Q: How do you get a one-armed Irishman out of a tree?
A: Wave at him.
2. Young Patrick is walking down Dublin's main street. Suddenly a man leaps out at him and punches him in the face.
"There you are, Mick, that'll teach you!", The man shouts.
But to his attacker's surprise, Patrick just laughs.
"So Mick, you're laughing; I'll hit you again!"
"Ha ha ha!", laughs Patrick, "the joke's on you. I'm not Mick!"
3. Two men from Dublin were walking to the annual Dublin Fair when it started raining.
"Patrick, put your umbrella up, it's raining".
"I can't, Mick, it's got holes in it".
"Holes in it? Then why did you bring it with you?"
"I didn't think it would rain."
4. An Irishman goes to his local post office with a parcel for his mother in Dublin.
"This parcel is too heavy" the post office clerk tells him, "you'll need to put some more stamps on it".
Says the Irishman in amazement, "And, if I put some more stamps on it, the parcel will get lighter?"
5. A young Irishman wanted to become a cop, and went for the rigorous entrance exam; the last question of which was "Who killed Christ?"
The would-be cop went home excitedly, and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I think they're putting me on a murder case already!"
6. An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.
"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years".
"Will you be able to recognise him?" asked the American.
"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away for a long time".
"I wonder if he'll recognise you?" said the American.
"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an' I haven't been away at all".
7. And what about the Irish explorer who paid £10 for a sheet of sandpaper?
He thought it was a map of the Sahara Desert.
8. An Irishman and a Jew were in a pub watching TV late one night when the eleven o'clock news came on. The first sensational story was of a berserk woman poised on a window ledge seven storeys up.
"I'll bet you a hundred dollars she won't jump," said the Irishman to the Jew.
"You got a deal," said the Jew, sticking his hand out a few moments later when the woman plunged to a gory death. The Irishman sadly forked over the money and ordered another drink, only to look up in astonishment as the other fellow tugged on his sleeve and tried to hand the hundred dollars back.
"It's all yours," the Irishman protested. "You won the bet fair and square."
"Nah," said the Jew, "I saw it all happen on the six o'clock news."
"I saw it happen on the six o'clock news, too," said the Irishman, "but I never thought she'd do it again at eleven."
9. Paddy and Mick, both farmers, met one day at a Kilkenny fair.
"Tell me," said Paddy, "what did you give your mule when he had colic?"
"Turpentine," said Mick.
A few months later they met again.
"What did you say you gave your mule when he had colic?" asked Paddy.
"Turpentine," said Mick.
"Well, I gave my mule turpentine, and he died," said Paddy.
"That's strange," said Dave, "so did mine."
10. An old Irish Army sergeant wasn't feeling very well late one night, so he went to the doctor and had a check-up.
"When did you last have a drink?" the doctor asked him.
"1945," said the sergeant.
"That's a long time without a drink," said the doctor.
"It certainly is," said the sergeant. "It's nearly 21.30 now."
11. On a small charter flight out of Dublin there were only four passengers. An English businessman, a French priest, an Irishman who is the "Brain of Ireland", and an Australian mountaineer.
Suddenly, the pilot enters the cabin looking white-faced. He apologises for the inconvenience, but announces that due to engine failure the plane is about to crash.
"Regrettably there are only four parachutes," he announces, "but I know you'll agree that I should take one so I can report the cause of the crash". So saying, he grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane.
The priest says he has a flock of five thousand souls to look after, and he is a very important person to them. He grabs the second parachute and out he jumps.
Then the Brain of Ireland steps forward and says he has to represent Ireland in the "Brain of the World" competition next month, so for his country's sake he feels he has to take a parachute. So saying, he jumps.
The Englishman turns to the Australian and says "Well, old chap, only one parachute left. What do we do now?".
"No worries, mate," says the Aussie, "there's still two parachutes; the bloody Brain of Ireland took my bloody rucksack."
12. And you'll remember also the Irishman who got a job as a doorman in a big building. He managed very well with the PUSH and PULL signs, but he was seen struggling with his fingers under a door marked LIFT.
13. Pat and Mick each had a horse, but they couldn't tell them apart. So Pat cut the tail off his horse, and all went well for a while.
But then Mick's horse lost its tail in an accident, so they were back where they started.
Finally, they consulted a wise man in the village where they lived and he said: "Can't you two fools see that the black horse is six inches taller than the white horse?"
14. Then there was Barry O'Loughlin who went to the doctor to get some medicine as he wasn't feeling very well.
"This is pretty strong stuff," said the doctor, "so take some the first day, then skip a day, take some again and then skip another day, and so on".
A few months later the doctor met Barry's wife, and asked her how he was.
"Oh, he's dead," she told him.
"Didn't the medicine I prescribed do him any good?" asked the doctor.
"Oh, the medicine was fine," she replied. "It was all that skipping that killed him".
15. An Irishman was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence.
"They shouldn't put up such misleading signs," said the Irishman. "It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE".
16. Did you hear about the Irish Rap Dancer who spent six hours in Myers looking for a cap with a peak at the back?
17. An Irishman got a job as a lumberjack, but try as he might, he couldn't meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance, he saw an advertisement in a shop window for chain-saws "guaranteed to fell sixty trees a day".
So he bought one, but the best he could manage was twenty trees a day. He took it back to the shop and complained that there must be something wrong with it.
"Let me look at it," said the man in the shop and, taking the chain-saw, he switched it on.
"Heavens above!" exclaimed the Irishman, covering his ears with his hands, "What's that noise?"
18. A dangerous criminal had escaped, so the police issued the usual photographs: left profile, front view, and right profile. A few days later they received the following telegram from an Irish detective:
"Have captured the fellow on the left, and the fellow in the middle, and at the rate I'm going it won't be long before I get the fellow on the right as well".
20 An Englishman, an American, and an Irishman planned an expedition across the Sahara Desert, and at the appointed time each shows up with the luggage critical to his survival.
Motioning to his umbrella, the Englishman says, "It's going to be hot out there, roaming across the desert, so I've brought something to keep the sun off me".
The American says "What's really needed here is good old American know-how, so I've brought along a portable air-conditioner to keep me cool throughout the day."
They look across at the Irishman, who is carrying nothing but a right front door to a 1968 Holden. "It's going to be a scorcher out there," he explains, "and so when it gets too hot, I want to be able to wind down the car window."
21 Did you hear about the football game between Italy and Ireland? The Italians all started arguing about who was going to kick off, and they all walked off the field. Half an hour later the Irish team won.
22 An Italian, a Jew, and an Irishman are marooned on a desert island for five years. One day, while walking along the beach, one of them comes across an old bottle. He rubs it and out comes a genie, who is empowered to grant each of them their dearest wish:
"Ah," says the Italian, "let me go back to the Old Country, where the wine is sweet and the women are beautiful." BANG! He vanishes.
"For me," says the Jew, "I want to go to the Holy Land and live out the rest of my days with my people." BANG! He vanishes.
"Gee," says the Irishman, "it's so hard to choose what to ask for. I wish my two friends were back here to help me decide."
23 Two Irishmen are out fishing for the day, and they have a great time; with the fish grabbing the hooks as fast as they can get them into the water. Finally, with the boat full of as many fish as it will hold, they decide it's time to head for shore.
"But listen," says Mick, "why don't we mark the spot?"
"No problem," says Paddy, who dives into the water and paints a big black X on the bottom of the boat.
Mick beams with pleasure, and they're almost back to the dock when his face wrinkles in consternation. "Oh, no!" he cries to Paddy, "what if we don't get the same boat?".
24 A stranger walks into a pub and announces to the barman, "Hey, mate! Have I got some terrific Irish jokes for you blokes".
The barman leans over to him and says "Listen; if I were you, I'd watch your tongue: All of the bouncers are Irish; I'm Irish, and I ain't no midget; and almost every man in here is Irish".
"Oh, that's okay," said the stranger cheerfully, "I'll talk v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y".
25 Did you hear about the Irish hunters who got themselves all set up for a weekend of duck-shooting? They gathered their guns and the dogs and the ammunition and their orange hunting hats and tramped about for hours; but with no luck whatsoever. And when they came out of the woods at dusk, they looked around at all the other hunters, who were all carrying large bundles of dead ducks.
"Gee," said one Irishman to his companion, "everyone else seems to be doing pretty well for themselves. Whaddaya think we could be doing wrong?"
"I dunno," said the other. "Maybe we're not throwing the dogs up high enough".
25 A real estate agent is showing a new four-storey house to an affluent young couple, who are somewhat bewildered by his behaviour. On every landing, the estate agent stops, opens the window, and shouts out: "Green side up!". Finally, the young couple ask him why.
"I've got some Irishmen laying down the new lawn," he explains, "and I've got to make sure they do it right".
26 An Englishman, a Irishman, and an Abo moved to Perth seek their fortunes; renting a flat there together. The Englishman and the Abo got jobs right away, but weeks went by without the Irishman finding employment. Finally, one evening he announces to his flatmates that he has landed a big interview for the next morning at nine o'clock. So, setting the alarm clock well ahead of time, he goes to bed.
In the middle of the night the other two sneak into his room, smear his face and hands with black boot polish, and turn off his alarm clock. At 9.05 the next morning the Englishman and the Abo wake the Irishman up: he leaps from his bed, pulls on his clothes, and dashes off so as not to be late for his critical interview.
The interviewer invites him in with an apologetic expression on his face. "I'm sorry to have brought you here for nothing," he says, "but I'm afraid we simply don't employ Abos."
"Abos! What are you talking about?" spluttered the Irishman. "My name is Daniel O'Connor!"
"I'm so sorry, Mister O'Connor, but we simply don't make any exceptions in our hiring policy."
"But I'm not an Abo!"
"I'm sorry you're taking it so hard. You may not think you're an Abo, but have you looked in a mirror lately?"
The Irishman gets up and goes over to a mirror near the door. Staring in disbelief at his undeniably black reflection, he stammers, "Oh my God, they woke the wrong bloke!"
27 An English parachutist and an Irish parachutist were arguing about who was best at folding a parachute. Unable to resolve their dispute on the ground, they decided to go up in a plane and judge by the mid-air performance of their parachutes.
The Irishman jumped first, pulled his cord, and started floating down towards the earth.
Then the Englishman jumped, pulled his cord and nothing happened; he pulled his safety cord - nothing. In a matter of seconds he whizzed past the Irishman, plummeting like a stone.
"Oh," shouted the Irishman, yanking off his harness, "so ya wanna race, do ya?!"
28 Did you hear about the guy who made a million dollars in Ireland selling Cheezels?
He sold them as doughnut seeds.
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