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The Modern Toolbox Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used
to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict
pain on oneself.
Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a
professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying
to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage
estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches
when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took
you two weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers - Contains a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous
tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt
to increase testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when
you point it at yourself.
Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the
incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy
shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a
flashlight anyway.
Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution
90% over a standard plug-in tool.
Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.
Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to
harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and
using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the
house.
Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you
accidentally built completely around yourself.
Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job
you're doing or offer advice.
Haikus for the Workplace Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.
This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.
Wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault
ABORTED effort:
Save and close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
Overheard on Dear Abby Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in
across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the
other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go
everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment
or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and
violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not
even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been
on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my
boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough
to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and
when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said
it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who
was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
What it "Really" Means "I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't
fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."
"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out,
I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought
pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it
logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"It would take too long to explain, "REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how
it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in
the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate
excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, "REALLY MEANS, "I can't
hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love," REALLY
MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me," REALLY MEANS, "You want me to stay awake?"
--
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