nah you can do better than that

Mistletoe

Mistletoe. Its a parasite, kind of like crabgrass growing on your apple trees. Early scientists believed it sprung out of bird doody that had landed on the branch - the word "Mistletoe" means, literally, "Poop on a stick". So why in the world do we use it as a mandatory signal for kissys?

Desperate characters carry the stuff around in their pockets all through the holidays, hoping to ambush a normally unwilling set of lips. Amorously inclined paramours lie in wait by a rigged doorway to ensnare the unsuspecting, much like a hunter with a Burmese Tiger trap. Who started this madness?

Hey - the very fact that it comes off of trees should give you your first clue. Yes, our Halloween friends, the Pagans, are smirking at us. Druids attributed amazing properties to mistletoe - a combination of penicillin, viagra, and   wolfsbane. In addition, their belief that mistletoe was a sacred plant caused a natural "home base" around infected trees. If you were about to get a whompin, hie yourself under a patch of mistletoe, and the whomper would have to lay down his whompin' stick and make peace with you for the rest of the day.

Once the Romans came into the north, one of the many things they pillaged was the mistletoe legend. The story spread throughout the northern Roman Empire (where mistletoe naturally grows), and mistletoe became a symbol of peace and goodwill. As time went by, the custom started to focus largely around the Christian festival of Christmas.  And here we are.

Holly::::::::

But early in the days of developing Christianity, when the religion needed to stay underground, it would not have been unusual for Christians to display the trappings of Roman holiday celebrations. It would help to allay suspicions, and frankly, everybody likes a good party. So holly found it's way into Christian homes at Christmas almost accidentally.

By the fourth century, Christianity was on the rise, and, frankly, did an absolutely Madison Avenue job of promoting itself. Instead of going head-to-head with old traditions where they were found, Christianity learned to incorporate them into the religion, and putting a Christian "spin" on them. So Saturnalia was first matched by, and eventually replaced by Christmas, and the holly plant of Saturnalia became part of the trappings of the holiday that was designed to replace it - Christmas.

CANDY CANES:

How did Candy Canes get started? Anyone who's even been near a child knows the impossibility of keeping one of them still and quiet for any reasonable length of time. Like, say, for five minutes.

And it's even worse in church. Especially if it's a Loooonnnng Mass. This was the concern of the Choirmaster of Cologne back in 1670. His solution was probably the same as any harried child-care provider would be: Give 'em a candy

Borrowed without permission from :

http://www.phillyburbs.com/holidays/christmas/trad/carols.shtml

 

By the way I chopped up the stories to fit them on here........ they have stories of christmas carols and stockings and and trees and and... so do take a visit to the URL if interested

A long time ago I began telling people the legendary
story of the Expoloding Whale of Oregon. Some of you
implied that this was a story I made up to pass the
time and elicit laughter. For your convenience I send
you this link which is dedicated to the Infamous
Expoloding Whale of Oregon.

http://www.explodingwhale.com/

If you wish to watch the video, click here:
http://www.explodingwhale.com/whale.avi

The Oregon State Highway Division had a whale of a
problem on their hands on November 12, 1970.  An 8
ton, 45 foot sperm whale washed up on the central
Oregon coast, south of Florence.  It had been dead for
quite some time and was starting to get a tad bit
foul; but how do you get rid of such a large mess?

Well, first you call the Oregon State Highway
Division, since at the time they had jurisdiction over
the beaches.  Then they call the Department of the
Navy to get a little advice and collaborate a plan.
They soon had it all figured out, or so they
thought...

Since they couldn't bury it (the ocean tides would
soon uncover it), and cutting it up and burning it was
out of the question (nobody wanted that job), they
settled on simply blowing it to smithereenes.

Enter a half-ton of dynamite. But would it be enough
to blast the whale into small enough pieces for the
seagulls, crabs, and other beach-dwellers to devour?

They would soon have their answer and an even bigger
mess to clean up.   They placed the dynamite around
the large mammal, backed the spectators up a safe
distance away from the blast site, and flipped the
switch.  The onlookers ooh-ed and ahh-ed at the
spectacle, and seemed to be enjoying themselves until
the inevitable laws of relativity came crashing
down......on them.    

Not only did the blast pulverize only a portion of the
whale,  but the wind blew particles of smelly, rotten,
whale flesh in the direction of the spectators, which
came down on them like a spring rain.  I guess nobody
put too much thought into where the remains of the
whale would end up. 

There were large chunks spewed all over the beach and
one large chunk(3-foot by 5-foot)landed on the roof of
a brand new buick parked a quarter-mile away, crushing
it.  Needless to say, the owner of the car(Walter
Umenhofer) wasn't to pleased with the outcome, since
he had warned them, prior to the blast, that blowing
up a whale on a beach wasn't a good idea.  He had been
in the war and had first hand experience with the
combination of dynamite and sand.  But the Oregon
State Highway Division didn't listen.  They told him
they had it under control and to please back up to a
safe distance.

Thankfully, nobody was injured, except maybe the pride
of the Oregon State Highway Division.  In the end, the
 larger remains of the whale were buried in the sand,
Walter Umenhofer was fully reimbursed for the damage
caused to his car, and the Oregon State Highway
Division learned a valuable, but messy lesson - What
goes up, Must come down.

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People spend less than 2% of their lives looking up into the sky.

Synical-synister-synic  came from the latin word meaning left-handed

Oh now thats something to think about.

HEY!  I can lick my elbow too!  The side of it anyway... Never thought of trying before this.   I can also touch my tongue to my chin.  As a matter of fact, I can still suck my toes like a baby.  My arms bend backwards too.  I can also touch my ankles to the floor on both sides.  People hate that one.  

 

 

Wow now Solace that is interesting...... 

 

<applaus for Kellog and Evonne>  the impossible twins ;-)

As a sidenote, most people think SOS, the universal distress call, means "Save Our Ships" or "Save Our Souls", but neither is correct. 

In reality, the three letters do not stand for anything. When Samuel Morse developed the Morse Code, he needed a simple distress call, one that those with little knowledge of the code could do. Only O and S consist of three identical signals. The O is three dashes and the S is three dots. Since a dot is shorter than a dash, he decided on SOS to minimize the time to transmit. 

---

 

The whole nine yards, Yarn was originally produced in nine yard lengths hence someone who requested the whole nine yards wanted it all and was a big spender.

 

Europe for a time had controls on the birth rate therefore married couples had to request the right to conceive the result was a sign posted on the door "Fornicating Under Consent of the King"  i will let yall figure out what that stands for.

 

sleep tight and dont let the bed bugs bite, beds were formally made of a wooden frame with criss crossing rope to support the mattress if the ropes were loose the bed sagged so to sleep tight means keep the ropes taut for a good sleep or sleep comfortably.

 

We give the finger but the neglish give two, the bow was a prevalant and important weapon the two finger insult was a suggestion that I will hack off your bow fingers.

 

Standing in fencing posture with one hand behind you and raised in the air developed when fencing duels were a crime in europe.  SInce they were illegal fops would duel secretly at night in order to see they required lanterns and would hold the lantern in their left hand above their head.  Prior to this the stance was more forward and the off hand used a knife or cloak or other insturment.

 

the berserker rages attributed to teh norse is said not to be a genetic or cultural trait but a byproduct of moldy rye bread.  The mold contains the active ingredient one finds in LSD.

 

the old european cod piece which gave the effect of making men look like they had huge units was not actually to advertise size.  The ointment used to treat syphillus stained clothes therefore the cod piece existed to hold a hankerchief that would soak up excess medication to protect the clothes. by having everyone were them noone knew who had an std and who didnt.

 

dont look a gift horse in teh mouth.  toi check the health of a horse before purchase one checks their teeth and gums therefore the saying means if you get a free horse dont insult the giver by checking its health its free after all.