Things Not To Say During Sex

Eat it? It took me 10 beers to get up the courage to fuck it.
No, I wont be gentle.
Of course you have to swallow.
Well yes actually, I do this all the time.
I'd rather watch a porno.
I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.
You can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
Your ass is hairy.
Get off me, I'll do it myself!!!
Can you hold this sandwich for me?
The only reason I'm doing this is because I'm drunk.
My mom taught me this...
Damn girl! my tits are bigger than yours!
Should I ask why you're bleeding?
This is my pet rat, Larry...
If you can't do it, I'll find someone else who can!
I was once a woman...
Wanna see me take out my glass eye?
No I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!!
Is it O.K. if I tell my friends about this?
I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
You wanted me to use a condom?
Fire in the hole!!!
Hurry up, I'm late for a date.
I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
Don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
I think I just went to the bathroom on your bed.
Of course I don't love you.
I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
I knew you wore a padded bra!!
Cover me boys, I'm going in!!!
DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
Fire one!
Hold on, let me change the channel...
Your best-friend does it much better.
Hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
Can I borrow 5 bucks?
What the hell noise was that?!
Stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
Shut up, bitch!
You know, you're not really that attractive.
I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
What, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!!
Stop interrupting me!!
I have to go to the bathroom.
Did I leave the iron on?
Why can't you ever shave your legs?
By the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog...
Oh Susan, Susan... I mean Donna... shit.
You're hairy!!
Did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
Don't make that face at me!
You're boring.
I like your tits.
Suck my dick, bitch.
This is much better than my last girlfriend.
I thought that goes in the other hole...
Don't tell my wife.
You have the same bra my mom does.
Can you finish now? I have a meeting...
I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
I think you might get the job for this.
Damn! is that all you know what to do.
Now we must get married.
Hurry up, the games about to start.
I'm hungry.
I'm thirsty.
Are you trying to be funny?
Can I have a ride home after this?
Are those real?
By the way, I want to break up.
Is that smell coming from you?
Haven't you ever done this before?
You're so much like your sister...
Your mom's cute.
What's your name again?
A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
You're about as good as a 9 year old, and I should know!
Can we order a pizza?
I think my dad is listening at the door.
Smile for the camera, honey!
Do I have to call you tomorrow?
Do I have to be here in the morning?
Do I have to pay for this?
(Phone rings) Hello? Oh nothing and you?
But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Do you smell something burning?
Try breathing through your nose.
A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
But whipped cream makes me break out.
Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Zzzzzzzzzzzzz
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
You look better in the dark.
And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend!
So much for mouth-to-mouth.
Try not to leave any stains, okay?
Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
(holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
Do you get any premium movie channels?
Got any penicillin?
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
I want a baby!
So much for the fulfilment of sexual fantasies!
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
I think you have it on backwards.
When is this supposed to feel good?
Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
You're good enough to do this for a living!
Is that blood on the headboard?
Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
I wish we got the Playboy channel...
That leak better be from the waterbed!
I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow...
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
No, really... I do this part better myself!
It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
This would be more fun with a few more people...
You're almost as good as my ex!
Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
You look younger than you feel.
Perhaps you're just out of practice.
You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
Now I know why he dumped you...
Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
What tampon?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
What are you planning to make for breakfast?
Are those real or am I just behind the times?
Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
Is that a hanging sculpture?
You'll still vote for me, won't you?
Did I mention my transsexual operation?
I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
Did you come yet, dear?
I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Does this count as a date?
I think biting is romantic- don't you?
When would you like to meet my parents?
Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
(in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
Sorry but I don't do toes!
You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
Is this a sin too?
Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
Long kisses clog my sinuses...
Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
You mean you're NOT my blind date?

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