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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms.
Smith, the Sunday School teacher, smiling sweetly said, "Bobby, when I was a
child I was told if that I made ugly an face, it would freeze and I would
stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't
warned."
________________________________________________________________________
One Christmas, a parent decided that she was no longer going to remind her
children of their thank-you note duties. As a result, their grandmother did
not receive acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.
However, things were different the following year.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a
friend triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change
in their behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the
checks."
________________________________________________________________________
By all Means... MARRY!
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,
"What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go
to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft
music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the
second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
have mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
________________________________________________________________________
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in
a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to
myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in
for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their
way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that
it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski
weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north AB
out 9 months ago ?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I
have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm
afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything<
________________________________________________________________________
ONLY AUSSIES
Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
A Belgian beer, then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or A
Turkish kebab, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on
a Japanese TV.
Oh and...... Only in Australia ... can a pizza get to your house
faster than an ambulance.
Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the
way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy
people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Australia ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Australia ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the
pens to the counters.
Only in Australia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
the driveway and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.
31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while
the fairy lights were plugged in.
8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years
after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
and finally.........
In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the
toilet.
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