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Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.
When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for.
He answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?"
The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidently bumped into the table and broke them all."
The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for.
The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!"
"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog.
The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails done." |
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During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.
After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices.
"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.
"True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!" |
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This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.
"Boy," is the man's response.
"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy.
An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."
The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua." |
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A man travelling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside.
The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR". Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!".
Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world!
The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.
Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"
The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!" |
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A little boy was sitting on the sidewalk, playing with a piece of shit. A postman rode up and asked him what he was doing.
"I'm making a postman!" the kid declared.
Then a little old lady came up and asked him what he was doing.
The little boy replied, "I'm making a little old lady!"
The old lady was so disgusted that she went to the local cop shop and reported the little boy.
A short while later, a big policeman strolled down and approached the boy.
"How's it goin' there, little man?" he said. "I know what you're doing - you're making a policeman."
The little boy looked up at the cop and smiled.
"Nope," he said. "I ain't got enough shit for that."
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SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE! > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >>What is a Yankee? > > >> > > >>The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. > > >> > > >>What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? > > >>The position of the dirt bag > > >> > > >>Why is divorce so expensive? > > >>Because it's worth it. > > >> > > >> > > >>Why is air a lot like sex? > > >>Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any > > >> > > >>What do you call a smart blonde? > > >>A golden retriever. > > >> > > >>What do attorneys use for birth control? > > >>Their personalities. > > >> > > >>What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? > > >>45 lbs > > >> > > >>What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? > > >>45 minutes > > >> > > >>What's the fastest way to a man's heart? > > >>Through his chest with a sharp knife. > > >> > > >>Why do men want to marry virgins? > > >>They can't stand criticism. > > >> > > >>Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and > > >>good-looking? > > >>Because those ! men already have boyfriends. > > >> > > >>What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? > > >>After a year, the dog is still excited to see you > > >> > > >>What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? > > >>The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of > > >>driving. > > >> > > >>Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? > > >>Because they have cotton balls. > > >> > > >>What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? > > >>A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. > > >> > > >>What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? > > >>"Are you sure it's mine?" > > >> > > >>Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? > > >>Mace will do that to you. > > >> > > >>Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ? > > >>Everyone has the same DNA. > > >> > > >>Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? > > >>Breasts don't have eyes. > > >> > > >>Where does an Irish family go on vacation? > > >>A different bar. > > >> > > >>Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? > > >>They named him "Sum Ting Wong > > >> > > >>What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the >other? > > >>A speech impediment. > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > > > > > > |
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A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
“Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."
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A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home.
So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door.
On the way to the car, he falls down three times.
When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times.
They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"
The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"
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An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.
Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops in the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."
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"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again.
My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."
"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!"
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