my cousin bought us some. He didn't hook up and my last hit left me disappointed, but I said fine I will take a break now. That was Friday night. I went out of town on Saturday to where my kids are staying, and I started going through withdrawals. Basically for me it is sleeplessness with some sort of terrible anxiety when I lay still. So I ended up falling half asleep sometime around 6 am or so. When I woke up I wasn't feeling bad. As the day went on, about 3 or so hours later, I started wanting some dope. I was getting a little feverish and anxious I guess. I don't really know how to explain it, and I can't really remember exactly how I felt, except for that I felt bad, especially since I am high right now. So I tried to deal with it. I was supposed to stay out of town until tomorrow morning. I asked my sons' father if he had any hook-ups, thereby for the first time letting him find out that I even do anything. He made some calls. One guy had gone to the city to cop. I bought a beer hoping to take the edge off. It helped a little. A couple of hours later he finally got a hold of the guy, but he only got enough for himself because he was sick, and he is trying to cool it also. I tried to just deal with the fact that I wasn't going to get any until I got back home the next night, but I was trying to do homework, and I couldn't concentrate. So I made an excuse (which was actually a real reason, I had forgotten something at home that I needed for school) and got on the road and called the dope man and drove an hour and a half to him. I went home and got normal. I have a question, but I am gonna make a new topic for it. And I talked with my cousin about it and we both said we definitely have to cool it. We have been using for about 3 weeks or a month almost straight now. It started off on the weekends and just spread. I was thinking that I would reduce to once a day, at night, starting tomorrow, just so I can sleep, and once I run out that's it for now.
Why am I playing with fire? Not because I don't realize the risks, and not because I think I am invincible. I just like dope. It's also the safest drug for me (excluding marijuana, and I don't much care for her). I say safest cuz I have HIV, and it doesn't mess with the virus reproduction (like cocaine, speeds up replication as it does the rest of the bodies process). Yes it taxes the liver, but I am not on any meds yet. I stopped taking meds over 7 years ago, but now my CD4 is down to 300 if you all know what that means. 200 and below is AIDS. I will start back on meds in February after I get back from a little trip overseas to see my boyfriend.
Chuvstvui |
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Hi Chuv, Just a really quick note becasee i'm out the door.......but please be real careful when you stop using for a while and then start up again. You bodies resistance will go back down and you can od. You probably know this already, but just be careful. Thats how LOTS of people od.......they quit for a while then decide to get high and do what they used to do and od. thanx, sue |
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| Thats the nature of the drug. It creeps in. I think we all get what your saying about withdrawals - there ain't nothing peacful about them!!! Take care of your bod hay, you've only got one. My uncle had AIDS and as I'm sure you know it's heart wrenching. Keep your count up as long as you can. Listen to me, like you don't know this shit!!!! Keep in touch. | | | |
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Thanks for the replies guys :) Suzi, I hear ya and definitely keep that in mind. I usually do a smaller starting dose too when I get some because I don't know if it is different stuff. My cousin snorts, and he snorts before I get a chance to shoot, so I always ask him how he rates it. I was looking over the site more yesterday and found that link for safe shooting. I learned some good info there, and reinforced some others that I already knew. One thing is that I use a belt for lack of a good rubber tie. The thing about the belt is that I don't get a chance to loosen it up til after the shot, but since reading the info on safer shooting I have been trying to loosen it before I shoot so I can feel it as I go. I am very conscious about trying not to do too much. My best friend's husband OD'd and died. Not sure if I already mentioned this on a previous post or not. I knew him from childhood and he was my mom's friend. He was a drug addict from way back. I am not sure how long he used, but approximately 25 years. No one really knows the exact story, but he OD'd at some random person's rowhouse. They were so curtious as to open the back door and roll him out of the second story, down the flight of stairs into the alley, like a bag of trash. The first time I shot up dope (June of this year in Russia, with my new boyfriend) I was very scared. All I could think of was this guy, and how I had to trust my boyfriend with the dose because I had no idea how much to do, etc. He is pretty knowledgeable and careful. Anyway, I do a lot of research for personal info, I like to be informed, and it is nice how much info can be found on the net. But long story not so short, thanks for your concern hon :) Behindlis, Hiya, thanks for your concern too :) I have been pretty lucky. I haven't had to be on meds, and my body kept all the numbers in check for years, but the nature of the dis-ease is catching up with me. Honestly, I don't want to start back on meds ... but at this point I don't have much choice. I have a poor memory, scatterbrained, and it will be hard to get into the habit of taking pills everyday. But I have to do what I have to do. Ironically, the first person who introduced me to shooting any drug (coke), is the one who infected me, but not because he was an IV drug user... Until next time! |
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| I hear what you are saying. It took me close to tenyears to start doing 'the right thing' by my bod. Mind you, my condition isn't quite as serious as yours! You will find the strength some where - it's human nature to do whats gotta be done. Be safe. PS It amazes me I walked away from my habit and days on the street clean. I really feel for you, coz I know it could easily have been me. | | | |
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It sounds like you are just starting to get into using heroin. You get uncomfortable but you're no where near real true withdrawals. When a person is dopesick they don't sleep for DAYS. Symptoms include nonstop vomitting, shitting all over yourself because you have the runs, sweats, chills, watery eyes, runny nose, gooseflesh, muscle aches, muscle spasiams, anxiety, those are the ones I can recall instantly. And you definately didn't use a ounce in one weekend, a ounce here in Seattle contains roughly 24 GRAMS. I used to buy in large quanities because it's cheaper when you're strung out and if you have a decent amout of cash why not buy in bulk? I was doing about 4 1/2 grams a day to get well and another 1 1/2 to get a bit high. Basically I was using 2 8-Balls a day, a 8-Ball contains 3 grams here in Seattle and is way cheaper than buying by the gram. Grams on the street go for $60, if you get a gram through a Mexican dealer it's $30. A 8-Ball is only $70-80 through a Mexican dealer and you get 3 grams so it's worth it, see? On the street a 8-ball is about $100-110 so you still get price cut but not like if you buy off the Mexican dealers. I don't want anyone that hasn't used heroin to go out and try it but if you're using it why not try to get the best deal? When I was in your shoes meaning first using heroin I was in love with the stuff. I wouldn't listen to anyone as far as when it came to quitting. Why quit, I hadn't experianced any negative consequences yet, notice I say yet. When you only assocaite pleasant feelings and a good time with using there is no real motivation to stop. At least for me things had to get really ugly for me to consider getting help. And no I didn't get help and stop using and everything is great blah blah blah. I've been seeking help since 1999. I've tried many different forms of treatment like inpatient, outpatient, detox, methadone, buprenorphine, cold turkey, detox at home with a kick kit, NA, all kinds of things. Methadone has worked the best. I've been on methadone since February this time around, I've been on the stuff at least 5 different times. My problem is I use cocaine really bad when I get on methadone so I always end up getting kicked off for dirty urine screens. I'm pregnant so I haven't been using and I've actually been working a recovery program that does it for me. I attend a weekly support group, get acupuncture, do one on one counseling, all these things help me stay clean. My last run was my worst, I lost everything and stooped to levels I never thought possiable. Desperation had set in and let me tell you desperation is very ugly. Enjoy the honeymoon period of heroin addiction while it last because you should know it won't last, where you are right now is as good as it gets. Tk |
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Chuvstvui, Wow, How do you pronounce that?? lol. I wish I could reach thru the computer screen and gently hug you and beg you to PLEASE give the H a break. Like TK and others have said, The withdrawl and dope sickness gets worse with use. You have the chance right now to walk away without going any deeper. Chuvstvui, My Son couldnt walk away, He used for at least 2 yrs. It was probally alot longer, But two years before he died is when he came to me and said, " Mom, I fucked up, Im majorly addicted to H." He ended up taking his life because he didnt know how to get back into life. Please Please be very careful, Much Love Karen |
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| | | From: Indigo | Sent: 11/2/2006 8:40 PM |
Chuv -- Ditto to everything that ThunderKiss said!! Right now Its probably very hard to believe that all these ugly things can happen to you since your just beginning your H journey---We all like to think that we're smarter & that we'd NEVER let ourselves cross those lines--Unfortunately we're all the same more or less--it took me at least 15 years of using before I truely believed that I had NO control over my H addiction-----then I spent another 10 years going to all kinds of treatment centres, detoxes, methadone clinics, NA/AA meetings etc etc--But NOTHING worked for me cause I wasn't ready to get honest with myself---Finally I got serious about the methadone & I've been doing OK for the last 10 plus years--- Now you're nowhere near this situation but it does all start out very innocently---Not everyone sinks as low as I did but you never know where this Heroin will take you to-- I never set out with the intention of wasting so many decades as a full blown junkie--Nobody sets out with the intention of pissing away the years , - it just seems to happen no matter what our initial intentions were---All I can say is good luck & Buyer Beware.... |
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| | From:  Karen-_ | Sent: 11/2/2006 10:03 PM |
Hi Chuv... Addiction is Progressive...period. No matter how long you abstain from it each time you use it puts you in a little deeper. I hope you can kick it before it takes hold. Be Safe... and don't ever think you are smarter than any drug...because the drug always wins. I am a recovering addict, and I was graced by something that told me never to shoot up anything because if I did I would no longer be! That I am Grateful for...  TK...Bravo for not using with the Baby! Seen too many messed up little babes come out....breaks my Heart...  I Am Proud of You!...  Love and Joy K |
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Hey Thunderkiss,
Nah I laughed at myself and corrected my mistake in the post under the one I think you are replying to. I was high when I wrote it and even if I wasn't high I think one thing and say or write another, so when I went back and say I put ounce I had a good laugh :) and resplied noting my mistake. I am actually worried about this next time I go thru withdrawals, because I have been putting it off, and using more. Before it was annoying, but the last time, last week it was more than annoying. I know I can do it, I just keep one daying myself. I enjoy the high, but it is costing me because it is hard to get high and do well in school. I am in college, junior.
I am a little sick of it, just cuz I am tired of sticking myself, but snorting is a waste to me, and I don't like the taste. It is gonna be a tough however long when I do stop... Plus I can't afford what I have been doing. I got a refund check and supplied myself and my cousin for a bit. Also I am going back to Russia for a month and I want to be clean before I go there.
Lovingmom -
heh it is a difficult one to pronouce :) choovstvoi kind of how to pronounce it. It is russian and means Feel it! but it leaves the person wondering feel what? Thanks for all the concern, everyone. I am gonna give it a break, and soon. Now here is where I am one daying it because I already do get the sleepless nights. The last time was about a week and it kills me for school. But I am gonna have to do it. I am very sorry for your son and thanks for sharing that with me.
Oh and I second the notion of Karen, way to go Thunderkiss for thinking of the baby :) I have 2 sons, 11 and 7. They aren't living with me atm, they are with grandma while I am finishing up school. I once took a hit of weed while pregnant with the first one and I had such a guilt trip for the longest time :) But I didn't drink, and never smoked cigarrettes (tried but my I hated them). I found out I had HIV during my second pregnancy, he is healthy and didn't get it :))
Me |
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| TK- is he ever coming out?!!!! I got distracted and forgot what I was gonna say!!!! Buggar!!! | | | |
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