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An old couple go to a doctor and ask him to watch them have sex and tell if he see's them doing anything wrong. So they have sex.
While they are getting dressed the doctor said, "Well I don't see anything wrong!"
A week later they come again and ask the doctor to watch to see if they are doing anything wrong.
They have sex and the doctor says, "Well again I don't see anything wrong."
This goes on for weeks. Then the doctor asks why they keep coming.
The guy said: "If we go to her house her husband will catch us. If we go to my house my wife will catch us. A hotel costs fifty bucks. Here it's thirty-five dollars and medicare pays half!" |
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fwd by Todd Dr.'s stories
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
5.. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!!!................
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr. Wouldn't submit his name
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"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream.I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five drop dead gorgeous women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away!"
"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"
The patient implored, "Please, Break my arms!"
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A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "yes, I can put you right."
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears."
"Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."
"You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"
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A man walks into the psychiatrist's office with a pancake on his head, fried eggs on each shoulder, and a strip of bacon over each ear.
The shrink, humoring him, asks, "What seems to be the problem?"
The guy answers, "Doc, I'm worried about my brother."
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A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes." The man grabs the doc's arm, "no way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas." So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill." The man asks "What is it?" The doc replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks. "No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."
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A guy walks into a Dentist office and says "Doc I have this problem, I think I'm a moth." The dentist replys "I'm a dentist, the Psychiatrist's office is across the hall why did you come to me?" The man replied "YOUR FUCKING LIGHT WAS ON."
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At the beginning of his shift the doctor placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," he instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient. |
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Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.
"She's out of control!" the first doctor says. "She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he almost died!"
"That's nothing," said the second doctor, "earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!"
All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.
"OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths' boil!" |
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A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."
He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.
The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.''
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.
"Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios..." |
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A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.
The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"
The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."
The man says, "And the Viagra?"
"Keeps him from falling out of bed." |
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Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." |
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2 friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming, "A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!"
The other friend said, "Don't worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!"
So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor.
"Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says.
"It's ok", the doctor says, "All you have to do is suck the poison out.".
The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friends asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?"
The other friend replies, "Doctor said you gonna die!"
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"We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it." - Dave Barry |
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Strange Sex
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A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told the physician that her husband had developed
a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it
was such a good idea.
The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
She said that it didn't.
The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason
that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like,
so long as you take care not to get pregnant.
The woman was mystified.
She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think
lawyers come from?" |
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Labor pain A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it.
The machine would take some of the woman's pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mothers burden.
The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain than he had ever felt.
The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%.
After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep. |
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