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TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK
President Bush also said today that he is worried that Iraq will be
overrun by religious fundamentalists. Hey, let me tell you something.
If it's good enough for the Republican Party, it is good enough for
Iraq. (Jay Leno)
A Danish study claims combining exercise and moderate drinking
prolongs longevity, a study says just imagining exercising produces
increased fitness and countless studies tout the heart benefits of
drinking red wine. So there is my New Year's resolution: I am going
to sit around drinking red wine and think about working out. (Alex
Kaseberg)
Hillary Clinton took off the gloves against Barack Obama Wednesday.
Everyone's looking forward to this match-up. It promises to be such a
dogfight that Michael Vick has to vote Republican just to keep from
violating the terms of his plea bargain. (Argus Hamilton)
The Labor Department reports that unemployment rose to a two-year
high of 5%, oil prices hit $100 a barrel, sales of new homes are
plummeting, exports are off, business spending declined, auto sales
are at their lowest in a decade, the Dow is down 256 points and the
Nasdaq down 98. And that? s the good news. (Bob Mills)
There's been a shakeup of top executives at Starbucks for opening too
many stores. The new management admitted that putting coffee bars in
maternity wards and funeral homes was a bit much, but said it just
wanted to capture customers coming and going. (Scott Witt)
Southwest Airlines will charge $25 for a third checked bag. But on a
brighter note, passengers will be allowed to choose the city the bag
will be misdirected to. (Bob Mills)
The Culinary Workers Union in Nevada, the union representing hotel,
restaurant and laundry workers in Nevada's casino industry, decided
to support Obama instead of Hillary. Fortunately for Hillary, only 2
of those workers are legally in the country and can vote. (Pedro Bartes)
The president has taken on an ambitious Middle East eight-day, six-
country, 12-war visit. I assume he's going to the Middle East like
kind of one of those post Katrina surveying of the damage kind of,
did I do that? (Jon Stewart)
Attendance at the San Francisco Zoo has doubled since an escaped
Siberian triger fatally mauled a spectator who had been taunting her.
See! Give the people what they want and they'll turn out. (Bob Mills)
According to the tabloids: Tom Cruise is short of money. Hey --
people! -- come on! -- Tom is SHORT even when he has money! (Toms
Lake Humor Company)
You know what people call Mitt Romney after the Iowa and New
Hampshire elections? Premature ejaculator: He always finishes in
seconds. (Pedro Bartes)
LINKS TO THE WEB
Capital Steps: Huckabee
http://www.moosehill.com/steps/sounds/huckabee.mp3
Capital Steps: Bill Strauss Remembered:
http://www.capsteps.com/about/billstrauss.html
http://www.capsteps.com/sounds/reagan-9to10.mp3
http://www.capsteps.com/sounds/bush-arreste.mp3
http://www.capsteps.com/sounds/bush-isthmus.mp3
http://www.moosehill.com/steps/sounds/lirty-0712.mp3
THE PRIMARIES
The news from the primaries just keeps rolling in. Hillary Clinton,
of course, just scored a huge upset victory in New Hampshire over
Barack Obama. But Barack has made it very clear that he's not going
down with out a fight, and the Obama campaign got some huge news
today [on screen: John Kerry endorsing Obama]. I don't agree with
anything he said or anything he stood for, but he did not deserve
that (Stephen Colbert)
Democrat Dennis Kucinich, who won less than 2 percent of the vote in
the New Hampshire primary, said Thursday he wants a recount to ensure
that all ballots in his party's contest were counted. Apparently
Kucinich could not believe so many people voted for him. (Pedro Bartes)
THE CANDIDATES
Some sad news today for Barack Obama. Did you hear about this?
Apparently, he's been endorsed by former candidate, John Kerry. Just
when things are going so well. (Jay Leno)
Hillary Clinton is telling everybody out there that she was always
the candidate for change. If she could, she would have changed Bill
long time ago. (Pedro Bartes)
Chelsea Clinton, Hillary's daughter, has been accompanying her on the
campaign trail. A few years ago John McCain got in trouble for saying
Chelsea is so ugly there are rumors that her real father was Janet
Reno. Actually, Amy Carter was plainer looking. Maybe her mother was
Zbignieu Brezinski. (Scott Witt)
Saying that she has learned valuable lessons from her victory in the
New Hampshire primary, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) today announced
that she was scheduling an official crying jag for the eve of the
South Carolina primary on January 26. (Andy Borowitz)
How did he (Huckabee) lose over 100 pounds? To lose his appetite,
before each meal he had his wife say the name Hillary (Alex Kaseberg)
Mike Huckabee won a big victory in Iowa Thursday. People like his
manner. He's for teaching creationism, a national sales tax, and
scholarships for illegal aliens, but he says it in such a folksy way
that people think it's a recipe for fried chicken. (Argus Hamilton)
Rudy Giuliani's supporters were dismayed Thursday night at his
pitiful showing in Iowa. Only a terrorist attack can save Rudy's
candidacy now. Unfortunately for him the terrorists have promised
they will never cross the Writers Guild picket line. (Argus Hamilton)
Senators Joe Biden and Chris Dodd quit the Democratic race for
president Friday after the votes were counted in Iowa. They were by
far the most knowledgeable and most experienced and most serious of
all of the presidential candidates. So they had to go. (Argus Hamilton)
John Kerry says he's putting both his emotional and financial support
behind Barack Obama. Think of it. With every squirt of ketchup,
you're helping to stop Hillary Clinton. (Patrick Gorse)
John Kerry is endorsing Barack Obama for president... which might
mean something if Kerry knew anything about running for president.
(Jake Novak)
Rudy Giuliani's presidential campaign announced on Thursday the
formulation of a Catastrophe Advisory Committee. The Catastrophe
Advisory Committee will deal with natural disasters, terrorist
attacks and Giuliani's disastrous performances in Iowa and New
Hampshire. (Pedro Bartes)
Bill Richardson dropped out of the presidential race Wednesday after
a valiant effort. He needs to get back home. It's been so long since
he was in New Mexico the voters were starting to believe that they
had outsourced the job of governor to India. (Argus Hamilton)
During an emotional speech Monday, presidential candidate Hillary
Clinton cried and her voice broke repeatedly as she talked with
voters in a restaurant about her campaign for the presidency.
Political analysts started to speculate the reason of the emotional
breakdown: too much pressure, nerves; but Bill gave the real reason:
Menopause. (Pedro Bartes)
John McCain won the New Hampshire GOP primary. He preached a balanced
budget and fiscal responsibility. He cut short many stops because his
campaign is already running out of money. (Alan Ray)
New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson has dropped out of the
presidential race, because of his poor showing in Iowa and New
Hampshire. Fred Thompson was going to drop out, but nobody knows he's
in it. (Jay Leno)
Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich has filed a complaint with the
FCC because ABC would not let him participate in its presidential
debate. The FCC responded by asking "Who are you again?" (Jim Barach)
PRESIDENT BUSH
President Bush is leaving on an 8-day trip to the conflicting and
dangerous Middle East, just days after the Pakistani leader Bhuto was
assassinated. Bush explained the trip is a vacation package that was
given to him by the Republican presidential candidates as a Christmas
present. (Pedro Bartes)
THE COURTS
In his federal court appeal, Larry Craig is arguing that the hand
signals he used to invite a sexual encounter at the Minneapolis
Airport last year was? federally protected free speech.? Larry
probably won? t overcome the longstanding Supreme Court maxim:
Freedom of speech doesn? t allow someone to shout "Light My Fire!" in
a crowded mens room. (Bob Mills)
A Mississippi businessman must pay more than 750,000 dollars in
damages to the man whose wife he wooed away, after the US Supreme
Court on Monday declined to hear an appeal in the case. Mississippi
is the only state where you pay if you steal a wife; in the rest of
the country husbands pay you to do that. (Pedro Bartes)
THE STATES
New Jersey has approved a law that would give the state's electoral
votes in a Presidential election to the winner of the popular vote.
The state wants to take elections out of the hands of the courts and
put it back where it belongs, in the control of organized crime. (Jim
Barach)
On New Jersey lawmakers considering an apology for slavery: Not so
much for the kidnapping and forced slavery as for making them live in
New Jersey. (Jim Barach)
LOCAL NEWS
The Huntington Town Board plans to set a hearing on a law banning
Silly String because it damages the finish on fire trucks in parades.
The board says it may also ban drunken parade-goers for the same
reason. (Meredith Daniels)
CRIME & PUNISHMENT
A report shows the number of homicides is down in New York City. The
most publicized fatality since October has been the Knicks. (Alan Ray)
Police arrested two men who wheeled a dead colleague through the
streets of Manhattan strapped to an office desk chair in order to
cash his $355 Social Security check. The men have been charged with
fraud, larceny and decimating a corpse. The dead guy is charged with
not wearing a seat belt and impersonating a postal employee. (Bob Mills)
SECURITY
The Department of Homeland Security is spending $29 million to
develop an infrared laser that would detect and repulse heat seeking
missiles aimed at commercial airliners by terrorists. Unfortunately,
their system would not detect service seeking missiles launched by
passengers. (Bob Mills)
THE ECONOMY & TAXES
The stock market bounced back today, up 117 points. See what happens
when Bush leaves the country for a few days, things get better. (Jay
Leno)
As you may have heard... the price of oil closed at $100 a barrel.
You see, I don't think President Bush really understands this issue.
In fact, when they asked him what effect this would have on average
Americans, President Bush said it wouldn't have much effect at all.
He said, "Most Americans buy their oil in little cans." (Jay Leno)
FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE
French president Nicolas Sarkozy vacationed in Egypt this week with
supermodel turned singer Carla Bruni. He divorced his wife last
summer and began going out with supermodels. It just shows how much
the French admire our system of quarterbacks. (Argus Hamilton)
INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENT
Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf says Benazir Bhutto's
assassination was her own fault because she came to Pakistan and
stood up with her head outside her car. That's like blaming a plane
crash on a tray table that wasn't locked in its full upright
position. And let's not forgot also to blame the laws of physics for
making a speeding bullet so darned dangerous. (Alex Kaseberg)
SCIENCE
The National Academy of Sciences has released a new book entitled
"Science, Evolution & Creationism" which debunks bible-spawned myths
that result from belief in creationism -- like "Noah's Ark," "Jonah
and the Whale" and "Mike Huckabee." (Bob Mills)
HEALTH
The FDA has approved a take-once-a-day Cialis erectile dysfunction
pill. It brings new meaning to taking a one a day plus iron. (Alex
Kaseberg)
Men's Health magazine this month lists ten ways for men to help
improve their prostate health. Far too many men simply live with the
problem. In Los Angeles, ten per cent of men get up and go to the
bathroom at night while ninety percent get up and go home. (Argus
Hamilton)
A survey by the London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine found
that the US ranks below France, England and 18 other countries in
annual deaths that adequate health care would have prevented. Several
bright spots, though. The US does better than France in preventing
deaths by too much sex and edges out England in tooth decay
fatalities. (Bob Mills)
A study shows that healthy foods are becoming more expensive, while
junk food is getting cheaper. That shows we are not a nation of fat
people. We are just being economically responsible. (Jim Barach)
New York window washer Alcides Moreno came out of a coma in
remarkable health Friday. He fell forty-seven stories and still
survived. He shares the title of the world's luckiest man with Bill
Clinton, who told forty-seven stories and still survived. (Argus
Hamilton)
THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT
Los Angeles was pounded by three rainstorms Friday that left
thousands without power and publicity. That explains why Dr. Phil
rushed to Cedars-Sinai Hospital to see Britney Spears. They have an
emergency generator that can send out press releases. (Argus Hamilton)
It was so warm today in New York City, Roger Clemens had a human
growth hormone Slurpee. (David Letterman)
Lake Tahoe was buried by blizzards Friday while downstate, Los
Angeles was drenched by rainstorms accompanied by high winds and low
temperatures. Florida got snowfall and freezing weather. Americans
are just lucky that cars run on corn and not orange juice. (Argus
Hamilton)
SPORTS
Nike is going to release the 23'rd edition of the Michael Jordan Air
Jordan shoe. You can tell fans of the 44-year-old Jordan are getting
up there. This year's Air Jordan shoe is available in an orthopedic
version. (Alex Kaseberg)
Roger Clemens denied steroid use on CBS 60 Minutes Sunday, and on the
same show Pakistan's Pervez Musharraf denied having a hand in Benazir
Bhutto's assassination last week. The ratings were huge. Everyone
loves liar's poker night on CBS 60 Minutes. (Argus Hamilton)
Roger Clemens told CBS' 60 Minutes Sunday he took lidocaine, not
steroids, in the locker room. He said he and his pal Andy Pettitte
got regular injections in the rear end from the trainer. Now he must
go back on the show next week to deny that he's gay. (Argus Hamilton)
Disgraced Olympic sprinter/steroids cheater, Marion Jones, was
sentenced to six months in prison for lying to prosecutors about
taking steroids. In a related story, Roger Clemens has just wet
himself. (Alex Kaseberg)
The Golf Channel suspended Kelly Tilghman for two weeks after she
told a group of young golf pros trying to overtake Tiger Woods to?
lynch him in a back valley. Kelly began her sportscasting career at a
backwoods radio station in rural Mississippi -- WKKK. (Bob Mills)
Tony Romo spent last weekend in Mexico with Jessica Simpson, where
she promoted her new movie and revealed her plans to record a country
album. He's way out of his league. Tigers are fenced off at the Los
Angeles Zoo to guard them from actresses. (Argus Hamilton)
ENTERTAINMENT
Entertainment Tonight aired video of a celebrity meltdown Saturday.
Everyone's favorite blonde was strapped on a gurney and taken to a
mental ward, crying that her husband ruined her life. It could get
worse if she doesn't win New Hampshire tonight. (Argus Hamilton)
"In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale" opens in movie
theaters. Fans of the video game will notice a huge difference. With
the film, they will only sit on their asses for 2 hours.
THE MEDIA
The embarrassed news media has vowed not to repeat the circumstances
in which it incorrectly reported that Obama was poised to win the New
Hampshire primary by a landslide. Reporters have been told that from
now on, wishful thinking should play a smaller role in their
reporting. (Scott Witt)
Fox News excluded Ron Paul from its GOP presidential debate on
Sunday, sparking fury. The network hates any criticism of the
president. They even edited the news footage of Malibu in flames last
month to take out the scenes of the bushes under fire. (Argus Hamilton)
U.S. TV broadcasters will be ready to start transmitting signals for
portable electronics like cell phones next year. It'll be great, as
you are going to be able to see the report of your own car crash in
your cell phone. (Pedro Bartes)
CELEBRITIES
Tom Cruise angrily denied reports Monday his daughter Suri was
fathered by the frozen sperm of late Scientology founder Ron Hubbard.
It could kill him at the box office. What kind of a leading man has a
wife who cheats on him with a turkey baster? (Argus Hamilton)
Britney Spears was hospitalized in hysterics Friday after police took
her kids from her. She had taken one hundred mood-altering pills
washed down by a cocktail of vodka, NyQuil and Red Bull. The next
morning John Daly hired her as his swing coach. (Argus Hamilton)
According to TMZ, rapper Eminem now weighs more than 200 Lbs.
Apparently, he is not only happy with being called Eminem, he now
wants to look like the M&M candy characters. (Pedro Bartes)
Pamela Anderson is getting divorced from Rick Salomon. This is great
news for Larry King, marrying Pamela is on Larry's Bucket List.
(Alex Kaseberg)
TMZ reported that Pamela Anderson is pregnant and getting a divorce
from Rick Salomon; they got married in October. The baby would be due
in seven months, or as Pamela calls that: three more husbands. (Alex
Kaseberg)
Two hundred pounder Queen Latifah has joined Valerie Bertinelli and
Kerstie Alley as a spokesperson for Jenny Craig. No word yet on which
ones will play "Before," "During" and "After." (Bob Mills)
EDUCATION
A 42-year-old Houston teacher, Shannon Kay Hrozek, was arrested for
sexually assaulting her 16-year-old male student. She claims it was a
math quiz. She was trying to show him how many times 16 goes into 42.
She was caught reportedly giving him, well, let's call it an oral
quiz. What is going on? When I was in high school getting screwed by
a teacher meant being sent to detention. (Alex Kaseberg)
RELIGION
Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson read his predictions on TV and
said that 2008 will be a year of violence. He later admitted a
mistake and said he was reading Dick Cheney's 2008 resolutions.
(Pedro Bartes)
Pope Benedict XVI is lamenting the trivialization of sexuality by
young people in the church. The Pope says sex is a serious issue, and
he has the legal bills and court settlement papers to prove it. (Jim
Barach)
A survey commissioned by the Southern Baptist Convention found that
72% of non-church goers think that organized religion is "full of
hypocrites." Even more alarming, 84% of regular church goers think
there's a bible quote that says. "Blessed are the hypocrites for they
shall inherit Pat Robertson." (Bob Mills)
CULTURE
The American Dialect Society has chosen "subprime" as its word of the
year. Finishing close in second and third were "bankrupt" and
"foreclosure." (Jim Barach)
The American Dialect Society meeting in Chicago has voted "subprime"
its 2007 "Word of the Year." barely edging out "hasselbeck," a verb
meaning to speak out on topics with which one is singularly
unfamiliar. (Bob Mills)
HISTORY
Archeologists digging in the slopes of Kuelap in the Peruvian Andes
have uncovered the lost civilization of Chachapaya that thrived
between 800 and 1540. They theorize that the hearty peoples died out
after staging a Woodstock type love-in that resulted in a critical
shortage of virgins to sacrifice in volcanoes. (Bob Mills)
BUSINESS & LABOR
McDonalds is launching gourmet coffees. The menu features both hot
and cold items. Hot items include lattes and mochas. Cold items
include frapuccinos and French fries. (Alan Ray)
Let's get right to it. A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim, walk into a
bar. The Jew says to the Muslim... See, I have no idea what they say
because there's a writers' strike. (Jay Leno)
On the continued effects of the Writers Guild strike: As a result,
NBC has canceled the Golden Globes. Thank you, Writers Guild. (David
Letterman)
They had to cancel the Golden Globes award thing. And now because of
the writers guild strike, there's fear that it could ruin the Academy
Awards, could ruin the Academy Awards. And I thought, "Well, hell,
I've done that." (David Letterman)
As you know, we are in the middle of this writers' strike here in
Hollywood. It's already cost the town over half a billion dollars.
Five hundred million dollars! Or as Paul McCartney calls that? a
divorce. (Jay Leno)
General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner will address the Consumer Electronics
Show in Las Vegas today and reveal company plans for a driverless
car. It's not that far-fetched an idea. They've been testing the
prototype in the Oval Office for seven years. (Argus Hamilton)
General Motors Corp. (GM) plans to test driverless car technology by
2015 and have cars on the road around 2018, media reported Monday.
The project is doomed as no media will support a car that will save
celebrities from future scandals. (Pedro Bartes)
Comcast will launch a faster internet service. This begs the
question. If it can send entire movies to your computer in 20
seconds, how come it takes 6 weeks to get a technician to your house?
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