Chemlite Arrival
Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps very difficult.  We attach small lights called chemlites to make our jumpsuits visible to the rest of the team.
 
Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked at the door of a small cottage.  When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites.
 
"Excuse me," I said, "Can you tell us where we are?"
 
In a thick English accent, the woman paused before answering and then replied, "Earth."
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Sixteen Steps to Build a Campfire  
 
1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
 
2. Bandage left thumb.
 
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments
 
4. Bandage left foot.
 
5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand).
 
6. Light Match.
 
7. Light Match.
 
8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.
 
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.
 
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
 
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
 
12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."
 
13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
 
14. Re-label can to read "gasoline."
 
15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
 
16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps 1-15.
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Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
 
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked.
 
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
 
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
 
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
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A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
 
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
 
Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
 
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.

 "Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don't reach them till they're in their 30s."
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On the first day, God created the dog and said:
 
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
 
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
 
So God agreed.
 
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
 
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
 
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform.How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
 
And God agreed.
 
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
 
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
 
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
 
And God agreed again.
 
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
 
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
 
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
 
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
 
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
 
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
 
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
 
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
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Before rushing to work, I prepared a casserole for that evening's dinner and put it in the fridge. As I turned to leave, I told my son to stick it in the oven when he got home from school. "Make sure to put it in at 350," I said.
 
"Sorry, can't," he replied. "I don't get home until quarter after four."
 
[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]

Q: What was the secret of Delilah getting into Samson’s house?
A: She picked his locks.

Q: Why didn’t Pharaoh let the Israelites go into the wilderness after the first six plagues?
A: He was in de Nile.

Q: Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
A: He didn’t want to split hairs.
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After many years at sea, a pirate decided to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the job, he thought that he should collect on his worker's compensation insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye.

The agent assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related. "How did you get the wooden leg?" asked the agent.

In a booming voice the pirate replied, "Me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang 'round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me leg."

The agent replied, "That is certainly work related. How did you lose your hand?"

"Well matey, me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang 'round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me hand," said the pirate.

"That's also work related. Now how did you lose your eye?" asked the agent.

The pirate replied, "Well matey, I was laying on the deck one balmy day catching some rays when this seagull flew by and dropped his duty right in me eye!"

"What does that have to do with the loss of your eye?" said the agent.

"Well, y'see," he replied, "It were the first day with me hook!"
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There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived. He visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."