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| (1 recommendation so far) | Message 1 of 988 in Discussion |
| From: Bud1800 (Original Message) | Sent: 1/12/2008 10:04 PM |
Blonde Christmas Story
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
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| | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 1/3/2009 6:25 PM |
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem.
The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.
On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.
Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone.
Sincerely, Santa Claus
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| | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 1/29/2009 7:18 PM |
Dear Santa (From Barbie)
Dear Santa:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin? (It looks like cellulite);
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct;
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct;
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done;
6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec or even a hooker....for goodness sake!
8. A new, more '2008 persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum;
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl;
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 42 years--I think I deserve it; Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Up yours truly, Barbie
Ken's Letter To Santa
Dear Santa, I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and my some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to changes our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I too would like a change in career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of work Actor Ken" ? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S & M Ken" "Green Lantern Ken" "Chippendale Ken" ... "Master Ken" These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.
And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having G.I.Joe - he's mine.
Real sincerely, Ken
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| | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 2/11/2009 1:25 PM |
Secrets Of Personal Growth As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
I am at one with my duality.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
I will strive to live each day as if it were my 69th birthday.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
False hope is better than no hope at all.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Dream Motel. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. . . . I'll find someone.
A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
All of the evil that I speak, hear, and see, are pleasurable to me.
The only friend I have...moved to parts unknown.
When counting my blessings, I count backwards from one.
They no longer allow me into the confessional.
The person I admire the most is Elmer Fudd.
I enjoy watching a magazine stand.
Experience shows that people who write, can't be trusted.
When I am here I wish I was there....and I am.
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