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I've been struggling with cocaine addiction for the last three to four months bad. I'm on methadone, the clinic is only a couple blocks from my house, which is nice. But the bad part about it is I live in a area where crack use is off the hook. I didn't know it when I moved into this apartment last April. I knew that a few miles away from my place heroin is available on the street most of the time. But I had no clue that crack was a bad problem in the area I live in. I mean the people that live in my apartment aren't on drugs, most are students or hospital workers. There are like five hospitals within five miles of my place. I live in a decent place, but there are some cheap apartments where a lot of addicts live practically next door to my apartment. Lots of methadone patients live in the area too, but these aren't people that are staying clean. It's crazy. I haven't been working much at all, my bills are starting to pile up. If I didn't have a sugar daddy I would be up shit creek without a paddle! He's been helping me with my bills and whatnot the past few months. Everytime I say I'm done with the cocaine and throw out my pipes someone gives me free shit. It's horrid. I need to move. But then I'll have to commute to the clinic again. At least I have a car so it won't be that bad. It's hard because my man and I are both addicts on methadone and we set eachother off. When I want to not use he does and when he doesn't want to use I do. It's just stressful. I end up using heroin daily because of the cocaine I'm doing, it eats through my dose. I hate being a addict! I'm having a hard time right now. I just needed to vent. I've been taking my meds, antidepressants and stuff daily but they don't work right when a person is using drugs still. I need help. I hate what I'm becoming. I don't want to get kicked off the program. Enough outta me. Thunderkiss I haven't been online lately because I didn't have internet access for awhile, but I just got it back today. I'm so happy I did because I love this site. Just venting makes me feel a lot better. |
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TK, I missed you, and I had a feeling you were
having a hard time, and that is why you disappeared.
I am glad you came back and told us you are ok, or
as OK, as you can be at the moment.
Stay close, and if you need a shoulder i am here for
you, Love and hugs Karen
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Thursday, January 20, 2005 6:33
PM
Subject: cocaine haze
cocaine
haze
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| From: MissingThunderkiss0004 |
I've been struggling with cocaine addiction for
the last three to four months bad. I'm on methadone, the clinic
is only a couple blocks from my house, which is nice. But the
bad part about it is I live in a area where crack use is off the
hook. I didn't know it when I moved into this apartment last
April. I knew that a few miles away from my place heroin is
available on the street most of the time. But I had no clue that
crack was a bad problem in the area I live in. I mean the people
that live in my apartment aren't on drugs, most are students or
hospital workers. There are like five hospitals within five
miles of my place. I live in a decent place, but there are some
cheap apartments where a lot of addicts live practically next
door to my apartment. Lots of methadone patients live in the
area too, but these aren't people that are staying clean. It's
crazy. I haven't been working much at all, my bills are starting
to pile up. If I didn't have a sugar daddy I would be up shit
creek without a paddle! He's been helping me with my bills and
whatnot the past few months. Everytime I say I'm done with the
cocaine and throw out my pipes someone gives me free shit. It's
horrid. I need to move. But then I'll have to commute to the
clinic again. At least I have a car so it won't be that bad.
It's hard because my man and I are both addicts on methadone and
we set eachother off. When I want to not use he does and when he
doesn't want to use I do. It's just stressful. I end up using
heroin daily because of the cocaine I'm doing, it eats through
my dose. I hate being a addict! I'm having a hard time right
now. I just needed to vent. I've been taking my meds,
antidepressants and stuff daily but they don't work right when a
person is using drugs still. I need help. I hate what I'm
becoming. I don't want to get kicked off the program. Enough
outta me.
Thunderkiss
I haven't been
online lately because I didn't have internet access for awhile,
but I just got it back today. I'm so happy I did because I love
this site. Just venting makes me feel a lot better.
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Hi Thunderkiss, Sounds like you're having a hard time. You kind of are in the same boat as me. My hubby still wants to get high, we were separated for a while but circumstances brought us together again and I hate to say it but when I see him, I see dope. So I need to work on getting him to move again. I can't be around people, places that still use or I will too. Maybe some day I will be able to handle that kind of situation, but not now. Good luck to you Thunderkiss, luv, sue |
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| | | From: wopaho | Sent: 1/21/2005 5:29 PM |
hey there T.K, i was wondering what had happend to you and for what its worth im just glad yoor alive. i hope ok too, but i know how it gets and sometimes alive isnt even a word of encouragement. it seems alot of people have been freakin out lately. me too.. not to pass up good gettin high time. you know. none the less saw you posted and felt that in the past you've been a big help to me, i i wish i could be one for you too. unfortunately i cant. maybe i can. idont know. was getting all strung out and shit. well you know how it goes. managed to cut my habit way back. but still seem completely unable to let go of the whole fucking mess. i dont know. dont even try pretending to anymore. well hope you figure out whatever it is that your doing and do it before its too late. shit i hope i dont sound like a fucking freak here. but my head doesnt always chime right..all in all.. i hope your doing the best it is you can do, for whatever its worth and hang in there..xoxodavid |
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Thundakiss, I know exactly what you are going through. My wife and I kicked a bad Heroin habit, I guess you could say we stopped using cocaine too. My clean date is 11/12/02 and when we got clean we were sadly living in an area of denver where coke and heroin were readily available. I thank God that my wife and I were and still are on the same page, if we werent we would have had to split up!!! You have to make a decision, do you want to live or die??? It is really that easy, especially if you are on methadone, it should be easier to quit if you are on it. If you and your ole man are no good for each other then you need to do some serious thinking. Once you make that decision then it is down hill from there...keep reminding yourself what you want...you "CAN" do it!!! PEACE OUT!!! BULL
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| | | From: Marco | Sent: 1/22/2005 9:40 PM |
Hey TK- somehow I knew that's what was going on with you; don't know how, but I just had a feeling. Anyway, good to hear from you no matter what the circumstances. I know it's gotta be tough, but you're an awfully strong person and you've done it before. You can pick yourself up again and start over. Sounds like moving would be a good start. Good luck to you, hang in there, and do what you need to do- you know how to get thru it and and I believe in my heart that you can and will put it behind you. Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing. Marco |
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| | From:  ©Sha | Sent: 1/23/2005 4:04 PM |
"Online"..even as 'cyber' and "unreal" as it may seem to some..when we are alone..and one can be alone in a housefull of people...it can be a life saver. Glad to hear you TK..it sucks this running the 'trying to get our lives back' road. But run it we do until something so clicks in us and we say 'no more.' Even then we are tempted time and time again. I remember well when I started running that road..I went through so many different scenes in my head as to what I had to do to stop using..and saw them through..each and every one. Not taking calls..not taking the familiar highways and streets anywhere near to places I would score..leaving myself without enough cash or putting it were I could not touch it for awhile..tearing up phone numbers I memorised anyway..not seeing or going near places peaple and things that were triggers..not going out period..being dropped off in the country without a phone or car back for a couple of weeks..leaving the country..checking into rehab after rehab..making sure there were no works in my possesion anywhere...loading up on high doses of methadone..and a hundred other things I didn't mention here. After all that I ended up being a junkie who used on her own and alone..all the time. What did I learn..that if you are not ready to stop you are not ready to stop. We each of us has to have a reason to stop..and if we don't like ourselves very much then there really is no reason good enough is there. Why do we push so much..play with our lives as if they meant nothing. Is it living on the edge..the rush of danger...not caring..not knowing how to care or having the tools to cope..or all of the above and more....what??? Well something inside of us wants life or we wouldn't be here typing this shit out day after day..month after month or whatever. It's frigging mind boggling and makes me nuts..could it be as simple as keeping busy..learning how to live..seeking out the tools that work for others and applying them to our own lives..dealing with emotion instead of avoiding it..choosing..doing the work for once? Not looking to others and other things for why we use but looking inside...really inside..as painful or unimportant as that may seem? I don't have the answers..obviously..but I have a hell of a lot of questions like you TK. So now I don't use so much..22 days this year...I'm taking it slow..taking it easy..not looking so much for the 'why's' and 'who's' but rather at the day in front of me and what I can do to make it through without using. Methadone certainly makes it easier..I guess there are no easy answers. I wish for you some though TK...a starting place...a middle ground...anything but the grief you are feeling now. Sha... |
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HI TK,
I just wanted to post some encouragement. I hate crack so much - it's a truly evil drug. There's no satisfaction from it, just a need for more. I was wired to both crack and heroin with my boyfriend (now husband), so I can totally relate to triggering each other. We used to start each day sincerley trying to quit, but we would look at each other a certain way, and we'd be off and running again. We didn't even have to say anything. It was a bad pattern.
Anyways, I hope you are hanging in, and staying safe. You've been through so much, but you are strong and you can pull through this too. I'll send you some positive vibes.
-Curiosity |
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