An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the sky. One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him.

"Can't you do something?" she demanded angrily.

"I'm sorry ma'am," the Reverend said gently, "I'm in sales, not management."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.

"What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
..................

The Government wants more money? Why don't they try selling candy bars like the Boy Scouts do?

Many people will spend the summer occupied with fishing and politics. In fishing you use a worm, and in politics a worm uses you.

A person that learns from their mistakes is smart. A person that learns from other people's mistakes is smarter.

Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible.

I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.

I'm learning to speak Spanish by calling my bank and pressing the #2 button.

It takes less time to do something right than to explain why you did it wrong.

The things you tell your teenagers don't reach them 'til they're in their 40s.

He who lives without discipline dies without honor.

I have a speech impediment . . . my foot.

I need some duck tape . . . my duck has a quack in it

I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.

The more you say, the less people remember.

98% of the time I am right. Why worry about the other 3%.

With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime.

Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.

Practice courtesy. You never know when it might become popular again.

Any sports fan can tell you the most brutal thing about professional football is the price of the tickets.

It's discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.

The measure of success is not how much money you have in the bank, but rather how much money the bank will lend you.

The real goal is to be rich the moment after you die.

Anyone who starts a sentence "With all due respect..." is about to insult you.

Don't count your fish until they're on dry land.

Don't judge, you idiot.

Marriage is like a tourniquet; it stops your circulation.

Everything on land is within walking distance.

The road to success is marked with many tempting parking places.

We're not truly happy until we focus on others.

Sarcasm: an ingenious way of making intelligent people feel stupid.

Love isn't blind . . . it just has Attention Deficit Disorder.

Life is a bowl of cherries . . . overpriced and only available at certain times.

A lot of good-looking faces are wasted on ugly people.

Funny that most of our best-sellers are written at a 9th-grade reading level.

Small talk is one step down from no talk.

If it weren't for humor, we might never get at the truth.

To understand politics, we must read between the lies.