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10. Lower corner of the screen has the words "Etch a Sketch" on it.
9. When you insert a disk, it disappears and a loud "burp" follows.
8. You have to pedal it.
7. The manual contains one sentence, "Good Luck!"
6. The only chip inside is a Dorrito.
5. Whenever you turn it on, all the neighborhood dogs begin howling.
4. The monitor is made up of a blackboard and chalk.
3. Instead of a keyboard, it came with an Ouija board.
2. There is a "AA Batteries Not Included" sticker on the front.
And the #1 sign that you were ripped off buying that new computer...
1. The computer mouse came in a cage and has fur. |
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Useful Computer Acronyms
PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI System Can't See It
DOS Defunct Operating System
BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM I Blame Microsoft
DEC Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
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Top Ten Reasons Computers are Male
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shinny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter. |
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Why Don't Dogs Like Computers?
20 Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19 Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18 Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17 Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16 Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15 Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14 Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing
www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13 Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12 Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11 Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-
wagging.
10 Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft
Opposable Thumb.
9 Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7 Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition
software.
6 SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5 SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the
question!
4 Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3 Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2 Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat
rooms.
and the Number 1 Reason Dog's Don't Use Computers....
1 TrO{gO DsA mM,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqs,. *
* 1 Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws.
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Types of computer women
SERVER woman:
She's always busy when you need her.
WINDOWS woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but none can live without her.
POWERPOINT woman:
Only Bill Gates has the will to use her more than half an hour.
EXCEL woman:
They say she can do a lot of things, but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.
WORD woman:
She always has a surprise reserved for you, but no one in the world is able to fully understand her.
DOS woman:
Everyone has had her at least once, but no one wants her anymore.
BACKUP woman:
You have always believed that she has everything you need, but when "X-hour" comes, you find out that she has missed something.
VIRUS woman:
Also known as "wife"; when you are not expecting her to, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, but if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.
SCANDISK woman:
You know that she is good and that she only wants to help you, but you never know what she is really doing that for.
SCREENSAVER woman:
She is not worth anything, but at least she's fun!
RAM woman:
She forgets everything you say when you disconnect her.
HARD-DISK woman:
She remembers everything.... FOREVER.
MULTIMEDIA woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.
MICROSOFT woman:
She wants to have domination over all the men she meets, and she tries to convince them that this is the best thing for them. She will do the best she can to make you fight against other women, and she promises you that you will have everything you want if you will give her your address book. Before you figure it out, she will be the only one in your life ... it will even come to the day when you will need her permission to open your refrigerator or start your car.
PASSWORD woman:
You think you're the only one who knows her, but in reality all the world does....
MP3 woman:
Everybody wants to take her...
USER woman:
She screws up everything she does, and she always asks for more than she needs.
CPU woman:
From outside, she looks like she has everything, but on the inside she is empty...
MONITOR woman:
She makes life look better and brighter.
CD-ROM woman:
She's always going faster and faster.
DATAWAREHOUSING woman:
She keeps you informed of everything, except what you really want to know.
E-MAIL woman:
Out of every ten things she says, eight are bullshit.
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