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When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.
When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"
When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.
When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"
When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"
When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.
When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."
When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.
When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.
When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She." |
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A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
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First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel !"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
"How do most men define marriage ?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free."
"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent."
"Three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." - George Burns.
"Marriage is for women the commonest mode of livelihood, and the total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution." - Bertrand Russell (1872-1970), British philosopher, Marriage and Morals.
"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once."
"Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't, they be married too." - H. L. Mencken.
In California, there's a 6-month waiting period for filing for divorce, but only a 15-day waiting period for buying a handgun. It's nice to know the government is giving us advice on how to work out our problems." - Matt Sullivan.
"Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that."
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books." - Alan King.
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor.
"Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success." - Jim Backus.
"It is best for ordinary men to have only one wife !" - Emperor Akbar the Great of India (1542-1605) who had 300 wives and 5000 concubines.
"Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage." - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest." - Professor Irwin Corey.
"Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up." - Evelyn Hendrickson.
"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers." - Richard Pryor.
"Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them." - Sydney Smith.
"Adam & Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married... and she didn't have to hear about how well his Mother cooked."
"My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely." - Rodney Dangerfield.
"My wife was in labor with our first child for thirty-two hours and I was faithful to her the whole time." - Jonathan Katz.
"Q: What food sucks 80% of the sex drive from a woman ?
A: The wedding cake."
"They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death."
"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates.
"I still miss my Ex, But my aim is getting better" - Bumper sticker.
"Many men owe their success to their first wife... and their second wife to their success!" - Jim Backus.
"Terrorism? I don't give a fuck: I've been married 2 years." - Sam Kinison.
"I think that men who have a pierced ear are better prepared to be married: they are already acquainted with pain and have already bought jewels." - Rita Rudner.
"If your really want your spouse to listen to you, talk in your sleep..."
"Marriage is the only war when you sleep with the enemy."
"Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Remarriage is the triumph of hope over experience..."
"During the first year of the wedding, put a quarter in a jar each time you make love. Then during the second year, take a quarter out each time you make love. At the end of the second year go to a good restaurant with what's left..." |
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ATTRACTION... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
DATING... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
EASY... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".
INTERESTING... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
SOBER... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
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Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. |
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Recipe For Perfect Marriage
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
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On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
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A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush
restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old
drunken lady swigging her vodka as she sits alone at
a nearby table, when the wife asks --
"Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took
to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?"
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Love is holding hands in the street, Marriage is holding arguments in
the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favourite restaurant, Marriage is fish &
chips take-away.
Love is cuddling on a sofa, Marriage is deciding on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children, Marriage is talking about
getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early, Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive, Marriage is a tarmac drive.
Love is losing your appetite, Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear, Marriage is sweet nothing in the
bank.
Love is a flickering flame, Marriage is a flickering television.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws, Marriage is "Don't you think you've
had enough?".
Love is staying awake all night holding each other. Marriage is
staying awake all night having an argument.
Love is driving to 'lovers lane' Marriage is driving to the
supermarket.
Love is not being together enough. Marriage is being together too
long.
Love is skipping work to be close to her. Marriage is working
overtime to keep away from her. |
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