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| | | From: Josephine (Original Message) | Sent: 5/16/2006 8:40 AM |
I feel stupid. It's completely lame of me to rant and rave about alcohol on a heroin board. Seriuosly. I keep telling myself that I survive H, and this too shall pass, but I'm miserable. I've been sick - so sick - all day for days, at one point in and out of pet mal seizures. And why? Because I drank half a gallon of Cuervo Classico. I still don't know why I did it. I was mad. I'm still mad. So now I will veer off course for a lesson on the anger of women: I don't get mad - or rather, I don't let people know when I am. I think a lot of women are guilty of this. It's not lady like to get angry and - at least for me - the range and untamed passion of mt rage frightens me to the point that I cannot face it. and so I let people walk on me, and I let other people take their bad moods out on me. Because I am the trusty doormat. and then, I stopped. I didn't mean to. It was silly. I don't even remember what got me started, only that some tiny thing became "the thing" that did it. and I drank and raged and drank and raged and drank and raged. My doctor, a few weeks ago, offered to give me some anti depressants, and I said no. I said, "but I'm not depressed." and he laughed at me. Like it's so obvious - like I'm wearing a sign, delaring to the world "Guess what! I'm crazy!" but I'm not. I keep my emotions in check 99% of th time. Is that why he thought I was depressed? because I subscribe to a theory of "Show no emotion"? I had fitful dreams last night - I was drinking more tequilla, straight from the bottle - but every time I threw the bottle back, a shotgun shell blasted through the back of my head. It was quite a mess. I worry that it's a premonition. I don't believe in suicide, so that's not what I mean - but I've always known on some level that when I die, it's going to be something I cause. I just didn't hink it would be so soon. Miracles to all my favourtie junkies. Josie |
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| | From:  ©Sha | Sent: 5/16/2006 6:44 PM |
Hi Josie..Trust this day finds you in a better place..because I know the rage you speak of..I think like you said..many women do..and again like you said..are afraid to acknowledge it..release it. Perhaps if we did we (and those around us)..would then have some peace. It seems you are well aware of what ails you..what mountain you have to climb to put this monster to rest once and for all. I suppose the challenge is to actually release it. Sometimes I think we hold onto our rage..anger..because it is 'ours'..no one can touch it. And as women..many of us are doormats for the people we love. I wonder though how the people we love and who love us would feel if they really knew what we thought of ourselves. Perhaps it's time to tell them..to have 'some' understanding and then help with all these pent up emotions. After all..we must stand a far better chance at life with people as opposed to a bottle or syringe. Something to think on anyway. Instinct (premonotion) tells you there is nothing but sorrow if you keep up this way of dealing with your emotions (alone..by yourself)..I think if we care to hear it..our instincts can also tell us how to sstep out of this tornado we exist in. Take care Sha |
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((((((Josie)))))) Hey Sweety, Dont be so hard on yourself. Im so glad I checked H of H today,. I use to get all the post in my inbox but it never goes there.
I have changed it 3 times. I think the reason the doctor suggested anti-depressants are because Anger turned inward is depression. If it isnt now it soon will be. You have been thru so much in your young life and You dont deserve to take things from people and let them walk all over you. Did you ever think you feel guilt about things so its your way of punishing yourself???? I could be completely wrong and off base. I just know after Gino died i was doing alot of drinking. I was put on pain meds and I continued to drink for a while. One night I almost od'd. I know i was a hair away from it. I didnt like myself, i was punishing myself because i thought that is what i deserved. The last time I drank Joe cried and begged me to stop... Im so glad to hear your Ok. The seizures are awful, your very lucky nothing else happened. I was talking to the trainer in my gym today and he told me he almost died from drinking. He drank 3/4 of a bottle of vodka in an hour He was in the hospital on a respirator. Write me when you get a chance, ok?? I love you to pieces, Karen |
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Josephine,,,, Hi...  ....NA considers alcohol a drug so rant,,,rave,,rage on...I have a very delicate liver also,,,the liver does re-create itself yet never to what it was...I definitely have an anger problem and when I dont release it in constructive ways,,,I rage and rail (hopefully by and to myself) sometimes with others present....For me rage is all about myself,,,I use other excuses yet anger/rage is anger/rage towards ME and it does turn to depression...I get pissed off at myself for not being good enough,,,strong enough,,,open enough,,,progressive enough to handle certain life situations then bango zingo Im off....LOLOLOL...When I think rationally I realise that I cant do anything about what others do to me,,,,I can only control my reaction to them and what I choose to do to myself....If I thought rationally all the time and just allowed myself to let it all go Id be fine......I deal with anger/rage every day,,,,its just one of those emotions I cant let go....Keep the faith,,,youll do well...FC  |
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