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Drawbacks to working in a cubicle
1) Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the darn box all day!
2) Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
3) Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.
4) That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
5) Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
6) My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
7) 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
8) Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
9) When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
10) Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.
11) If you talk to yourself it causes all the surrounding cubicle inhabitants to pop their heads over the wall and say "What? I didn't hear you."
12) If your boss calls you and askes you to come into his office for a minute the walk there is like a funeral march... people hand you tissues as you pass and refuse to make eye contact.
13) You always have the feeling that someone is watching you, but by the time you turn to look they're gone.
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10 Dog Peeves About Humans
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny ... not very funny at all!
2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? |
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Top Ten Things To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don't Like
10. Hey! There's a gift!
9. Well, well, well ...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
And the Number One Thing to say about a Christmas gift you don't like:
1. "I really don't deserve this." |
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Top Old Folks' Party Games
1. Sag - You're It!
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
4. Kick the Bucket
5. Doc, Doc, Goose
6. Simon Says Something Incoherent
7. Hide and Go Sleep
8. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
9. Musical Recliners |
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Top 10 Things Only Women Understand
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. FAT CLOTHES.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:
1. OTHER WOMEN!
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You Know You're Italian When...
- You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.
- Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a 76 Monte Carlo.
- You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro or Firebird.
- Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.
- You consider dunking a cannoli in an espresso a nutritious breakfast.
- Your 2 best friends are your cousin and your brother-in-law's brother-in-law.
- At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.
- All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.
- A high school diploma and 1 year of Nassau Community College has earned you the title of "professor" among your aunts.
- You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
- If someone in your family grows beyond 5'6", it is presumed his mother had an affair.
- There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.
- You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
- At some point in your life, you were a D.J
- 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say "Pronto" when answering the phone.
- You have ever been in a fight defending Sly Stallone's thespian greatness.
- Somewhere on your parents' property, there is a bathtub Madonna.
- You build your house with 3 materials.... brick, brick and wrought iron.
- You have at least one sister that went to Beauty School.
- Clothes from the Chess King will actually fit you.
- It is impossible for you to talk with your hands in your pockets.
- Have been to a funeral where talk of the deceased is, "He shoulda kept his big yap shut." |
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TEN TOP THINGS NOT TO SAY ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY
10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
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Things Women Cant Do
1 Know anything about a car except its colour
2 Understand a film plot
3 Go 24 hours without sending a text message
4 Lift
5 Throw
6 Run
7 Park
8 Read a map
9 Rob a bank
10 Sit still
11 Tell a joke
12 Play pool
13 Pay for dinner
14 Eat a kebab while walking
15 Argue without shouting
16 Get told off without crying
17 Understand fruit machines
18 Walk past a shoe shop
19 Make a decent sandwich
20 Not comment on strangers clothes
21 Let you sleep with a hang over
22 Drink a pint gracefully
23 Get a round in
24 Throw a punch
25 Do magic
26 Like your friends
27 Eat a really hot curry
28 Get to the point
29 Buy plain envelopes
30 Take less than 20 minutes in the toilet
31 Sit in a room for 5 minutes without saying " I'm Cold "
32 Go shopping without telephoning 20 friends
33 Avoid credit card debt
34 Dive into a pool
35 Assemble furniture
36 Set a video recorder
37 Not try to change you
38 Watch a war film
39 Understand why flirting results in violence
40 Spend a day by themselves
41 Go to the toilet by themselves
42 Buy a purse that fits in your pocket
43 Choose a video quickly
44 Get this far without having argued with at least 1 of the above |
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| | From:  Copnor1 | Sent: 9/5/2006 12:00 PM |
40 degrees:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Scotland sunbathe. 35 degrees:
Italian cars won't start.
People in Scotland drive with the windows down. 20 degrees:
Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt. 15 degrees:
Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Scotland go swimming in the sea. 0 degrees:
New York landlords turn the heat on.
People in Scotland have a last barby before it gets cold. -10 degrees:
People in Miami are extinct.
People in Scotland lick flagpoles. -20 degrees:
Californians all now live in Mexico.
People in Scotland throw on a light jacket. -80 degrees:
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic.
Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival excercise until it gets cold enough. -100 degrees:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps. -173 degrees:
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
People in Scotland are angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky kegs. -297 degrees:
Microbial life starts to grind to a halt.
Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands. -460 degrees:
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Scotland start saying " A bit hill billy ... eh? " -500 degrees:
Hell freezes over.
Scottish people support England in the World Cup |
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26 reasons a why beer is better than a woman:
1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine & dine a beer.
4. Your beer will sit patiently in the car and wait while you
play football.
5. When your beer goes flat you can toss it out.
6. Beer labels come off without a fight.
7. Hangovers go away.
8. When you go to a bar, you always know you can pick up a
beer.
9. Beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another one.
10. Beer is never late.
11. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 10.
12. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another
beer.
13. If you pour a beer right, you always get good head.
14. A beer always goes down easy.
15. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel
guilty.
16. You can share a beer with your friends.
17. Beer is always wet.
18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
19. You can have a beer in public.
20. A beer doesn't care when you come.
21. A frigid beer is a good beer.
22. Beer doesn't demand equality.
23. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
24. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
25. After a few beers, you don't need to see a doctor.
26. You'll be sober in the morning, but she'll still be ugly. |
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