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Reply
| | (1 recommendation so far) | Message 1 of 988 in Discussion |
| From:  Bud1800 (Original Message) | Sent: 1/12/2008 10:04 PM |
Blonde Christmas Story
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching
for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few
close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and
said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether
it's decorated or not!"
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Reply
| | | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 1/29/2009 7:18 PM |
Dear Santa (From Barbie)
Dear Santa:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
playing
at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits
in
frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea
parties, and
I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm
gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna
be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
sweatshirt. I'm
sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing
suits
gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and
Velcro
crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white.
What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear
to my skin? (It looks like cellulite);
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring
anyway?
If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
anatomically correct;
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct;
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to
twist, just
get it done;
6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How
about
a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec or even
a
hooker....for goodness sake!
8. A new, more '2008 persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with
a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and
a bag of chips;
"Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a
fake
fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable
Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum;
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl;
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 42 years--I think I deserve it;
Ok,
Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I
don't
think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can
find
yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Up yours truly,
Barbie
Ken's Letter To Santa
Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes
in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career
changes. In
addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made
about
me, my ability to please, and my some of my fashion choices.
I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues
concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES
NOT
deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along
with
Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette,
evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to changes our hair
style. I
personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at
great
length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I too would like a change in career. Have you ever
considered "Decorator
Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of work Actor Ken" ? In addition,
there
are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S & M
Ken"
"Green Lantern Ken" "Chippendale Ken" ... "Master Ken" These would
more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.
And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I
need
bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees
would
also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this
issue
before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to
the
blonde bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and
others.
And Barbie can forget about having G.I.Joe - he's mine.
Real sincerely,
Ken
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Reply
| | | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 2/11/2009 1:25 PM |
Secrets Of Personal Growth
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels
of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that
are someone else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I
want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no
personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,
self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me
in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a
lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself.
The second, to do nice things for myself.
The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
I am at one with my duality.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with
imaginary fears.
I will strive to live each day as if it were my 69th birthday.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and
local laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no
sweeter words than "I told you so!"
False hope is better than no hope at all.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my
underwear in the Dream Motel. Instead, I will move my computer into
the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. . . . I'll
find someone.
A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it
worrying about the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy
is working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the
next step of blaming my parents.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like
I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to
learn from them.
Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if
he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
All of the evil that I speak, hear, and see, are pleasurable to me.
The only friend I have...moved to parts unknown.
When counting my blessings, I count backwards from one.
They no longer allow me into the confessional.
The person I admire the most is Elmer Fudd.
I enjoy watching a magazine stand.
Experience shows that people who write, can't be trusted.
When I am here I wish I was there....and I am.
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