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1. "I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep."
George Best.
2. "The best pitch I ever heard about cocaine was back in the early eighties when a street dealer followed me down the sidewalk going: I got some great blow man. I got the stuff that killed Belushi."
Denis Leary.
3. "All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer."
Homer Simpson.
4. "I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now."
Bill Hicks
5. "A woman drove me to drink, and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her."
WC Fields
6. "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day."
Dean Martin.
7. "What contemptible scroundrel stole the cork from my lunch?"
WC Fields
8. "I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping."
Mark Twain.
9. "What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others."
Diogenes.
10. "I always keep a stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy."
WC Fields |
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11. "The difference between a drunk and a alcoholic is that a drunk doesn't have to attend all those meetings."
Arthur Lewis.
12. "I don't like people who take drugs... Customs men for example."
Mick Miller.
13. "I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."
Rodney Dangerfield.
14. "Real ale fans are just like train-spotters, only drunk."
Christopher Howse.
15. "Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won't cure a cold."
Jerry Vale
16. "Prohibition is better than no liquor at all."
Will Rogers.
17. "The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a beer bottle, they're on TV."
Homer Simpson.
18. "Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."
Robin Williams.
19. "I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry."
Robert Benchley
20. "I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast."
WC Fields |
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"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I
drink I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their
hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might
be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this
wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy |
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. |
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. |
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. |
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| Monty Burns: | " | Instead of beer, from now on you'll all be drinking this. It's a brain and nerve tonic, rich in proteins and electromagnetic juices. It promotes robust health. Of course, it has been known to cause gigantism, but only in rare cases. Try some!" | | Ken Griffey Jr.: | " | Wow, it's like there's a party in my mouth, and everyone's invited." | |
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| Selma Bouvier: | | Oooh, this looks like fun. A bench! Kids, wadda ya say you go get your Aunt Selma a beer smoothie? | |
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