...it's all an illusion. The concept that if you live a good life, treat people well, do what you're supposed to, then good things will happen...it's all a dream imagined by perpetually cheerful people that need a dose of reality.
I'm not perfect, never claimed to be...but I have done my best to live a good life and be good to others. I spend my gas money to take others to food banks when they're hungry...I give my only $10 that was to be spent on me for my birthday to someone else to keep others from getting bitched at...I work hard and help others at work...I squash my own thoughts and ideas so others can have the spotlight...I make sure I shut up when I'm being mean so I don't offend others.
What happens? Nothing nice...karma, whatever...what did I do to deserve a broken hot water heater? I told him eons ago that the hot water heater wasn't working right, now it's totally dead. And I know I owe the landlord money for paying our sewer bill, but he still HAS to provide us hot water...but first I have to get hold of him, which means cold shower for me in the morning cuz he's nowhere to be found now. That'll put me in a great mood for work, not to mention the cold will kill my joints and I can be in pain all day. Then all the ultra-needy people at work will need this and that and this and that, whether I feel up to helping them or not. Then I'll get to come home to more complaints about the flea issue (I forgot to buy anything to get rid of them...I'm sorry I'm not 100% on top of things and now we're stuck until next payday) and the lack of hot water and anything else that others can come up with to complain about...maybe I'll get a couple more texts from someone who now gets the life he wants because he lives somewhere else, the life I never could provide for him, he doesn't even know how upset it makes me to know the main reason he doesn't want to come home is because there he has his own room and space of his own, something else I couldn't give him...I couldn't give him any of the things he needed, love or respect or even some of the basics...I can't provide anything for all these people that need so damn much, I have nothing left to give...I'm not sure I ever had much to give anyway...but it's all empty now...I'm nice-d out, I can't do it anymore.
Not like I have a way out...I can't leave them with all the bills and such...but it's not going to last much longer...once the garnishment is done, once everything is caught up again (unless I ruin that again by freaking out with money again and making more bills)...
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