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Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak.
She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.
In pain she screamed "What the hell did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels." |
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An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen.
With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen. There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie.
His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!" |
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"Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't think so."
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A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where`s Mom and
dad?"
and she replied, "they`re up in bed."
The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came
back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where`s Mom and Dad?"
and she replied "they`re still up in bed."
Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the
little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where`s Mom and dad?"
and his grandmother replied "they`re still up in bed."
The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "whats so funny? Every time I tell
you they`re still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?"
The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the
Vaseline and I gave him super glue." |
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There was three guys offered chances of a lifetime. The owner of a hotel would locked them in a room for a whole year with whatever they wanted.
The first guy love to eat, so the owner locked him in a room with a year supply of food and left him there.
The second guy likes to have sex a lot and asked to be locked up with horny women in a room, so he can fuck for a year.
The third guy was a stoner he loved to smoke weed and went crazy for this idea. So the owner locked him up in a room full of weed and closed the door for a whole year.
After a year had passed the owner went to check up on his experiments. He opened the first door and noticed that the dude was fat and the guy replied, “I’m never going to eat again, I’m to damn fat�? So the owner left him and went to the next room and checked up on the second guy and seen that he was still having sex and the second guy said, “lock me up another year I haven’t fucked enough�? So the owner locks the door and heads towards the last room to check up on him and as he got closer to the door he heard someone crying.
He opened the door slowly and seen the stoner on the ground crying with all the weed surrounding him and the owner asked, “what’s wrong�?
The man said in a weeping voice, �?I don’t have a light�?
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A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said "Mum,
I have something to tell you, I'm gay." His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?" The guy said nervously "Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"
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Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys "You know, if had just one more beer, I reckon I could fly."
The second guy says "No Way!"
So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk out to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies gracefully back to the top of the cliff.
The second guy is totally amazed, so he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too."
All three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has one more beer. After he finishes, he says "Ok, I will be able to fly now."
All three of them go outside and the second guy jumps off of the cliff. He falls to the bottom, hitting the ground and dying instantly.
The third guy turns to the first guy and said "You know Superman, you can be a real jerk when you drink."
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A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said. "Why not gold?" asked the man.
"Because I want you to come second for once!" replied the girl.
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A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."
The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks,
"Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub." He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet." |
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Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replies.
The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"
"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."
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The man approached a very beautiful woman in a very large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere." |
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A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said."What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise!"
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"
He thought for a moment, and replied, "Twenty-six."
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One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog."
The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"
The first says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!"
The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me."
So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back.
The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, "We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor."
The first drunk says, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!" |
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t was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
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Three men were flying on a plane over the jungle when it crashed. They were the only people who survived. They decided that starting the next morning one of them would go out and make weapons and see if he could kill anything.
So the next morning the first man went out. He didn't come back till about noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the deer back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he killed it.
He said "I find tracks... I follow tracks... I kill deer."
So the next morning the second guy set out. He too came back at noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the buffalo he had killed back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he had killed it.
He said "I find tracks... I follow tracks... I kill buffalo."
The next morning the third guy went out. The other two were watching and watching for him. When it was almost sundown and he still hadn't returned they started getting worried. Then they saw a person stumbling towards them he looked awful, really bad cuts and a broken arm. They went and helped him to the fire they had made and asked him what had happened.
He said "I find tracks... I follow tracks... and... I got hit by a train."
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This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here...where you from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from West Virginia."
The bartender asks, "What do you do in West Virginia?"
The guy responds,"I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar,
"It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
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