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PUNS
In ancient times, workers in a popular deli were told that they could
eat anything they wanted during lunch hour -- anything, that is,
except the very expensive smoked salmon. Thus, were created the
world's first anti-lox breaks!
A doctor who fell on his funny bone had a nurse tell him it was a
humerus incident.
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, "The man
goes on top and the woman underneath." For three years my husband and
I slept on bunk beds. (Joan Rivers)
Three demented perverts discovered they were each stalking the same
woman. They decided to pool their resources in an attempt to abduct
her. "After all," said one. "We're all in this to get her." (Gary
Hallock)
Did you hear about the museum patrons who discovered that they could
save money by purchasing souvenirs directly from a tour guide rather
than through the gift shop? That's right. They were cheaper by the
docent.
GROANERS & SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES
God created woman, and she had 3 breasts. He said to the woman," Is
there anything on you that you'd like to change?" She said, "Yes.
Could you get rid of this middle breast?" God snapped his fingers and
it was done. She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand,
"What am I going to do with this useless boob?" And God created man.
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the
merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill
which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of
the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not
worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says "It's the
best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my
mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend
all night on the computer!"
Having gone out for a large lunch with fellow workers, a secretary
from our office who runs regularly was especially motivated to get to
the gym after work. Our boss, who had also enjoyed the good food,
suggested that she run an extra lap for him. As she was leaving the
office, she called to the boss, "Get ready to start huffing and
puffing, 'cause I'll be on your lap in half an hour!" This time,
realizing what she'd just said, her face turned red before her workout.
Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day
arguing about who might've designed the human body. The first one
said, "It must've been a mechanical engineer. The human body has all
those levers and pivots and stuff - a mechanical engineer must have
designed all that." The second one said, "No, it had to have been an
electrical engineer. The complex way the nerves are wired up to the
brain must have been designed by an electrical engineer." Then the
third one said, "No, it was a civil engineer. Who else would have run
a waste water line through a recreational area?
OTHER HUMOR
Apiary: an outdoor urinal (Harry Farkas)
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a
cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to
purchase a stomach pump.
Impasse: Stand aside and let IMPASSE.
"I just returned from Japan," Tom said disorientedly.
--
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