PUNS
When he was told about a hole in the wall to the women's rest room,
the cop said he would look into it.
I think my brother is crazy. All day long he makes lines of chick
peas, black-eyed peas, English peas, and crowder peas. Then he just
sits there and looks at them. When I asked him why, he said he was
just minding his peas in queues.
Why can't we let evil people have flutes? Because then the terrorists
woodwind. (Mike Bull)
What animal driven vehicle played an important part in Germany's war
effort during World War II?
The Ewe-Boat (Stan Kegel)
The man who gives in when he is wrong is wise. The man who gives in
when he is right is married.
Martin was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he
sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When asked the reason
for his haste, he shivered and explained: "I'm afraid that if I
should ever fall behind in my payments she might decide to repossess
me."
GROANERS & SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES
Miss Holly confided to me the other day that every once in a while
she gets a tremendous urge to suddenly strip off her clothing and run
around naked. When I asked her to call me next time she just giggled
and said she had found a cure. Naturally I asked what it was? She
replied, "I just mix a little cocktail of Vodka with some Windex and
drink it." Miss Holly claims it keeps her from streaking.
Wong Mee and his wife, Virginia, were married for 50 years, but
finally health problems got the best of them, Wong Mee in particular.
He suffered from Alzheimer's and a crippling leg condition. One day
he wandered from home, and his wife was worried sick. Finally the
police found him, only two blocks from home, lost, confused, and
unable to walk. They had to carry Mee back to old Virginny. (Cynthia
MacGregor)
Bobby's class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on
Bobby to recite a sentence with a direct object. Bobby stood and
thought, then said, "Teacher, everybody thinks you are beautiful."
"Why thank you, Bobby," the teacher said, blushing. "But what is the
direct object?" "A good report card next month," he replied. (Gail S.
Angel)
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do
first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get waid" she said. Joe thought
she meant "weighed," so they ambled over to the weight guesser. He
guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and they won a
prize. Next the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was
over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get
waid," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had
been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his
dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked
where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time
Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping
her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the
blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy!"
OTHER HUMOR
Catatonic: Feline elixir (Brandy Brandon)
Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his
home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he
thought would be a masterpiece for several months now. As usual, his
model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small
talk, she began to undress for the day's work. He told her not to
bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He
added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go
home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed. The model
said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He
agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in
the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea,
when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar
footsteps. "Oh my God !!!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife!
Quick !!! Take all your clothes off."
Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.
A regular walked into a bar and said, "Bartender, one round for
everyone, on me!" The bartender replied, "Wow! You're in a really
good mood tonight!" "Indeed!" the man said. "I just got hired by the
city to go around and remove all the money from the parking meters. I
start tomorrow!" The bartender congratulated the man and proceeded to
pour a round for everyone. The next night, the same man walked back
in. "Bartender, another round for everyone, on me!" he said. As the
bartender was pouring the drinks, he said, "If you're this happy
about your new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you
get your first paycheck!" The man went wide-eyed, grinned from ear to
ear, pulled out a handful of quarters from his pocket and said, "You
mean they pay me too?"
--
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