Heritics of Heroin

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I stand on the doorstep and look back,

My last glimpse the place i once called home,

It was so empty and cold,
Like the world I used to know,

There was no love for me there, no hugs no kisses,

My love deprived neighborhood, where all the kids are rough,

No toys no playing pretend, they carry switchblades and guns from a very early age,

It's too late to turn back, it's already gone,

The fights and drug dealing, that's what made you tough,

I thought I was the coolest, the toughest of all,

Turns out I was the fool, the one pushed out front,

Now no one remembers me, I'm the loser who was caught,

I took the blame thinking I was some sort of hero,

The only thanks I got was a kick in the face,

They move on to the next kid with no future,

The idiot who thinks he's got it all,

He'll probably end up like me,

Lost on the streets,

With a syringe as my company,

I was a good kid, I used to read,

But I got banned from the local library, because I was good enough,

Life ain't fair for lower east punks,

I'm here again, the same old life, the same old fights,

But no one's here this time, I'm alone,

I lost it all by gambling my luck,

I looke around me and everybody's gone,

I thought I saw the problem but I guess I saw wrong,

The world's moving forward, I keep moving back,

Either I've got brain damage or i've got aids and I'm just too messed up,

Because I'm so backwards I can't even lie the way I used to,

I want to change,

But I don't know where to start,

I remember emotions I felt before,

All I felt was anger and rage,

Now I look back, all I feel is pain,

My friend, Rory,

He had gray eyes and long hair,

He was like my brother, my real bro's in jail, working off time, you ask me, he should have gotten longer,

Rory, my buddy, he overdosed,

I won't forget you Rory old pal,

Helped me through detox and all sorts of shit,

It never worked of course, but at least it we tried,

I was so high, I never saw that he needed help,

I wish I could turn back time, and erase the guilt I feel,

But all I can say is sorry and I hope you can hear this,

You were my only relative,

My dad was a drunk,

My mom's a junkie, I don't like dissing her, I liked her, I thought she was cool,

But she wasn't the mom I needed to help me get straight,

I don't know if she knew I existed,

I really wish she did,

But I'll say this:

I love you Mom, but you need some help, raisin 2 kids off weed and crack,

I wish I knew you better, but that's life, I just hope you wise up,

The tough kids, the rough kids, the downtown punks,

Tell me I'm a victim of society again, and I'll throw up my lunch,

I don't need a lecture, I need to get some help,

Before I blow up or my brain explodes,

I'm not a retard Mom, honest, I'm not,

All I want is to find a home,

Somewhere I can express my feelings and not be discriminated,

So I left when I was 13, I felt like I was 33,

Now I'm 15 and I've learned that this isn't who I want be,

The darkness is closing in,

I know I'm slipping,

I don't want to be a homeless kid with a drug problem,

I'm not scared to die,

But I'd rather live,

I'm with my friend Dragon who called an ambulance nearly every night,

He's a nice guy.. I wish I could repay him,

But all those years, it was a waste,

If I sound light hearted, think twice, because I just don't have style.

Today I walked on the street where I used to live,

It was raining.

The house was empty,

No one was home,

I guess I came too late because everyone was gone,

I've been straight for two days,

And today I nearly lost it,

I'm stuck in a dream and I can't get out....

I'm sad and tired and I've had enough

My heart goes out to you. There really are people in this world who care about kids like you. You ended on the street because you are a victim. My son died of a overdose not because he was a victim but because he was a spoiled kid who didn't have it hard enough.

I know the earth seems like a awful place but with the help of God and yourself the sun can shine again. I am digging deep within my soul for one thing that i can say to help you. I feel lost because i couldn't help my son either.

You are just a baby who can with guidance and baby steps get back into the world again. It is one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Please don't end up being another dead statistic. You can make a difference. You already have to God.

Love Loving Mom Karen

----- Original Message -----

Sent: Friday, May 30, 2003 8:27 AM

Subject: A tired junkie