"Blimey Lord Screwtape! She's rumbled us !

"Don't panic Bill my good man. We will tranqulise her with an intravenous injection of Chicago's Greatest Hits, such as they are, and make haste to San Francisco where we shall take ship for dear old Blighty via the Panama Canal."

"But this is the Risque Board. It's about sex an' stuff. Not mysterious goings on with long-lost emerald necklaces and virginal heiresses"

"m' not a fkin vrgn. Charly whotsisname gave me one...oh.....lasht summer. Bloody good fuck...lie back n thinthk of England..my arse! Fucking loved it!"

"She's waking up Lord Screwtape! "

"In unison please if you will Bill.... If you leave me now, you take away the biggest part of me

"I can't do the high bit m'Lord."

"Neither can I Bill. Thank goodness she's passing out again."

"Could you tell me what is in the box sir?"

"Machine parts."

"Ah...could you be a little more specific sir. Machine parts covers a multitude of sins. Hell, it could even be drugs. Or worse..Mexicans trying to sneak into this glorious nation of ours."

"Eh...m'Lord...while you are negotiating with the customs chap...could I sneak off for a little while? There are some nice ladies down by the quayside waving at me."

"Oh.on you go Bill. Just don't come whining to me in two weeks time if your dick falls off!" 

"The box sir, what is in it?"

"Well...it's hardly Mexicans is it? I mean.. we hope to call in at Acapulco on the voyage south. Be a bit of a disappointment for any Mexicans contained within the box wouldn't it?

"Ok, I take your point sir. No Mexicans. Drugs?"

"Honestly officer ! Do I look like a man who dabbles in illicit drugs?"

 

"To be quite frank with you sir, yes you do. Now if this was 1968 and you had arrived here dressed as you are now in what I can only describe as Victorian limey garb featuring a top hat and watch chains and brocade waistcoat, my father who worked this same custom post would have called you a hippie commie faggot and beat the shit out of you."

"He would?"

"He would. And then he would have asked you nicely what was in the box."

"Ok, it's an heiress"

"A what?"

"An heiress. You know...a young lady who is in line to inherit a vast financial fortune. Like..eh...Paris Hilton."

"You have Paris Hilton inside this box sir?"

"Oh don't be obtuse man! I was merely using her as an example."

"Ok. Can you give me a good reason why you have an heiress inside the box.?  Call me curious if you like but I'm intrigued. I mean we get all sorts of strange things being smuggled through customs. I've seen it all. But never an heiress. Open the box."

"I..eh..think it's best if you open the box. I seem to have mislaid my crowbar. Unlike you. It's on the shelf over there."

"Don't try to be a wise guy, ok?"

 

 I wanna know what love is. I want you to show me

"That's Foreigner right? My sister saw them about twenty times. I'm more an Allman Brothers kinda guy. Anyway, why is the sound of middle of the road AOR rock mush issuing forth from this here box when I open it?"

"It keeps her sedated. She has a rare medical condition."

"Jeez! I'm sorry. Is it fatal?"

"Only if you play her anything by Styx or REO Speedwagon. She reacts badly to those. Her favourite is Chicago but Bill left the cds back at the cabin."

"Hmmm...she seems to be sleeping peacefully. Hell, I'd sleep peacefully too if all I could hear was that shit."

"Ammmrghhh...fuck....wan rmnes...wan rmnes..."

"Hey she seems to be waking up!"

"Take no notice officer. It is merely a temporary spasm."

"Hey buddy...shut up. Shes trying to say something!"

"wan r...mones...want Ramones!!"

"This is Big Mike Six to Juicy Lucy, over...Lucy...get an ambulance down her to dock five and.. and.. then get over here quick with your Ramones greatest hits cd and ......."

"Bill, did you have to hit him so hard? I hope he recovers. Now, put the lid back on and take an end of the box. I see that our ship is just about to sail. I'm sure we can carry the box the last hundred yards ourselves."

 

"What do you mean "it tastes horrible"?" As part of your duty as a cabin boy you are required to perform fellatio on your captain. If you had studied hard at school instead of being a lazy ne'er do well your poor old mother wouldn't have sold you into the service of us pirates......oh..I mean...really, if you must be sick stick your head out the porthole. The floor has just been newly re-varnished."

 

Unperturbed by the sound of Roger the cabin boy wretching from the porthole, the captain re-arranged the folds of his purple chiffon nightdress and returned his attention to his copy of Pirate Life only to be interupted by the bosun charging through the cabin door without knocking.

"Sylvia daaahling, what have I told you about knocking before entering?"

"Blow me cap'n, I got a short attention span. I ain't got a clue. Anyhow, them two gentlemen have arrived with the big box and San Fransisco's finest be on their trail. Permission to set sail sir!"