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Lufthansa
Airlines
Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the
captain:"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have
lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the
ocean".
The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but
weresomewhat comforted by the captain's next
announcement.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an
emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that
all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the
swimmers are on the right side of the
plane.
After this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating
to comply with the captain's
request.
Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The
captain once again made an
announcement:
"Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the
swimmers on the right side of the plane open your emergency exits and
quickly swim away from the
plane.
For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... -Thank You
for Flying
Lufthansa ".
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--- ------
Delta
Airlines
At the airport for a trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding
announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address
system
saying,
"We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board
from Gate
41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate
41.
Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight
570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So again we gathered our
carry-on luggage and returned to the original
gate.
Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke "Thank
You for participating in Delta's physical fitness
program."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
-- ------
British
Airways
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to
welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 fromNew York to
London .
We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the
Atlantic."
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the
aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on
fire.
"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe
that the port wing has fallen
off."
"If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean , you will see a little
yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me
your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses"
________________________________________________________________________
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But... if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats
your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear
to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you
either married it or gave birth to it.
________________________________________________________________________
A man walks into a bar.
There's a beautiful woman sitting at the bar,
and they sit and have a drink together. She leans over and says,
"I need you to make me feel like a real woman."
So the guy takes off his jacket and says,
"I need this ironed."
________________________________________________________________________
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool.
"Joe," Bill said, "I'm glad to see that your wife finally let you out
of the house."
"Things have been different with my wife," Joe said. "In fact, just
the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss."
"How did you do that?" asked Bill.
"I simply said to her, 'Mabel, we are going to have it out right now,
and I am going to show you who the boss is in this relationship'."
"What happened?"
"Well, I don't want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees."
"How did you do that?"
"I was hiding under the bed at the time."
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
*My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way*.
************
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. *Then we met* .
************
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
************
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the
carburetor."
I asked her, "Where's the car?"
She replied, "*In the lake.*"
************
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
************
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - *I don't like to interrupt her*.
************
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got myself two girlfriends.
************
Man is incomplete until he is married. *Then he is finished.*
************
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
************
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "*Wife wanted*."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "*You can have mine*."
*************
It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.
*************
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
*************
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants,
but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says, Okay, give me a million dollars and
beat me till I'm half dead."
--
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