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Q. I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this
true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's
it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like
saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap Q: Should I cut down on meat
and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical
efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?
Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of
delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef
is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a
pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A:
No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit . Brandy is distilled
wine, that means
they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of
the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms
up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if
you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you
have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are
some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is:
No Pain... Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A:
YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me
from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not!
When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing
sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for
me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO
Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food
around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If
swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Q: Is
getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a
shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may
have had about food and diets. And remember: 'Life should NOT be
a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an
attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly
used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND..... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final
word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after
all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat
very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2.
The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese
drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of
beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you
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