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| | | From: MAxi1981 (Original Message) | Sent: 12/11/2008 3:11 AM |
Hi again i sure have been posting alot in the last few days, after a year of watching:-) I tried writing some things down, Jack suggested journaling and i have been really getting into it, it has been quite emotional because i have held so much in for so long. I thought i'd post one of the things i wrote, not too sure what i think of it, but it felt like a bit of a realease to write it. Dear Heroin I have loved you Loathed you Craved you Dreamed of you Cried for you Lied for you I spent my last dollar on you I sold my body for you I gave you the last piece of my dignity I lost my unborn baby to you I got sick because of you I have made those I love suffer because of you I have tried to give you up I lost I tried again And again But I missed you I thought I needed you I deceived myself to be with you once more I regretted it every time Your hold so strong My will so weak Your pleasure outweighed the pain But only for a moment Then it all starts again So I want to say goodbye to you this time I no longer want to be under your spell Heroin My lover My tormentor I have had enough I hope Well abit depressing i know but that seems to be my permanent state at the moment i hope everyone is doing ok especially round this chrisatmas time, and that this site keeps on going Thanx  Anna
<o:p></o:p> <o:p></o:p> <o:p></o:p> <o:p></o:p> |
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Hey Anna,
Holy shit girl! That was awesome. You definitely need to keep journaling and please share whenever you want to! Also, you are so right, it is like a huge release of all those sneaky, shifty and tempting desires that Heroin has its hold on us.
You are a wonderful writer and I mean it. VERY impressed and I look forward to whatever you write in the future. And yes, it can be very emotional. Reading what you wrote, what you had been holding in.... Once you are able to write and digest what you wrote, you realize just how much and how many ways our "be all fix everything" thought process toward using is so twisted.
Way to go girl. Keep it coming. Very impressed.
God Bless, Jack |
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WOW, incredible words Anna. You mentioned in another post about getting off methadone. The reason Lucky mentioned going up on the dose is to get to a steady dose where you feel good mentally and physically and then you can start reducing again.. If you listen to your body it will tell you when you can reduce, but slowly enough that you dont have to suffer the side effects.. I would hate to see you go backwards after working so hard to get where your at.. Its not a race... There is no set time people can remain on methadone.. Be gentle with yourself, Love Karen |
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Hi  Firstly thankyou both for the compliments  It don't think i have written anything down in that way or in a diary ext. since right at the begining of my heroin use. I think the lower i go in my Methadone dose the more the past comes back and the more clearly i see it. If only my mind was'nt going a million miles an hour, it would'nt be so bad. The guilt has also come on super strong. I wonder if it is posible to forgive yourself and others for somethings. I have been told it is, but so far have found it impossible. I am sure everyone here has done things they regret, it's the nature of the beast. How does everyone else cope with it??? i think i used heroin to forget in the first place but then did more things that i needed to forget whilst using, so now there are double as many as there were to begin with! Anyways back to what i wanted to say before rambling off, Thankyou Jack and Karen I so muchly appriciate your replys, they make my day  Anna |
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Hey Anna,
I get what you mean about it being so hard to face your past and try to find some way to reconcile with it. One thing I've found is that guilt is natural emotion to feel when you feel you've done something bad. Its your conscious tapping you on the shoulder and that's a good thing. Remember, we're all human.
Another way to look at it is to ask yourself "Did I intend to hurt not only myself but other's. Did I know what a monster I had created within myself? Did I think as I was growing up, "Hey, I want to be a junkie when I grow up?" Of course the answer is absolutely hell no..
People make mistakes, errors in judement, decisions not thought all the way through. No one is perfect but I believe that the past, once faced and acknowledged, should be just that, the past. We can't let it hold us prisoner forever so the only way to go - having falling so far down into the abyss of addiction is to start moving forward and learning from it.
For me, the journaling is a way to work on releasing myself from all the demons that heroin used to destroy my life. You can't keep all those buried emotions stuffed down in your heart. They're going to find a way out and when they do, that's when the spiraling begins.
Would you forgive someone you felt wronged you but came asking for forgiveness. I like to think we can. So why can't we forgive ourselves? We all have our own baggage but carrying it around, like a ton of bricks, is going to grow far too heavy to bear. That's when we need to reach out for help. I guarantee you there's not a person on earth that hasn't needed help at sometime in their lives.
Right now, in doing your journaling, you are actually releasing your past, working your ass off to own it and finding positive tools to deal with your current circumstances. Yes, its harder than hell and does a number on your head, the racing thoughts throwing up road blocks at every turn. But its what you need to do to move forward and fully accept that you're only human.
You are beginning to cope with it by recalling your failings but not allowing them to hold you down from the life you now want so desperately. Its a tough road but once you make up your mind, get the proper help and gain a few steps in the right direction bit by bit, it will change your perspective.
Try not to beat yourself up because as you do, you make it just that much easier to slide back into the hell you've been in.
I think reading anything you can get your hands on regarding addiction, the more you learn and understand exactly what you've gotten yourself into and how you can begin to work your way out. That's just my opinion and what I find that helps me. So yes, it does hurt but it won't forever when you make up your mind that this game is not for you any longer.
Chin up girl. You're in good company.
God Bless, Jack |
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Anna, I need to tell you something as a Mom. My Son was a H addict, IF he would of got to the place you are at now I would be so happy for him. I think as you make baby steps forward people around you are going to forgive what you have done.. Now its up to you to forgive yourself too. Guilt is such a wasted destructive emotion. After My son died I went thru a long period of time that i felt as guilty for my sons death as he felt for his addiction. It ate me alive. I had to acept that i did the best that i could do at the time with what i knew. Sweetie, you did the best you could at the time and you are now in this place.. Try to forgive? Love Karen |
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