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| | From: Bud1800 (Original Message) | Sent: 4/23/2008 1:24 AM |
What Made Me, Me
Long ago and far away, In a land that time forgot, Before the days of Dylan, Or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a race of innocents, And they were you and me,
Long ago and far away In the Land That Made Me, Me.
For Ike was in the White House In that land where we were born, Where navels were for oranges, And Peyton Place was porn.
We learned to help our mothers,
We washed our hair at dawn, We spread our crinolines to dry In circles on the lawn.
We longed for love and romance, And waited for our prince, And Eddie Fisher married Liz, (But no one's seen him since.)
We danced to 'Little Darlin', And sang to 'Stagger Lee' And cried for Buddy Holly In the Land That Made Me, Me.
Only girls wore earrings then, And 3 was one too many, And only boys wore flat-top cuts,
Except for Jean McKinney.
And only in our wildest dreams Did we expect to see A boy named George with Lipstick, In the Land That Made Me, Me.
We fell for Frankie Avalon, Kookie was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, They never made it twice.
We didn't have a Star Trek Five, Or Psycho Two & Three, Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty In the Land That Made Me, Me.
Miss Kitty had a heart of gold,
And Chester had a limp, And Reagan was a Democrat Whose co-star was a chimp.
We had a Mr. Wizard, But not a Mr. T, and Oprah couldn't talk yet In the Land That Made Me, Me.
We had our share of heroes,
We never thought they'd go, At least not Bobby Darin, Or Marilyn Monroe.
For youth was still eternal, And life was yet to be, And Elvis was forever In the Land That Made Me, Me.
We'd never seen the rock band
That was Grateful to be Dead, And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson, And Zeppelins were not Led.
And Beatles lived in gardens then, And Monkees lived in trees, Madonna was a virgin In the Land That Made Me, Me.
We'd never heard of microwaves, Or telephones in cars, And babies might be bottle-fed, But they weren't grown in jars.
And pumping iron got wrinkles out, And 'gay' meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never coed In the Land That Made Me, Me.
We hadn't seen enough of jets To talk about the lag, And microchips were what was left At the bottom of the bag.
And hardware was a box of nails,
And bytes came from a flea, And rocket ships were fiction In the Land That Made Me, Me.
Buicks came with portholes, And side shows came with freaks, And bathing suits came big enough To cover both your cheeks.
And Coke came just in bottles, And skirts came to the knee, And Castro came to power In the Land That Made Me, Me.
We had no Crest with Fluoride, We had no Hill Street Blues, We all wore superstructure bras
Designed by Howard Hughes.
We had no patterned pantyhose Or Lipton herbal tea Or prime-time ads for condoms In the Land That Made Me, Me.
There were no golden arches, No Perrier to chill, And fish were not called Wanda,
And cats were not called Bill.
And middle-aged was 35 And old was forty-three, And ancient were our parents In the Land That Made Me, Me.
But all things have a season, Or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline We swear by Retin-A.
And they send us invitations To join AARP, We've come a long way, baby, From the Land That Made Me, Me.
So now we face a Brave New World
In slightly larger jeans, And wonder why they're using Smaller print in magazines.
And we tell our children's children How life then used to be, Long ago and far away In the Land That Made Me, Me
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| | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 6/21/2008 1:15 AM |
THE ONLINE ADDICTION POEM
You just awake, your eyes are still shut Still cant quite focus, still draggin' your butt You know you need coffee, can taste that first sip You wait for the maker and put the mug to your lip
The feeling is warm, just what you need But you know you need more and its something to read The paper you say? No, don't think so. Not it... It's much more exciting, you cant wait to "click"...
You boot up your 'puter, you click that icon... Can't keep from grinning, you're really turned on! When the voice says "Welcome", your heart skips a beat!! You know your addicted ... all the friends that you'll meet.
And then you see it, you wait with a stare.... The mail box lights up!! "You've got mail" waiting there!! OH, what a feeling!! You look with delight! You hoped you'd have mail and you knew you were right!!
So you go thru the mail knowing this is the "Best".. Reading this reading that ... as you go thru the rest. Some you give the "delete" key, others get your first click You know you must hurry, you gotta be quick!
It is then that you hear it, you can't wait to see Your heart gets a flutter, who's name will it be? And then there it is, covering part of the screen The sweet little sound ... Oh, you know what that means!!!
"Quick mail check" you promised, you said in your mind. But you just got an IM and your pressing for time! You know that you want to and respond you will So you stop what your doing and go for the thrill!
You "LOL" and "BRB", give kisses and Hugs... You type and send words, refilling your mug You give your good friend your attention and time So that quick little mail check turns to hours online !
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Thanks...I enjoyed both of them |
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| | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 7/16/2008 6:37 PM |
For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them. And give them monthly tests. So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, And I always wore my bra. After 30 years of astute care, My gyno, Dr. Pruitt, Said I should get a Mammogram. "O.K," I said, "let's do it." "Stand up here real close" she said, (She got my boob in line), And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah yes! Right there, that's fine." She stepped upon a pedal, I could not believe my eyes, A plastic plate came slamming down, My hooter's in a vise! My skin was stretched and mangled, From underneath my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish Pancake thin. Excruciating pain I felt, Within it's vise-like grip. A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit! "Take a deep breath" she said to me, Who does she think she's kidding?!? My chest is mashed in her machine, And woozy I am getting. "There, that's good," I heard her say, (The room was slowly swaying.) "Now, let's have a go at the other one. Have mercy, I was praying. It squeezed me from both up and down. It squeezed me from both sides. I'll bet SHE'S never had this done, To HER tender little hide. Next time that they make me do this, I will request a blindfold. I have no wish to see again, My knockers getting steamrolled. If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. If there had been a cyst in there, It would have gone "ker-pow!" This machine was created by a man, Of this, I have no doubt. I'd like to stick his balls in there, And see how THEY come out.
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| | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 8/4/2008 12:46 AM |
WHEN I'M AN OLD LADY
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my kids, and make their life happy and filled with such fun. I want to pay back all the joy they've provided, returning each deed. Oh, they'll be so excited. When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
I'll write on the wall with red, white, and blue; and bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes. I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out. I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, they'll shout. When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
When they're on the phone and just out of reach, I'll get into things like sugar and bleach. Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head, and when that is done I'll hide under the bed. When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
When they cook dinner and call me to meals, I'll not eat my green beans or salads congealed. I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table, and when they get angry, run fast as I'm able. When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click. I'll cross both my eyes to see if they stick. I'll take off my socks and throw one away, and play in the mud until the end of the day. When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh, and thank God in prayer and then close my eyes; and my kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping, and say with a groan, "she's so sweet when she's sleeping." when I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
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| | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 10/4/2008 9:36 PM |
I asked the Lord to tell me Why my house is such a mess. He asked if I'd been 'computering', And I had to answer 'yes.'
He told me to get off my fanny And tidy up the house. And so I started cleaning up... The smudges on my mouse.
I wiped and shined the topside. That really did the trick... I was just admiring my work..
I didn't mean to 'click.'
But click, I did, and oops I found A real absorbing site. That I got SO way into. I was into it all night.
Nothing's changed except my mouse It's very, very shiny. I guess my house will stay a mess... While I sit here on my hiney.
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| | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 10/18/2008 11:01 PM |
Sex is a sin Kissing is a shame Boys have all the fun While girls get the blame
One night of pleasure 9 months of pain 3 days in the hospital With a baby to name
Boys say you cute Boys say you fine But when they have your babies They say it ain't mine
You might think I'm crazy But take my advice Don't be a mother Before you be a wife
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| | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 10/31/2008 11:13 PM |
There was a man named McFeeney Who spilled some gin on his weenie. Not being uncouth He added vermouth And slipped his girl a martini.
There was a young lady named Nelly, Whose tits would jiggle like jelly. They could tickle her twat, Or be tied in a knot, And could even swat flies on her belly!
Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater, knew a chick, but wouldn't eat her; met her brother, one fine day, he sucked his cock, and now he's gay!!!
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| | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 11/28/2008 12:25 AM |
Life as a Turkey
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop; Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, And he told me there was something that I had to know.
His look and his tone I will always remember, When he told me of the horrors of ... Black November; "Come about August, now listen to me, Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three."
"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin, And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin; And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed, In will burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head."
"Then she'll pluck out your feathers so you're bald 'n pink, And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink; And then comes the worst part," he said not bluffing, She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing!"
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat, I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat; I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked, I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked.
I began a new diet of nuts and granola, High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola; And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes, I stayed in my room doing exercise tapes.
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed; But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath, As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death.
And sure enough when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in the entire compound! So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap, I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.
She held me today, while sewing and humming, And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming ...
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| | From: Bud1800 | Sent: 12/7/2008 11:42 PM |
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves". "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labour conditions at the North Pole were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their rooftops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation. So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...even you. So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth.
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