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~ Im just sitting here thinking about all the stuff thats transpiring in my life. Alot of downers and alot from my own doings and choices Ive made. Im sure this is just a phase, but some days it just seems like the world is crashing down on you. Not really, but alot of bs. The worst is when youve brought stuff on from your own wrong choices though. Ive also realized that its me in relationships, cause I pick the wrong ones to start with. Im drawn to the ********* ones. Theres so many names that can fit into that space. Worst than worse though is the realization that you may never be able to mesh with someone for long because the problem is most likely you in the first place. Now thats some sad shit. lol is there a rock I can stick my head under till it all passes. |
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~thank God for blessings MW.... shucks! Im just bitchin... |
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Nothing wrong with coming in here and complaining when the need hits ya! It makes the yukky times easier when you can talk with others about it. Hugs to ya.  |
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Happiness is being single. but it gets lonely at times. its not you...you just haven't met the right person...or maybe...being single is more for you. if you try to be in a relationship and can't. consider that reasoning. |
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| | | From: STAR | Sent: 10/15/2008 11:08 AM |
It's been my observation and experience that the harder something is wanted, the more it takes over one's thoughts, the more elusive it becomes... that the best things 'just happen'. I think CB has something of a handle on this... I like what she said. |
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ella...I'm there with ya in so many ways...but I have found I love being single...after so many relationships that didn't last...I would never say they were bad or failures...just not meant to last forever is all...but being here in Kansas in new surroundings and away from the people and place I grew up in? Sometimes I feel a deep lonliness I haven't felt before...sometimes I am scared...and what I hate the most is feeling "alone" in my battle to survive...WTF? what IF I can't find a job? that worries me...I am happy here and don't want to leave...and to survive with no job? Would mean moving back to Colorado and in with my sister most likely... |
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~ I made a couple bold moves this weekend. The first one was writing a letter to and exs parents. I got a call from him last night and he was beyond pissed. He owes me a large amount of money, not huge but big enough Id like him to pay it. Anyways his parents bail him out of everything, hes one of them kinds of kids. We were suppose to be married actually. Anyways he went back to drinking and turned into an instant jerk, so I called the whole thing off. Well I wrote this letter. I was very good, cause instead of hammer on him, I just said your son owes me some money and could you remit on his behalf. That was the just of the letter. Well it got to them and then back to him. The mail was fast I can say that. Anyways the drinking blow hard was yelling at me and threating me last night on the answering machine. Finally I picked up to take it, since I figured Id need to at least speak to him. The funny thing is, he knows he owes me some bucks and he says he'll pay it, but hasnt attempted to pay even 5 dollars back. He owes me about 1250, figure Ill take half the bill since I had a part in the relationship also. The whole thing hit me last night that it might not be these guys, it might be me. Being single so long and having my own buisness, well I think Ive got so independant that Im not sure where a man fits into the picture. I can see the bedroom part, but besides that the picture gets pretty blurry. The whole thing saddened me. So I posted it. Another thing I havent talked about here in awhile is my have Adhd. I think it makes me different than the average jane. The biggest part I think is I cant keep my big mouth shut. I have this great need to be heard and the way I look at things are alot different than the average person. Somedays I feel screwed. I feel tons better than last night, but life is a struggle. I also think its gonna contiune that way, because where ever I go, there I am. Okay I vented. |
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after a shower and some self talk...I know I am for the first time in my life feeling fear...I've always been so strong and so capable and have taken care of myself (thats what happens when your mom is an alcoholic)...but in all reality it was the Universe stepping in and helping me help myself... I must believe that it won't let me down now...and I can't give in to the WHAT IF...cuz the reality right in this moment is I have food, a home, money, a car and my health...I can and will find a job when it is time...and it will be right for me... I have been shown so many times how I am so taken care of and yet why do I always doubt? I've always had the money right when I needed it for anything and everything, I've always, always been taken care of...proved time and again and yet...the fear remains... |
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~ it happens like that Chem, I think because we are human. We tend to doubt, worry and not keep faith. Sometimes the negative in our lives is overwhelming. Your right though.. It always seems to work out. A good thing for me to hear even though I know it. Im like this teeter tooter, I go back in forth.. I believe it, then I dont. Reality is that it has always worked out and anything bad has been from my wrong choices, and generally they work out to... You'll find a great job Chem, one that fits you...... |
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~ let me add to this... more shit that can go wrong... just called motorcycle repair guy.. The one whos suppose to fix my bike.. He says its junk basically and wont work on it. So I throw what money I have down the drain on junk... I feel like crying and I have to go to work.. Oh what a great day its turning out to be... |
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You're on the right track Ella when you talk about keeping the faith!! You must keep it because there truly is a rainbow at the end of the rain. Let love find you and if doesn't then so it was meant to be, however, I'm a firm believer there is someone out there for everyone be it in work, friendships and so forth. You have so much to offer someone that I hardly doubt you'll end up "alone", but you'll never truly be alone. I was one of those ppl who looked for love in all the wrong places as well and lo and behold he found me. So I can relate to making poor choices and landing up either heartbroken, or soured. |
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ella can you get a second opinion on the bike? could be this guy just doesn't want to mess with it? just a thought...don't give up yet girl! and thanks for reminding me I'm not alone out here with my fears... |
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~ yeah a second opinion is a good idea.. he must not want to mess with it. I just want the brakes redone and some blinkers.. Thats my objective and then Ill ride it awhile. Wasnt suppose to last me forever, just to have a bit of fun on. It a piece, but I dont need a harley for my first bike.. geez...... Off to work.. trying to keep a good attitude instead of feeling all blah... sometimes I feel like the big bad world is against me.. sort of actually.. but thank god it goes away... |
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yes, definately, a second opinion! Also, try putting it in Craigs list, that you'll trade hair for the bike repair! mw |
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~ now thats an idea.. I was also thinking about taking some brakes with me and asking to put them on and say it will take you an hour, Ill wait.... What kind of repair guy is he anyways... geez |
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exactly! give him another month, and he'll jump to do your work! lol but I sure wouldnt let him touch it! lol mw |
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