Sorry I haven't been around much. I'm kinda in a rough spot right now, feeling blah and really, having no desire to even make lists cause I never seem to get much done off of them so what's the point?! I know my attitude is my issue but it's hard to break out of the "what's the point?" when the laundry, dishes, sweeping, etc etc is never-ending.

 

We've also been dealing with colds. Nothing super major but enough to create some crankiness. I'm really hoping it's not from mold or something and just truly a bug. I'm a tad paranoid.

 

I'm feeling really upset about our cat missing as well. A week today. After the really cold and wet past few days we've had, I don't have much hope. I don't want to buy a new cat to replace him but I really like having a cat. augh. So much money....

 

I gotta head back upstairs and keep an eye on the kids and start supper... cooking stuff that I really don't want. augh Yeah, I need to just head to bed!

And, to actually not just focus on myself... how are you doing this week, Joni? Did you have an uplifting week-end? I hope you're able to find some satisfying social time. I say satisfying because I knwo for me, I can get social time but it doesn't 'fill me up' if that makes sense. I hope you're nto picky like me! lol

 

I really hope you're able to feel better soon and feel happy about where you're at. Should I take my own advice?

Aww your cat did not come back???  I'm so sorry!  Maybe she got lost and was taken in by someone else now that it's getting cold.  Couldn't you get a free cat?  Although I guess there's no such thing - Angel was free but after shots and a well-visit she did end up costing some. 

 

We are having mold issues here as well.  The inside of my dishwasher is BLACK.  I've been smelling mildew by the sink and I finally opened the dw and it was covered.  I'm actually glad - I thought it was somewhere hidden but at least this just means that (hopefully) replacing the dishwasher should get rid of it.  Only we hadn't planned on replacing it and can't exactly get rid of it w/o a new one since there'd be a big hole.  My MIL has offered to make it our Christmas gift which is good.  We won't get anything else of course.  Only it feels like getting something like tires for Christmas! 

 

I could probably manage to get more social time but I'm picky too.  I want it when I want it and I want it to not be boring and to be with the right people and leave feeling better about  myself not worse.  Like last Friday was perfect.  My one good social hour of the month!  I've cut my own self off.  I acknowledge that.  I don't put myself out there.  I don't want to get taken advantage of.  I don't want to get hurt.  And I don't want to be bored.  I think school will help.  I hope!  At least there the social aspect is secondary so if it truly sucks I'd still have the educational value.

 

My appointment for new meds will not come too soon that's for sure!  The 26th.

 

Chane is on meds now.  That's scary and upsetting.  But each time I think about it, I end with the fact that he needs more help than talking.  The child psychiatrist saw him for about 5 minutes (I talked to him for well over an hour) and when I came back in Chane's eyes were tired and red and he just looked like a wrung-out dishrag.  After 5 minutes.  I felt so sorry for him.  He just looked at me and I sat next to him and he snuggled into me.  He has so much going on inside that he can't talk about.  Just scary for a kid to be on meds.

 

Not much else to say.  I'm hanging on by a thread.  I'm sorry to hear you are too.  I wish I could be more upbeat for you.  This is me on no meds whatsoever -totally out of my system- and I probably cry three times a day.  I've had two big opportunities for quality alone time with a loved one - big long date on Saturday with Scott (Christmas shopping) and Braeden's mental health day and neither was satisfying.  I'm just not with it. 

 

But I'm functioning reasonably well and doing stuff.  Not a ton but I'm not in a pit where I'm sleeping all the time.  It helps that I can "get stuff done" by just sitting here because I can do Christmas research and shopping online and feel like I got something done, and if I'm feeling energetic I can shop at real stores like I did today.  No guilt about wandering around looking at random things since it's for a cause! 

 

I took a big bite out of my shopping.  I feel like I'm pretty much done since stocking stuffers for the kids is a breeze, I have my MIL's big gift pretty much picked out, and Scott and I have decided that instead of exchanging anything, even stockings this year, we are going to put aside about $150 for a date on our anniversary in February and go to a real show or something.  I found several things I would like to buy him - small stuff like salsas and whatever - but we get too carried away so it's better to just buy nothing.  We are going to try to find free things to do or get for each other instead.  Otherwise I'm buying almost nothing for anyone else.  I've cut my list way down and each time I'm tempted to overspend I think that I'd have to take away a gift from my kids and I don't want to do that just on a whim. 

 

Like I would like to get a personalized "Christmas in our new house" ornament for my BIL and his wife but the only one I found that I like is actually a painting of the house (you send in a picture) but it's almost $40 with shipping.  I bought a Hallmark keepsake gingerbread house with 2008 on it for $12 and that will have to do.  They are the ones who decided we would start exchanging ornaments to cut back on spending so I don't feel bad buying them just an ornament but it would be neat to see their faces getting an ornament with a painting of their house on it.  But then I think nah, not for $40 lol.  Plus we may play hooky from the annual Meemaw and Amy show otherwise known as Christmas at my MIL's (usually in January) so I won't see their faces anyway.  Can you believe I'm talking about one of the few social things I go to each year after complaining about my lack of social time?  But in reality, the visit is always awful.  We never leave there feeling good.  We used to when the kids were babies and before, but ever since they got to the age where they do more than just look adorable, and ever since my BIL got old and crotchety (he's actually 3-4 years younger than us I think but he acts like he's 60) and ever since that Christmas where my MIL kind of changed our relationship with the whole thing where she got angry about the trip I planned for Erik and Scott, it just doesn't seem worth it to go.  We only go for the kids and the last couple of years, we feel like they were not treated well so why go at all?  If something happened to my MIL the day after we played hooky, I wouldn't feel like "oh we should have gone" because honestly, that day each year just creates bad feelings, never any good ones!

 

I'm babbling and should be putting kids to bed.  Scott is on his Scout "date" with his two female assistants (they are at one of the woman's house with her family and the other is bringing her son and they are all having a cookout and I cannot explain what bothers me so much about that but it does bother me so badly!!!)  I'll check in tomorrow but my comptuer has been giving me problems so if I don't, that might be why.  The typing is slow and erratic and the mouse only works half the time...

Nope, Winnie hasn't showed up. I could honestly see him being hit by a car because there's been so many times where a car had to slam on the brakes because he just slowly walked out across the road (and we didn't live on a fast, busy street.) I've been feeling guilty about 'replacing' Winnie plus he was so good with the kids! I'm so afraid we'll get a cat who hates people, who hates to be touched and who hides all the time. Plus, yeah, the cost. Lots of people give away grown kitties but I have a hard time believing that they are all friendly, gentle cats. Lots of people give away kittens too but then there's all the shots and fixing. If we go through the humane society, we pay $165 but that includes a microchip, flea treatment, possibly the first shots but I'm not sure and a certificate for spaying/neutering that we'd get for free. That's how we got Winnie, as a kitty, from the Orillia SPCA but they didn't do the microchipping thing up there. I feel good about adopting from their too rather than some unknown home. They also give you 30 days, if the cat turns out to be sick, you can get another cat. We almost did that before we chose Winnie. We went on a Sat, saw a kitten that was so snuggly and stayed on Andrew's lap the whole time. When we went back on a Wed, they said they had to put that one down because of an illness! Good thing we didn't adopt it on Sat! Sooo, yeah, I think i've made up my mind to go through the humane society. It's just a matter of when?!

 

Ack, sorry for the blabbing. As you can tell, this is weighing heavily on me!

 

Yikes on the dishwasher!! How long has it sat empty? Yeah, a sucky gift but hey, it's useful and saves you buying one!

 

lol, I totally know what you mean about the social time. I don't think there's anything wrong skipping that family Christmas. If you come away feeling awful, what's the point? If it doesn't hurt their feelings and your kids are good with it, I say you can't go.

 

Good job on the Christmas shopping!! I'm slowly getting started. I always over-buy for the kids cause I shop here and there throughout the year and they are so easy to buy for. Really, we dont' have many to buy for and those we do buy for, it's gift certs. But, the few we buy for are so freakin' hard to find things for. augh I gotta get out of my gift box and see what I have for the kids. Plus, I have stuff that's been in there for a LONG time that I thought I could give or things I've recieved that can't use but it's too good to just give away to goodwill. Maybe I should call this the year of re-gifting and tacky gifts all in the name of saving money! lol Here, have this set of cooking utensils that smells musty from our basement, the box is dented in but it hasn't been used!

 

I gotta find that ornament for us... I like getting a family one, one for dh and then a kid one (if I can find them cheap enough, one for each of the kids and I put them in their stockings.) I waited too late last year and lots were sold out. I think I skipped getting the kids one but just got a fun one and one for dh instead.

 

Yeah, I think I can attribute weaning off my meds to this mood I'm in. I've managed to get it down to 2 days on, one day off. Hopefully I'll be good with every other day soon. Plus, with the move, we haven't been eating well. But, that's slowly changing as the kitchen is getting under control.

 

Aw, that would scare me about Chane as well. How does he feel about being put on medication? I hope that it works well for him and that you see a noticeable difference and that he notices it too!

 

Ahhh, that would totally bug me about the Scout date. Was having you guys come along an option too? I know there's been things where it seems like me and the kids are being totally left out yet the thing Andrew is going to, their significant others and kids are there. There's quite a few work functions where Andrew's under the impression that it's just for employees but a good chunk of the people bring their SO's (though they dont' have kids...) Not sure if that's why you're bothered but I know in that situation, that's what sticks out as a sore spot for me!

 

Well, I made some progress on the house but it doesn't feel like it. I've become so bad doing daycare things... I'm not keeping up with the paperwork, there's things she wanted me to do that I haven't done (though nothing is life-threatening or dangerous like nails sticking up on the stairs or something like that.) The basement is a HUGE disaster zone and there's things out like extra hand soap, non-toy boxes that really need to find a new place. Heck, I can't even close the laundry room door and that's supposed to be closed when I have the daycare kids here. I'm so nervous that my caseworker will stop by but I have no clue where to start, I don't have the energy to do it and it's not an easy 1/2 hr job. I feel like I should be working on the main floor rather than the basement that doesn't get used that much, yet.

 

I'm thinking of possibly going to bed.... I haven't been sleeping well so I barely make it to 10 now. I wonder if I'm going to bed TOO early so I sleep well for the first few hours and then toss and turn until I get up at 6:45. Ahhh, maybe I'll try doing a sleepy-time tea and then go to sleep.

 

Hope you have a good day tomorrow and sorry for the novel!

Hi Sara

 

I hope you didn't think I meant you should run out and get a cat and forget about Winnie.  I just saw that you said you want another cat but the money is an issue. 

 

I am feeling good today I think.  I haven't gone back to bed at all this week despite not getting more than 6-7 hours each night.  I still haven't gotten much done but at least I've stayed up!  I hope to get some house stuff done.  It's raining a cold hard rain outside and we are not using our heat much so my house is chilled which makes it hard to start.  Every time this year I've gone ahead and tried to heat it up to get to work, though, the heat comes on and I instantly feel smothered and too hot.  I guess I'm used to breathing the cooler air but I wish my body could be a couple of degrees warmer!  I'm getting very used to wearing sweatshirts in the house, something I always said I wouldn't do as an adult and wouldn't do to my kids because our house was always too cold growing up. 

 

Next week I need to get on the ball.  If we are going to take a week and finish up projects around here, the house needs to be clean and laundry & stuff done first. 

 

Chane is worried about the medication.  He has anxiety and the doctor says "if you feel like you are having suicidal thoughts tell your mom."  So after I explain suicidal to him, then he's totally freaked out.  He has this thing in his head that he will suddenly, uncontrollably start beating himself up or stab himself like he's possessed.  I know they had to tell him that, but telling a child diagnosed with anxiety something like that is not the best!  He cried himself to sleep Friday out of worrying about the medication.  I tried to tell him that it won't be like that, that if he feels sad he won't suddenly attack himself and should just tell us so we can call the doctor and get another medicine but part of his problem is the way he twists things and gets worked up and he was obssessed with it for 2 days.  But since he started it on Sunday he's been fine.

 

Crud I think my contact fell out just now - suddenly I can't see!!!  It doesn't feel caught in my eye.  Weird! 

 

Anyway Scott got him a weekly pill case so he likes picking out his pill for the day.  He thinks he's taking it for a better memory.  No idea where he got that.  He lives in his own reality so whatever.

 

I can't explain about the Scout date.  I know for sure if I'd expressed any interest whatsoever in going I would have been asked.  Scott probably would have been thrilled.  But it was a meeting so what would I have done?  I always read his emails and saw where the one said "let's just meet at my house and I'll make some dinner" and the other said "okay I'll bring mac and cheese - is it okay if my son comes because my husband is away on business" and the first one said "sure, my son likes to play with him."  And Scott said the one's husband was there for awhile talking to them.  I can't put my finger on exactly what it is but it's more like it's something I want but can't seem to have or figure out how to get it.  I think I want it but I don't want to do what's required to get it.  I'm more jealous of the two women so casually making these plans I think.  And of my husband's opinion of them.  He searched them out to help him because he knows they will do a good job and he has a lot of respect for them.  He was like "I found out why Becky is so good at this, she has her master's in business."  They make me feel totally inferior but not on purpose.  I mean, I haven't ever really even met them, I just mean women like that.  They are laid back, willing to put a lot of energy into Scouts, with real education and I think real jobs but I don't think they obsess about their houses or stuff.  They're not beautiful or anything (Scott keeps saying I really need to go to more adult Scout functions to boost my self-image since he knows I'd be the hottest one there (his words - I look at the mirror with my saggy, fat face and body and have no idea what he's talking about although I've seen a lot of adult heavily-involved Scouters and can see what he means about Scouts attracting ugly women).  I know I'd be welcomed but I know that I can't fit into a group like that unless I was willing to let my guard down and totally throw myself into Scouting which I'm not willing to do - anytime I throw myself into something everything suffers plus I always feel like a flake around women who have it totally together.  So you can see it's all me and not anyone else making me feel like this!

 

As usual I wish I could help you iwth your house.  Is there anyone who could help you and in exchange you could watch their kids or something?  Just a thought.  You seem to have a lot of friends.

 

LOL on the Christmas gift idea btw.  I think I'm doing baked goods for everyone on my list.  I usually give gift cards to teachers and the mailman and stuff but not this year.  And my friend I was talking about before, my best girlfriend, and I are exchanging only cards again although I will still give her baked goods too.  I usually buy $2 gifts for all these kids on my list but I'll be doing homemade candy or cookies this year.  We spend $3 a kid on Scott's den usually, which is only $15 but this year our dens together have 21 kids (I thought it was 18 but I was wrong) plus two den chiefs which are Boy Scouts who come to our meetings and help us.  So I'm making neckerchief slides which entails only gluing something onto a piece of cut PVC pipe to slide up and hold their neckerchiefs in place.  Most Cub Scouts collect those and you can make them out of anything - my kids have some made out of plastic toys (like spongebob), animal horns, empty shotgun shells, army men, matchbox cars, etc.  I bought 5 packs of 4 each claydough ornaments of snowmen and santa faces at the dollar store yesterday and will make them out of those.  Plus a pack each for my kids to make special slides for them (luckily since I didn't know I have to make 23 slides, not 20 I can steal a few ornaments from the extra packs).  So for about $7-$8 (with candy canes) I'll have all 23 kids covered.  I think I said before that I bought Chane this expensive (almost $50 with shipping) automobile design shop last year for Christmas that he LOVES and plays with a lot.  My nephews were here a few weeks ago and loved it too so I'm going to have copies made (it's just drawings of car parts they trace onto vellum to make their own car creations) and buy new vellum for them so they'll get a really nice, expensive gift from us for very little money although my sister will probaby not realize the value they're getting and just think I cheaped out but oh well.  It's not what she thinks, it's what the kids think.  I'm trying to tell myself that!  Not that she'd say anything.  I do feel a little bad but it's not like they're getting a lesser version but I feel like I should still add other toys to make up what I normally spend which is at least $20 per kid.  It's an argument I'm having with myself - for about $10 total I can give them a gift worth over $40 each so doesn't that make it okay that I'm not spending my normal $40 total?? 

 

Having only one contact in is making me nauseous so I'm going to go up and get new contacts since I'm past due for changing them anyway and get my shower and see what I can get done in my dark, chilly dirty house!

Augh, I'm having MSN issues today so hopefully this will go through.

 

lol, no, I didn't think you were telling me to go get a cat! My first thought when I realized Winnie was missing was to go out and get another cat. But, I'm trying to really think it through this time. I so want another cat, I miss having one around. But, we need to make sure we've got the money, do we really want to do this? etc etc

 

It sounds like we've got similar weather today. Thankfully, I was able to fit everyone in the van so we didn't have to walk in it. yay! I hope that it stops though cause I like walking at least once to the school, in a day.

 

We have our house at 22C, I believe. That's waaay warmer than we had our other house but with no carpets and we still need blinds or curtains up, the house is pretty cold if it's much cooler. Our furnace switch is on the wall going downstairs (a very dumb place.) One of the kids must have turned it off Monday, I think it was. Well, it got down to 18 at night which was FREEZING. Yet, that's what we had our old house set at. The furnace isn't constantly on though. So, hopefully our bill wont' be crazy!

 

Aw, poor Chane! But, glad that he's been ok since starting the medication!

 

Sounds like you have some good ideas about Christmas! I think that's awesome about your nephews' gifts. Dh and I had this argument last year... if he says he'll spend $50 on someone, he'll spend that much, regardless if he buys something on sale that might be worth $50 but he got for $25. I think that you go with the value of the present. So hey, I wouldn't feel bad that you spent much less but it's worth way more!

 

I think I get what you're saying about the Scout's stuff. Kinda how I feel about volleyball with Andrew but I've never been able to explain how I feel like you did. It's like I really don't think I want to play volleyball but I want to be a part of it. Totally contradictory. But, that's me. I'm usually a walking opposite girl.

 

Augh, I feel like I'm going to get a migraine. I feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attact too cause there's so much to get done, with timelines but then there's house stuff, unpacking, etc to do that doesn't really have a timeline but NEEDS to be done. If my caseworker stopped by, she'd have a cow and I fell asleep last night, panicking about that. Then, three's Christmas stuff. AHHH Our first mortgage payment comes out tomorrow (our interest rate is only 3.4%... crazy! When we bought the house a month ago, it was a percent higher! Actually, maybe even more.) I'm panicking about money. Andrew's unsure about the stability of his job because he feels like they have been watching him a lot and plus he's being blamed whenever somethign goes wrong. Thankfully, I think he could easily get another job but it would likely involve an hour commute, one way and it would take some time to go through the process. He updated his resume a while back, on Workopolis and had many job offers but they were either less money but in the area or in the same or more money but in Toronto (so a long commute.)

 

I gotta drag my butt off of this chair and figure out what my plan of attack is. I think I will first deal with the kitchen/dining room area. Then head down to the basement and work on toys if Timmy is still awake.