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Kathy was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. “Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?�?BR>
“Just stay in bed with me. He’s probably so drunk; he isn’t going to notice you here with me.�?The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Kathy, so he trusted her advice.
Sure enough, Kathy’s husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.
“Honey!�?he yelled. “What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!�?BR>
“Dear, you’re so drunk, you can’t count. If you don’t believe me, count them again.�?BR>
The husband got out of bed, and counted. “One, two, three, and four�?By gosh, you’re right, dear!�?BR> |
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Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place. "You can't make any noise," she warns him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us!"
Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol gets the better of the man's bladder. "I have to go," he says.
"Well you can't go upstairs, it's right next to my parents' bedroom," she replies. "Use the kitchen sink". So he dutifully retires to the kitchen.
A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks... "Do you have any toilet paper?" |
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A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called." |
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This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no�? Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied,�?Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked, 'That mule for sale?'
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| | From:  Copnor1 | Sent: 10/20/2006 7:28 PM |
Today is my baby girl's 18th birthday. I am so glad that this is my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those damn payments! I call my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she gets here, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to your mama's house and tell her this is the last check she will ever get from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the expression on your mama's face." So my baby girl takes the check over to her mama. I am anxious to hear what she has to say and what she look like. My baby girl walks through the door, and I say, "Now what your mama say 'bout that?" She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy ... and watch the expression on your face." |
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Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.
She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."
He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?"
"A hand job", Harry reply.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this huge dick...
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?" |
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A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"
His wife, finally fed up with her husband shouts back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!" |
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Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a bud at the end of the first nine, honey.
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi ! Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time." |
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One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
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A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!"
No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"
"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter.
"I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma... words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation - "I now pronounce you man and wife." |
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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to
Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed
away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have
her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her
here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought
about it and told him he would just have her shipped
home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to
ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to
be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was
buried here, and three days later he rose from the
dead. I just can't take that chance."
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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought, and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the tit and said,"You know if you firmed these up we could ge rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the dick. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother.
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A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet, he grunted and
pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips
and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited,
making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one
of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the
gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in
with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him you have a headache." |
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A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
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| | | From: BTWGF | Sent: 2/23/2007 1:18 AM |
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a new husband. At the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
"Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs."
The second floor sign reads:
"Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids."
The third floor sign reads:
"Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Drop-dead Gorgeous."
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
"Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous and Help With Housework."
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
"Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak."
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
"Floor 6 - You are visitor #31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the New Husband Store."
To avoid gender bias accusations, the store's owner also opens a New Wives' store just across the street....
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited. |
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