"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' "
--Richard Jeni

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." --A. Whitney Brown

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." --Ellen DeGeneres

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?" --Marilyn Pittman

"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?" --Lily Tomlin

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry Seinfeld

"Smoking kills. And if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Anti-smoker Brooke Shields

"The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep."-- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"

"The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."
-- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."-- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people that make them unsafe."
-- Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo

"It is bad luck to be superstitious."-- Andrew Mathis

"It's like an alcatraz around my neck."-- Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. we are the president."-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"China is a big country, inhabited by many chinese."-- Former French President Charles de Gaulle

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and i'm just the one to do it."-- A congressional candidate in Texas

"A billion here, a billion there--sooner or later it adds up to real money."-- Everett Dirksen

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."-- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin