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| (1 recommendation so far) | Message 1 of 988 in Discussion |
| From: Bud1800 (Original Message) | Sent: 1/12/2008 10:04 PM |
Blonde Christmas Story
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
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| | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 12/11/2008 8:52 PM |
Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies
1 cup of water 1 tsp baking soda 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp salt 1 cup or brown sugar 4 large eggs 1 cup nuts 2 cups of dried fruit 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher. Cherry Mistmas !
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| | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 12/11/2008 8:53 PM |
For Artist lovers
Here ya Gogh
The Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh
The dizzy aunt -------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes --------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store -- Stop n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia -------------- U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois ---------------------------- Chica Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh His Mexican cousin -------------------------------- A mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach---------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle --------------------------- Can' t Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt---------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ------------------------------ Fla min Gogh
The fruit loving cousin--------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking---------- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew------------------------ Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco-------------------------- Go Gogh
His niece who travels the country in an RV--- Winnie Bay Gogh
I know you're smiling ---- there ya Gogh !
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| | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 12/12/2008 10:58 PM |
Paris Hilton was recently abducted by aliens in a spacecraft.
Paris was returned to Earth after complaining, "You call that an anal probe?!"
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| | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 12/17/2008 1:48 AM |
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house everyone felt shitty, even the mouse
Mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass
When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter I sprung from my place to see what's the matter
Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell I knew in a moment the old fucker fell
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer And a big rubber dick for my brother the queer
He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart The son of a bitch blew the chimney apart
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight Piss on you all and have a good night
- Have a nice Christmas, asshole ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Santa's pick up lines
1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh? 2. Wanna see my 12-inch elf? 3. I`ve got something special in the sack for you! 4. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip? 5. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister! 6. Some of my best toys run on batteries. 7. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it) 8. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you? 9. Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list! 10. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?
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| | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 12/17/2008 1:52 AM |
A romantic full moon hangs in the sky over Pedro the chihuahua and his girlfriend, Rosita. Gradually, a mood begins rising in Pedro, and he sidles up to Rosita and whispers in her ear, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
"Oh, Pedro," sighs Rosita, "can't we just look at the beautiful moon for a little while?"
"Oh, baby," begs Pedro. "You know I love you... and it's the perfect time of the evening. C'mon, let's you and I do Weeweechu... jus' for a li'l bit."
"But I just wanna snuggle and watch the moon," Rosita pouts.
"Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
A small, soft smile touches the corners of Rosita's lips as she looks into Pedro's eyes. "Alright, Pedro," she says. "I love you too, and we can do Weeweechu together. But just one time, okay?"
Pedro eagerly nods as he grabs his guitar, and they both begin to sing....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!"
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| | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 12/18/2008 10:52 PM |
HOLIDAY EATING TIPS 1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls. 2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas! 3. if something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. 4. as for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. 5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? 6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog. 7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again. 8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day? 9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. 10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
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| | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 12/23/2008 10:16 PM |
A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.
He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."
The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."
The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.
Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night."
He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."
The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing - Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!
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| | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 12/23/2008 10:17 PM |
DAY 1
Dearest Mike: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I know we only met 4 months ago but I couldn't be happier with anyone else. Thank you again for the wonderful gift. With all my love and devotion, Cindy
DAY 2
Dearest Mike: Today the postman brought you're very sweet gift. Just imagine. Two turtle doves! I'm just delighted at how sweet you are. I love you so much. The doves are so adorable. Thank you. Can't wait until I see you. All my love, Cindy
DAY 3
Dearest Darling Mike: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, Three French hens. They are just great but I must insist, you've been too kind. Love, Cindy
DAY 4
Dear Mike: You are so romantic! 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? I love everything but I'm running out of room for all these birds. Love, Cindy
DAY 5
Dearest Mike: Oh my God! The postman delivered 5 gold rings today. One for every finger. I love the rings. Thank you darling. I hope I don't hurt your feelings but all these birds and their squawking is beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Cindy
DAY 6
Dear Mike: When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I keep them? I told you before the other birds were starting to get to me. I'm not getting any sleep because of all the racket and my neighbors are complaining. Please Mike, no more birds. Cordially, Cindy
DAY 7
Mike: What's with you and these fucking birds? 7 swans-a-swimming? Is this a joke? There's bird shit ALL over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I asked you no more birds please!! I can't sleep and I'm a nervous wreck. This isn't fun any more!! So stop with the fucking birds! Thank you. From, Cindy
DAY 8
Okay Buster: The birds were bad, but what in the hell am I going to do with 8 maids-a-milking? They even have their own cows. There is shit all over the lawn, I can't move in my own home. This is it. It's over between us. I'm sorry Mike. Please lay off me and leave me alone. Cindy
DAY 9
Hey! Shithead, Are you fucking stupid? 9 pipers playing their bells from hell! They haven't stopped chasing the maids since they got here. The cows are upset and are stepping on the screeching birds. My neighbors have started a petition to evict me. God Dammit Mike! Stop it! WE ARE OVER, REMEMBER? I'm getting pissed. You'll get yours! Cindy
DAY 10
You rotten prick, Now there's 10 fucking ladies dancing. I don't know why I call the sluts ladies, they've been fucking the pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they have diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to show cause why this house shouldn't be condemned. You must have DUMB FUCK across your forehead. I'm calling the fucking cops on you! ONE MAD AS HELL BITCH
DAY 11
Listen fuck-for-brains, What's with the 11 lords-a-leaping on the maids and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again. The pipers are now committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 of the birds are dead, they were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you are fucking happy you rotten, vicious piece of shit! Cindy
Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Cajole 555 NW 1st Avenue Miami, FL 33138
Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Ms. Cindy Clark. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should ATTEMPT to reach Miss Smith at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to SHOOT you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Cordially, Badger, Bender and Cajole A Division of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe
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| | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 12/24/2008 10:24 PM |
Last verse of "12 Days of Christmas"
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my master gave to me
12 brand new paddles,
11 pinwheels turning
10 crops to smack me,
9 whips for flogging,
8 vampire gloves,
7 candles burning,
6 fuzzy handcuffs,
5 feet of chain,
4 clothespins,
3 flaming wands,
2 blindfolds,
and a whipping on a shiny new cross. ************************************************************* To the tune if "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" You better not whine, you better not move,
Better not talk I'm telling you why,
The doms are bringing their floggers to town.
They're tying you tight, and checking it twice,
Gonna make sure you're naughty not nice,
The doms are bringing their floggers to town.
They see you when you're weeping,
They see when it's all fun,
They know if you're in sub-space,
They'll find you if you run.
O! You better watch out, you better submit,
You better not flinch or they'll double the hit,
The doms are bringing their floggers to town. *************************************************************
To the tune of "White Christmas"
I'm dreaming of a new master,
Just like the ones I used to know,
Where the hits are sound,
And spankings abound,
And the whips are used just so.
I'm dreaming of a new master,
With every painful step I take,
Where he knows my limits,
And I want to submit,
With every command that he makes.
I'm dreaming of a new master,
With every dungeon that I see,
May he give pleasure to me,
And may all these pleasures be free!
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| | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 12/24/2008 11:05 PM |
Just Some Things to Think About On the bags of miniature candy bars it says, 'Fun Size.' Does this mean that the regular size bars are no fun? Why aren't they called bakies instead of cookies? If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? Why do mothers always say that their child cannot play until their room is clean? What will the room look like after the child plays? How come we as children will fight tooth and nail not to have a nap only to find ourselves as adults wishing with all of our hearts that we could? Wouldn't it be nice to be able to forgive each other as quickly and effortlessly as children forgive each other? Didn't the guy who laughs last had to have it explained to him? Isn't it better by far that you forget and smile rather than remember and be sad? Why would there be a key to happiness? Isn't the door always open? Where do socks go when they get lost in the dryer? Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes, would they eventually just disappear? Do Clothing manufacturers really expect us to run a whole wash for each item marked 'wash separately'? Why do clothes dryers have buzzers that go off when the drying cycle is done, but you just have to guess for the washing machine?
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| | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 12/31/2008 2:50 AM |
We have the standard 6ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make Sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest Cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.
I then used an 8 ft. Long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp big wheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says one cannot crap, pee, and get a nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... But Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day...he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it.
I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I Realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted. 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right). 3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you might first think. 4- My left eye will not open. 5- My right eye will not close. 6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better Than new after that. 7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long. 8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this?)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
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| | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 12/31/2008 11:10 PM |
Q. I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit . Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride' AND..... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you
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| | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 1/3/2009 6:25 PM |
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem.
The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.
On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.
Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone.
Sincerely, Santa Claus
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| | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 1/29/2009 7:18 PM |
Dear Santa (From Barbie)
Dear Santa:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin? (It looks like cellulite);
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct;
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct;
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done;
6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec or even a hooker....for goodness sake!
8. A new, more '2008 persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum;
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl;
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 42 years--I think I deserve it; Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Up yours truly, Barbie
Ken's Letter To Santa
Dear Santa, I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and my some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to changes our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I too would like a change in career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of work Actor Ken" ? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S & M Ken" "Green Lantern Ken" "Chippendale Ken" ... "Master Ken" These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.
And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having G.I.Joe - he's mine.
Real sincerely, Ken
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| | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 2/11/2009 1:25 PM |
Secrets Of Personal Growth As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
I am at one with my duality.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
I will strive to live each day as if it were my 69th birthday.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
False hope is better than no hope at all.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Dream Motel. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. . . . I'll find someone.
A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
All of the evil that I speak, hear, and see, are pleasurable to me.
The only friend I have...moved to parts unknown.
When counting my blessings, I count backwards from one.
They no longer allow me into the confessional.
The person I admire the most is Elmer Fudd.
I enjoy watching a magazine stand.
Experience shows that people who write, can't be trusted.
When I am here I wish I was there....and I am.
-- ====================================================================== NEW GROUP ALERT NEW GROUP ALERT ----------------------------------- Chat Gazette - http://cg2.2ya.com Hilarious forum community that crazy people everywhere should join. Daily Jokes, Quiz and Games Peppered with friendly conversation. ======================================================================
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