And I need to be special to you.  

 

There's over a year that I spent of you rejecting me, putting me down, being angry at me ... while  you were hungering for someone else... that needs to be made up for... if you really want to.   I'm not sure you really do.   I want you to want to... I'm willing to be shown you want to.  It's up to you to decide if that's REALLY what you want.

 

I know you want my body.  But will you want "me" without the body as extra payment?   Can I be more to you than someone to satisfy your sexual needs?  I can't do that for you ... yet.  It does  not mean I don't want to... I do.  I need sex too.  But after everything I went through ... right now I need to be loved just for being me... I need to be 'special' just because of who I am, and not the service I can provide for you.  You equate love with sex... yet how many times did you gladly have sex with me when you were not feeling any love for me?   I so desperately needed and wanted you to say you loved me when we were having sex.. but for months, you never did. 

 

You have had other women you have been holding,  hugging and kissing and snuggling with...and maybe more...  and I have not had anyone but you.   I've always stayed faithful to our vows.   You have chased after and wanted other women so many many times in our marriage Robin that I know you were interested in someone else long before I said I wanted out  in September.     I saw the signs for quite a while. 

 

There was no other reason for you to be so angry and resentful and bitter t towards me... except you wanted to be with someone else and felt trapped.   I thought for a while you were upset with me about not having a clean house.... but I know now that that isn't true since you don't clean it and it doesn't bother you that it's a mess. 

 

I said we have a lot to talk about.. and we do.  Because you can't just change your mind and decide I'm now good enough for you.. without being held accountable for your actions.  It's not that easy.  Just saying you made a mistake, as in a wrong choice... doesn't cut it.

 

I can't even consider going through getting back together again without knowing exactly what drove you to other women in the first place... and I need to know what made you suddenly change your mind... why were they no longer good enough for you?   And why couldn't you say you didn't like them this afternoon....  was it because maybe you liked Marcy a bit more than you were willing to admit.   If you do... you need to be honest about that with  yourself.   

 

You've gone to other women over and over and over... and then hurt them by breaking up with them.... I still remember Wanda's tears that day in the parking lot at FW.... and go back to me.   How many times has this got to happen before you know exactly what you want...  or should I say who you want.

 

Yes... now you say you want me.   Why now?  What's changed?  I have to know the specifics.  It's not like all the other times before... because I'm not the same weak, insecure child I was then. 

 

That child loved you so much, needed you.. and was so happy to have your  love, and protection.. .she felt safe with you.

 

The woman I am now does not feel safe with you.... and will not take you back out of childish need like in the past. 

 

I've changed... and I'm more woman now than I've ever been.  Too much of one to let myself be used in any shape or form.   And your hunger and need for sexual gratification is too strong... and makes me feel the need to protect myself.  I'm not here to service your needs anymore Robin.  

 

I want a husband whom I can enjoy life with...and enjoy being safe and secure from having each other to share the burdens of dealing with the world and all it's threats.  People need partners.  And that's what I now know I want in my marriage......to be thought of as an equal.. in all ways.  Not less than... not someone to dictate things to and tell what to do by her husband... but equal.  And definitely not a mother figure...expected to do all the taking care of for both myself and my husband. 

 

I felt so alone and so abandoned for almost a year.... and it was because you were increasingly unhappy either with life or me... or both.. and at some point became interested in someone else.

 

So no... right now all the excess sex talk is making me put up a wall to protect myself from you.... till I know for sure just how sincere you are.. and how really sure you are that you don't want to pursue something more with Marcy or Chris.  

 

I want to let all my defenses down.. and fall madly in love all over again.   Am I worth that to you...worth doing  the work that needs to be done to heal things?   I've told God what I need... and it's up to him to lay it on your heart what actions to take, what behaviours and bad habits to change... to win me back. 

 

And maybe I should date... you are doing all this comparison between me and other women... and I've not done any of that.   Maybe that isn't fair to myself?  Should I go out there and test the waters like you are doing and see if there's someone else better for me like you have done?... I don't know.   I really don't want to. 

 

You made me so happy last night by wanting to be my Valentine.... shocked the heck out of me... I figured you had already been enjoying the company of Marcy or Chris enough to ask one of them out for that special night.  Chris professes to love you on the cd... that had to have meant something.. didn't it?  How much does Marcy hunger for  you?   You've been knowing her and seeing her for a long time too. 

 

But the most wonderful thing you said to me last night was when you said.... "I'm enjoying listening to you talk about it"...( the camera etc.)   You have no idea how much I have longed to hear something like that from you.   That was a moment of you caring to hear "me".. and enjoying "me"..not my body.. and it was so wonderful.   You've not listened to me for well over a year... and you definitely were not ever much interested in hearing anything I had to say... and I felt so rejected most of the time because of it.

 

I'm wounded Robin.. and healing from those wounds... deep wounds and hurts.  You can't just suddenly want me back and expect to just jump up and down with childish glee as if what you've done to me did not matter, and did not require fixing and repairing.

 

If you really really love "me"... I'm really really interested in having you show it and prove it.  I leave it up to you to decide how to do that. 

 

I meant it about you being free to continue seeing Marcy and Chris.. .and me at the same time.  I meant it about us not having sex.   Love me as a lady you are dating... and treat me as a lady....  you have to earn my love and respect back Robin.   You broke my heart... you have to do the work to mend it back to wholeness.  

 

I'm a different person now... as in... you will need to get to know the new me I'm becoming... .. and you might decide you don't like my strength.   It's up to you if you want to do that or not.  And if not.. then give me a divorce so I can freely date too and have a clear conscience that I am not cheating on my husband. 

 

I want to enjoy our Valentines Date.  However...if you change your mind and want to take Marcy or Chris out... just let me know.  I won't hold you to something if you don't want to do it.  I want to be happily in love.... but I've got to get the hurt and broken heart healed first.  It's not going to be a quick fix this time.  Too much damage for that this time around. 

 

Laurie