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Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something...
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Probably ... the toughest time ... in anyone's life ... is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
People come up to me and they're worried ... that I'll ... reproduce.
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas...
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
I went to the hardware shop. I said, "This riding lawnmower is stupid."
They said, "Next time, you get on top."
I went into the gas station, said, "Fill 'er up, Harry."
The guy said, "Regular?"
I said, "No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy."
I went into Gus'es artificial organ and taco stand, said, "Give me a bladder por favor."
The guy said "Is that to go?"
I said, "Well, what else would I want it for?"
I was walking down the street, something caught my eye ... and dragged it fifteen feet.
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers. Damn anthropologists.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky -- but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?"
I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
My girldfriend said, "Emo, I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."
Well, the next day I caught her in bed with this other guy. I was crushed. I said, "Get off me, you two!"
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
Once I went to the library. I said, "I'd like a book on the Heimlich anti-choking maneuver," and the guy said, "look at the card catalog. I'm busy." So I go to the card catalog. I look under Heimlich and choking and maneuver. It's not any of those places. And I see this first aid book with the section and I take it and that guy said, "It's a reference book. You can't take it out; you have to Xerox it." I said, "Do you have change for a dollar?" He said, "It's not a bank, it's a library." So I go tho this souvenir stand and I said, "Do you have change for a dollar?" They said, "It's not a bank, it's a souvenir stand." So I go to this bank, and they said, "Yes, this is a bank." And they give me the change and I come back to it. And by this time there's a line of students Xeroxing their books or whatever and I -- finally I Xerox the Heimlich. As I go back the guy says, "Put it back, now that you've used it." So I put it back. And as I leave, he says, "Thank you." I said, "Well, thank you! I'm never coming to this barn again." And I went back to my car. Now by this time, my sister's almost purple from the chicken bone...
You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back.
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, "Why limit yourselves?"
People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.
My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid ... and her nose was shot off by French soldiers. The list went on and on. She's very beautiful. She has a heart-shaped face -- not like a Valentine's heart, but like a real heart, with the veins and the arteries...
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| I saw Emo a few years ago, remind me never to sit in the front row again! |
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Emo Philips |
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I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
Emo Phillips |
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I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
Emo Philips |
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You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Emo Philips
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